29 December 2010

what i did with my summer vac-- oh wait, it's winter? never mind.

some days it becomes apparent that my life should read like a series of incredibly fabulous tabloid headlines and the like. but then, i also think that everyone should take some time to convert their own life into a media circus o' cultural sensation. i can't be the only one who is down with this sort of silly behavior.

i mean, really - doesn't this sound exciting? you need the media frenzy of your own pimped out press standards, i bet. or maybe that's just me. nahhhhh - if this were your life, you might pop out of bed every morning so that you could extra!extra!read all about it! with your morning coffee:

contortionist sits in seat next to huge people. amazing!

sunday, SUNday, SUNDAY!!! blizzard strikes house filled with people who have nowhere to go anyway. no one reacts except for person who actually had to be somewhere.

people sit and stare, hypnotized by wine and shiny things. where will this strange phenomenon strike next? where will YOU be when it happens?

girl goes into snow with no shoes - declared nutball by standards of people who are damn cold... i mean freezing, damnit.

how many calories can one household ingest? film at eleven.

studies show that new england drivers can't drive worth a shit. and furthermore, they like to open the car door and step out with traffic coming. wtf?

psychic states obvious... duh.

twitter abuse runs rampant! see the photos on twitter!!!

are YOU cultured? find out with this handy quiz...

bipolar man with beagles speaks warmly to out of town visitors, then goes batshit crazy on stupid lady who hits his car while parking. visitors support protest.

dogs and cats found to increase life of those who love them.

mailbox vandalizes mail. oh, the humanity!

slide on ice results in near busted-ass fall for local girl. we'll give you all the details, AND tell you how she managed to avoid certain doom, later on tonight.

giant macaroni and cheese set to take over eastern seaboard.

see there, you know you wanna take your week and turn it into a trashy magazine made for the inane entertainment of others. after all, inquiring minds want to know. wow, did i just show my age there or what? damn, i think i need some magazines now. one more stop at the airport should do me up fine for now.

accessory lesson of the day:
uh, don't listen to me. listen to coco chanel.

26 December 2010

it's all scenic and shit like that

so the visit with my new england peeps is totally awesome. not that we've done all that much besides eating so far - because there is a fucking blizzard outside - but it's all picturesque and cute as a button here. after my drive in from the aiport on, like, three hours of sleep it seemed like that may have been some sort of hallucination, but it was really true. we took a cruise around the 'hoods today after brunch and it's so quaint i wanna throw up in my own mouth. which is good, i swear. this place looks vuurrry vuurrry purritttty tah-naaaight. (if you are catching this reference, then i love you... veronica. and mary. and rhiannon. and whomever else knows about that certain obsession.)

this is my first blizzard type thingy. tonight was also the first time i've had a hand in making fresh pasta for dinner - pun intended. did anyone die yet? all people and animals in the house are accounted for... as far as i know.

my, but i am heavy on the punctuation this evening, aren't i? have you ever noticed how much of it you're using and tried to restructure your sentences to have less, just because it seemed odd? see there, you're not alone... megan. and linsey. and mary again. and whomever else is as weird as my peeps.

but i digress once again, per my usual status. they're trying to convince me that i truly can maneuver in the kitchen by making me stir stuff and roll out pasta and take plates to the table. ya gotta love women that can try to believe in the girl who makes a literally lethal piece of chicken. got anyone you want taken out? invite them to my house for chicken and they'll be mere memory by the next day. then somehow this household wants me to cook, but has yet to ask me to make the coffee! i mean, really, have you met me?!? how bizarre it is that i finally had to take the task upon myself and just beeline for the pot while no one was around. talk about trying to be gracious hosts, huh? "lamb shanks and fancy crap? sure, you can do that! coffee? i know how much you love it, so let me do that for you." gotta love the humor in that irony. things that make you say quoi are the best.

so, we have the food festivals, the blizzard, the coffee... what else? oh yes, the video conferences that the pets can't help but have at least once per day. mr. bubbas is starting to hog the camera from derek. each time i see him, stuart copeland looks rightly pissed at me for leaving him with what he might view as tweedledee and tweedledum. damn, they'd better be bonding in that house. i was hoping for something more along the lines of the three amigos. perhaps by the time i get back they'll all be glued together on the sofa in a cuddly ball of fuzz. but that's only if derek grows a lot more hair, i think.

"what the fuck?" moment:
i am all kinds of ashy here. last time i checked, i am at some lowly sea level and it's snowing holy buckets outside. can i get some of that moisture, please?

23 December 2010

random side notes - chapter twenty eight

would it be wrong of me to go to the store in the middle of the night simply for deodorant, magazines, and chick-o-sticks? it's a case that makes one question, "why did she really come here?" shopping under cover of darkness is the best. let's hope the drugstore isn't a last resort for people who procrastinate during the holidays, because i just need the aforementioned essentials.

as far as the rest of the week, life makes me indecisive as to where i should begin. mary's package for someone else finally arrived. i may have gotten someone a piece of furniture they truly need. moleskins were so cheap that we had to clear the bookstore out in a frenzy. there was some sort of news about a stabbing today. someone made cookies for derek, via my friendship with them. checking in for my flight was easy, but finding the rest of the paperwork i need isn't going well. i remembered to take my pill in a timely manner every single day. karen gave me a new bag filled with handmade and sanrio goodies. my thumbs feel funky.

next week i might start thinking about resolutions. once again, i'll be saving the really hard shit for lent so that there'll be a light in the tunnel. thank you, but i prefer to have my resolutions be something i can actually achieve without wigging out and having that (extra) cookie. there is only so much food i can ingest to make my inappropriate guilt go away without feeling all bloaty and stuff.

duuuuude, i am filling up this computer with bullshit already. what the...?!?! my startup disk must be on some kind of diet. there is no way i've accumulated this much useless data in this short of a time. does anyone else know what's on your computers?

it really sucks when you burp and it tastes like throwup. burps should give you a pleasant memory of meals gone by, not torture you with yucky and force you to make weird faces. that is so unfair, like even worse than when you burp after drinking soda and it goes up and burns the inside of your nostrils. ouch, those totally sting.

what to pack. what to pack. does anyone else make a checklist for vacations?

fattie mcpudge needs to lose a little weight up in here. not that much, but enough to get back that "eating pants" feeling in a few of her clothes. scales lie. photographs lie. even your friends might accidentally lie when their allergies don't let them see straight. pants don't lie. new pants are brutally honest and like to remind your wallet that you need to put down that (extra) cookie or else that night spent with jacked-up static hair while sweating under mean florescent lighting in the fitting room was all a big waste. it should only take a few months to gain that smidge o' pizza give back in the belt again.

sometimes i wonder what derek does in the house while i'm gone. my gut tells me he either slinks around like a sloth or does things i don't wanna know about later. in either case, he deserves to have some babble-free time to relax and study and bond with the cats. my company is entertaining, surely, but not without its hardships.

for all those times i've bragged about never having to do the laundry in my house, let me tell you this - i just officially helped fold all bazillion tons of clothes. i am a helper, damnit.

please tell me you relate:
my elbows are ashy
popcorn makes me kinda gassy
i heart people's scars
toenails suck

18 December 2010

there may be such a thing as a bad moon rising

so i know that the technical night for the full moon isn't tonight, but it sure does feel like it if one were to judge by the squirrely crap that has been all around me this weekend. there seems to be a bitch vibe in the air. no one is immune - not even me. then agian, how could i tell if i were under the spell of a bitch vibe?

did you ever think you could gain any kind of street cred with adolescent prostitutes? did you ever think you would be helping to search for one lost shoe during a movie? did you ever think you would begin to understand words in spanish even though you don't really know any spanish? did you ever think you might be excited just to hear a person speak to you for the first time when you've known them for months? me neither. it's a thrill ride.

and by the way, what the fuck is pan's labyrinth about anyway? i'm sorry but i just cannot force my self to get into that movie. it's supposed to be this great thing and i'm supposed to be mesmerized. maybe i'm just a dumb bastard. whatever.

but i digress. perhaps. it's hard to digress when one doesn't even have a point to a rant in the first place. or it's easy to digress in that case, because a rant is essentially a progression of rambling blurbology and foam at the mouth which may or may not have much sense to it in any detectable way. sounds perfect for me. i feel totally blurby and foamy today. it must be that moon coming at me again. oh, and i forgot to take my medication at my normal time, so the twitch has taken hold of me just a bit. still don't get that fucking movie, though.

is coffee really a good idea at a time like this?

it's possible that the reason i'm cranky is because my old lady parts (hey you, get your mind out of the gutter) are serving as weather detectors by aching today. exercise would prolly be a great idea in this case, but i'm paradoxically unable to move very much because i'm too busy whining about how i need to loosen up first. so be it. maybe the cats will treat me like a freeway and accidentally give me a back rub by stomping on me on their way to the food bowl. i should get a jump on that; perhaps a nap on the kitchen floor. the tiles are nice and cool. the floor does need to be vacuumed and it would give me a good reason to clean the house.

my evenings as of late are mostly relaxing, though. i've gotten out into the world again. you don't even want to know my final analysis on how many rehearsals i've had in the past... oh, two years. let's just say it merits a heavily-stamped passport to crazytown and leave it at that. now i'm taking some time to see people and stuff and things before i take on another project. all those recommendations to relax have been heeded. i think you all for your concern. and yet, i still manage to fill more time than i should, but at least it's in a variety of ways for now. i'm even getting a chance to explore more of my artistic skills. fun fun fun!

the other new discovery for me is that my house can be a cool place to hang out and do some chillaxin' after a hard day. who knew that when you actually see your house once in a while you can really come to love it? be proud of me, my friends, for i have learned the joys of pj's and a night of boring once again.

new projects on the horizon:
i'm not telling you yet. you'd only be disappointed in me for making so many damn plans! i can pretend to do nothing for a while longer.

12 December 2010

out of town blogging

jeezy chreezy, remember that scene in european vacation where they were all supposed to have so much fun that they whistled zip-a-dee-doo-dah out of their assholes? well, clark w. griswold would be very proud of me today. mary and tim and myself have spent the last two days wearing ourselves out with some f-u-n, baby.

she even had to make a list of the fun, just to document it. i'm sure she'll facebook the whole thing and publish a buttload of photos. we sure have taken enough of them to make a few memories. i think i'm in love with my shitty camera on the ipod - it might be grainy and fuzz things up like an old school homemade 110 camera that you constructed out of tape and stuff, but it's a totally fun application of technology. me likee!

poor north carolina. that phelps guy who thinks "god hates fags" and pokes his nose into other people's funerals felt the need to come by the city this weekend with his cohorts. the city decided to respond by adding extra police to the whole area, and even sending out security to drag queen bingo. pffft, like they could even begin to take on people who wander around in three or four inch heels. whatevs, my peeps. someday, if i'm an important person who needs a bodyguard, i might just hire someone in drag to do that for me.

oh, and i am of the opinion that when you're on any sort of vacation, be it two days or two years, you're entitled to eat like there's no tomorrow! man, that burger was so leaky that it took two extra napkins to dry off my hands, which still smelled like yummy yummy meat-soaked hamburger buns all the way back to the house. talk about your satisfied customers.

today we're off to eat african food and then shuffle me to the airport. when i get home i'll spread out the spoils of my trip. new artwork (sorry, derek!) to hang, a zagnut bar (which will prolly be gone before i even hit the second airplane) to tide me over, hello kitty stuff out the wazoo, programs from a performance of "oh, the humanity", and my faboo wonky cat from the happiest recycling store ever. the scrap exchange alone would've been worth the trip!

but the puppet show with someone wearing a house on her head sure didn't hurt. i mean, stuff like brief and wonderful abstract puppet shows can make anyone smile.

something i like:
chatting with tim on the soggy porch

22 November 2010

the inside out version

after going so many months and sustaining my terrible habit of twelve (or more) hour days, i find myself feeling a bit lost today. the calendar for this week is mostly an oasis of blank spots and nothing, with the only part of it all being my evenings chock full of fun things like musicals and comedy and food. what is this newly found freedom i see before me?

it's great! it's grand! it's fucking terrifying! goodness, i haven't even had a real night off yet and here i am already fretting about what to do with so many free evenings. it isn't hard to suppose that i could've learned a thing or two from goldilocks, now is it? though the struggle for moderation totally sucks, i do keep on trying. wait a minute... are buddha and goldilocks related somehow?!?! is this some indoctrinating cautionary tale from those crazy eastern peeps that held our dear old western storytellers spellbound without their consent? i knew that fairy tales were a conspiracy, but i never could have dreamed they were out to take over the world with only a bit of porridge!

or rather, i meant to say.... yes, i do need a hobby to occupy me in a relaxing way. there is always brushing the cats to fix that. my new thing is playing with all the random string laying about and learning to crochet. it is only in the very formative stages, so my projects up until this point have included three chains of tangled yarn, something resembling a hot pink onion ring, and half a squeezy thimble puppet. after learning this new skill over the weekend, its fascinating properties have me thinking that idle hands take away from the other senses, as i was amazingly focused on the music while i tried to crochet a glove-like thingy. the wad of yarn was a mess, but i was relaxed and able to hear melodies with great clarity while trying to disentangle myself from the freeway of fuzz. another spellbound moment in action. hmmm, i see a theme going here.

what's up next:
making birthday plans!

06 November 2010

awe and inspiration for boring people like me

being a creative person can lead to some seriously weird creativity blocks. in the past i've called it the difference between inspiration and creation, as well as some other vague descriptions that don't make much sense to anyone but myself. i am in awe of other people's creations, which should inspire me to make something myself, right? it generally whips me into a form of intimidation that stops all creation in its tracks.

the perfect remedy? be in awe of someone who does something i have no idea how to do. stop inviting comparison to my own work and learn to appreciate the things that do inspire me. sure, i didn't eradicate smallpox by way of an internet search engine or invent an as seen on tv product that will lure millions into a midnight shopping frenzy, but i can stick stuff to other stuff with some amount of skill. i bet the guys at google don't even have a cool adhesive collection like mine. then again, it occurs to me just how many times that me and megan have remarked on how interesting someone else's life is, especially when we see ourselves as boring slugs that blushingly like to watch top model while eating pizza and cupcakes.

my own life, for instance, has raised a few eyebrows and some interest from others. to this i say, "huh? really?" in my head i'm just now starting to become an artist, which may come as a surprise to people; or perhaps not too surprising to the other artists i know. don't we all feel just a little inept at leading our own lives when other people are so damn exciting? it's a big day for me if i remember to take my medication and put my stinky socks in the hamper after i fling my shoes across the living room. and just think - i manage to be interesting and creative.

this is why i cram my life full of other interesting people... which is, of course, anyone who isn't myself and has a wonderful story to tell about that time they did this or that and it ended up as wow that was really cool and don't you think that coincidence is amazing but it was really nothing i swear, but oh it was something to me because i was in awe of the story of the thing i never did myself. but i still don't know if i want to milk a cow or eat live bugs just to have a story like that. i mean, what if i gag on a squirmy cricket and a moving body part flies out of my nose? great story, but not so much worth the trauma of it all when you think it over. okay, so maybe milking a cow would be fine, so long as it didn't hurt my back too much in the end, but the bug thing prolly wins it every time.

but i digress, per my usual habit of digressing. hmmm, it would seem that my block is broken by the thought of live cricket parts shooting out of my face. how's that for boring and interesting combined?

addicted to :
wearing lots of bracelets
lighting matches
peanut butter
my cats purring loudly
fluffy socks

02 November 2010

i can learn to say no

by saturday night, i came home and stared. my body piled itself on the sofa and i drooled while the cats did some self-petting head butts at my elbows. and hands. it wasn't that i had done some kind of strenuous physical activity, but more that i hadn't seen my own house in what seemed like weeks. there is a special word that i have no grasp on when asked to volunteer for things. NO. in this, i manage to overcommit myself to everything i can think of to do. result? me drooling on the sofa.

each time this happens, the reaction is similar to that of a weekend alcoholic with a hangover. "i'm never gonna do this again!" and just like that binge drinker, i fall victim to my own follies again and again without thought to the repeated vow made to lighten up on everything. what the hell is wrong with my brain? does it think that running ragged is a lifestyle choice?!? oh sure, i can SAY that taking on more isn't an option, but then it just feels like being lazy and selfish... to simply take a day off from being the super duper version of me. lately i've had a few people ask me when my burnout phase is going to come, as if it is inevitable. in an effort to stave off the complete breakdown i have scheduled mini breakdowns for more convenient times so that i won't end up in fetal position with my shower spraying me in the face while i am fully clothed and muttering random song lyrics. now really, that would be a spectacular burnout, but who has the time for it?

when you look at my calendar, it doesn't seem too daunting. there isn't much of an overlap on items, plenty of blank spots that don't involve times i should be asleep, and most all of my appointments are in legible handwriting. it's amazing - how does a girl with so little to do get so much done and feel as if she hasn't done anything, all while managing to stay up too late because she was out past eleven (almost) every night getting things done? not really sure when my schedule became the riddle of the sphinx, but it's a paradox, i tell you.

going with my usual silliness, i'm looking at the pages for this week and wondering when i'm going to take a break. oh, wait! i have that scheduled for next month! just a few more weeks until glorious freedom... and a whole new set of commitments that i've made without consulting my own damn brain or my calendar. however, like any good alcoholic, i promise never to do this to myself again.

today's big task:

21 October 2010

random side notes - chapter twenty seven

i'm sitting with the fuzzbabies and listening to marilyn monroe tunes. they seem to like her, as they're presently in a bizarre trance of snoring with their eyes open. are they asleep? are they contemplating the possibility of suffocating me in my sleep? it's like how i've seen animals react to the cheesy flash gordon movie from the seventies - creepy and reassuring all at the same time.

my lady guts are playing tricks on me, or the aliens have been abducting me and doing experiments. i've had the urge to cry for the last week. okay, so i've cried more than normal in the past week. sure sure sure, you twisted my arm. i cried at five minutes worth of television last night. after looking at the lunar calendar, i'm going to blame it on the impending full moon, like the water in my body is reacting to some tidal shift.... here in the middle of the country, of course. it all makes sense to me. if i'm going to get all choked up about rhiannon's kid starting school and getting homework, then i need some good excuse for being fucked up in the head. i mean, besides that whole crazy thing, ya know.

somehow, everyone wants to donate alottashit to my work lately, just by talking to me. well, some shit by some peeps, but it's good shit from good peeps. we all know i'm a silver-tongued devil, but this can't just be the product of my charms. i'm thinking that the full moon is adding to the population's universal sense of guilt and we're getting the spoils. that would keep my giant ego in check and hopefully keep my serendipity run going without my waiting for the other shoe to drop tendencies to kick in and make me cry again.

mmm.... getting the urge for sweet potato pancakes now, thanks to mary.

but seriously, is there some reason that i should see two live chickens whipping down the sidewalk in my very urban neighborhood?!? what kinda operation are we running here, folks? i had to drive down the street twice just to make sure i wasn't seeing things. one white, one red, both chunky and fast-moving. no shit. chicken or otherwise.

i've gone all day without answering the phone! i hate checking voice mail anyway. as of this evening, i've only responded to three text messages, and since i'll be at work all weekend i decided to get stuff done from home today, which also meant a trip to the movies with julie and her family. i'm pretty sure the women in the next row were trashed in the middle of the afternoon, because one of them felt the need to stretch out and lay down across four seats while giggling. or did she just miss her mommy and need a wooby blanket to watch "the social media" before announcing to us during the credits that she had just been signed up to facebook by her friend this morning? people freak me out.

leftover alert!
chinese food in the fridge is calling to me...

01 October 2010

with apologies to my peeps

you know how when you have a lot to do, and you're totally getting a lot done, when you skip a task because you're so damn busy - you feel like you're not getting anything at all done? uhhh, but maybe that's just me. i'm fascinated by a paradox like that. so now i'm in that thing where one of my bajillion juggling balls drop and i screech in a panic until i get some cheese to calm me down.

somewhere in all this i've managed to let my friendships wither to rather slim amounts of communication. i wanna scream out "I'M SORRY!" to all of my peeps at once. i know that in reality they will forgive me for going into my hole and being all mysterious and shit. i'm not mad at anyone, i'm not depressed, i don't have any major breakdowns scheduled for the present moment, so i don't want anyone to worry about me. i think i just have a touch of information overload that makes me retreat to my own little world the second i hit the door at night.

there is an interesting phenomenon that happens to me when i get really busy. sure i'm out there and talking to people and getting messages and hearing my phone beep all the time and... and... and... i feel disappointing and isolated somehow. it's funny how being so jacked in to so much stuff can put you in such a solitary haze. i think i even wrote a paper on this not so long ago when i was still in college. ironic how i've fallen victim to the very thing i've warned myself about in the past. you would think i would see it coming.

this leads to a whole other discussion about ironic isolation induced by living in a techno-glutted world, but i'll leave that one for another time. scott and i have had an ongoing thing about this for years. it's like a whole dissertation that should be saved for the possibility of further tortured times of education.

for now, i'll just apologize for for being a hermit to my actual life and admit that i need to keep up with people and stop making excuses for why i would rather crash on the sofa, forcing stuart copeland and mr. bubbas to watch endless amounts of bad television with me in the middle of the night while i get other work done. the cats would be happy to see me having a life as long as it doesn't interfere with their shedding and eating schedules. but you peeps still like me, right? i swear i haven't been eaten by a black hole or a giant octopus. and besides, it's opening night for one of the shows i'm directing (yes, i am on two different projects right now outside of work, because i'm an idiot) and i fell the three o'clock jitters lurking in the background. love me, i beg of you!

other things to catch up on:
the recycling is getting restless
thank you notes are polite
cats need a nail clipping

18 September 2010


today is a lazy day. i keep wondering how i get so exhausted when it feels like i don't get much of anything done. true enough, i do have somewhat of a tight schedule, but does running from place to place and taking little notes on my steno pad count as large amounts of activity?

stuart copeland has become quite chatty as of late. he has the wimpiest voice ever, so this new development obviously fills me with glee. his meow is like that of a teeny tiny kitten. eee! hearing that come out of a twelve pound ball of fuzz is enough to make anyone melt.

you would be proud of me. not only did i get some decent books read before the next book salon, but one of them was even a fiction novel. that is so not the norm for me. i don't know when i made the leap to primarily reading non-fiction, but it's hard for me to do any fiction longer than a short story these days. i can tell you that confessions of an ugly stepsister was worth the effort for me. maybe i'll even try another one this month.

the new job is going along swimmingly so far. they think i'm doing something right, i still have a job, and everyone seems pleased. fingers crossed for more progress.

think i should hit the greek festival today. already have plans to go see this opera preview thingy this evening before i go off to a coffeehouse. me, busy? never.

indulgence of wonderfulness:
sushi boat!

04 September 2010

where does the time go?

it almost feels as if the past month has slipped away from me. i've gotten a new job, a new computer, a new keyboard that i haven't quite bonded with just yet, and it feels like there is a whole new season finally beginning. some people see autumn as the end of things, but i think that's when the world begins anew for me. after a few months of drudgery and sweating, i can finally breathe.

i'm sure if i look back to each of my autumn postings, i would see that same theme again, too. at the start of each calendar year, i take time to see where i have been and where i'm headed, and when lent comes to me, i decide which modifications i wanna make in my life, but it's really this time of year that seems to breed real change for me. it also turns out to be the busiest time in my life.

new theatre season and opening parties. new employment. new contract jobs to go along with said employment. new technology, both purchased and learned. new opportunities for me to do new stuff. new ways for me to be a complete jackass. new contacts every week. it's a bit overwhelming, really, to think of my sponge-like absorbency of information in the past few weeks. no wonder i slept well into the afternoon today. ah yes, the joys of being a "growed-up" type. first i lay around for hours on my day off, then i eat pb&j for breakfast.... i mean brunch, all while watching ripley saving newt and corbin saving leeloo. moooll-teee-passsss.

oh, and i got to go backwards this week, too. remember how you always wanted to cut class just to hang out in the rooms with the cool kids? i spent the whole day on thursday in high school art and drama rooms (as part of my new job - no shit, man!) and got to hear an author's lecture to boot. high school is way more fun when you're pushing 40. amy sedaris was definitely on to something good.

my totally exciting week also included rearranging the living room and getting a new cup. am i fabulous or what? oh, and then there are those pesky things like work, rehearsals, and the occasional brushing of my hair. somewhere in all that i found time to commit to judging little children in a halloween costume contest, because i'm of the few people in town who's not afraid to make the little darlings cry on their little pillows. tonight i'm off to the theatre to see some friends in a promisingly kitschy show. there's nothing like prison girls, right?

project of the week:
hanging my first art show at the new gig

03 July 2010

happy birthday, country

for some reason, my reverent side has poked its node into my business. i've inadvertently become party to a debate about independence day. as a holiday, i'm not really into it. too much beer and partying and not enough remembering the reasons behind why it's there. this year i'm going to spend some time reading historical documents and thinking. maybe i'll even wander off to the library today to stare at some historical maps that show the changes we've gone through over the years. i heart maps - they have so much information! between that and the constitution, i could get lost for hours. see you next winter.

okay, so if it doesn't storm (as expected) then i'll prolly go out on the fire escape and also watch the pretty pretty lights in the sky as well. who doesn't like shiny fireworks? hmmm, could be that plenty of people don't like them, but that was a rhetorical question anyway. but i don't like the lake or huge parties with crowds of idiots or traffic with shitty drivers or that other stuff. it's nice to be able to celebrate from the comfort of my building. after being here for a while now, it's getting a homey feel to me. can you believe it's been this long since we've moved around the country? i feel downright settled.

now it's other people's turns to move and leave me here. megan had to retire from the ballet earlier this spring due to persistent injuries, so she decided that she wants to go to college and started applying all over the place. i can't wait for her to turn into some linguistics geek, but she got in to a ritzy college on the east coast, so they'll be off and moving in a couple of months. it makes me sickly grateful that she had to have another surgery and thus needs some company to keep her entertained over the summer. now her whole family is going to be on the east coast with nick and i'll be waving in the wheat and heat with derek. time for a vacation? that would be a definite yes.

with most of my peeps on each coast, what's a girl to do? for a while were we gypsies without the stevie nicks accoutrements and covered caravans. now we're stable and planted, which would normally freak me out in the worst way. have i become rigid? am i in a rut? some days i have to remind myself that it's okay to have an absence of chaos in my life.

chaos is like crack to me, a kryptonite that i can't seem to shake. there's this one side of me that has a very regimented schedule all done up in color coding (thank you vee! you rock!) and notations, but the other side of me truly needs the unexpected to fall in my lap. it must come from my ability to get bored with things. although i've never had a gift for balancing the total onslaught of stimuli with the scent of the familiar, it keeps things interesting. poor derek. how it must suck for him on days when he just wants to lay around with no pants and i'm all up in a tizzy with twitchiness.

speaking of twitchy, i'm waiting to hear back about the job interview. i've gone beyond my superstitious side into actually thinking positively on this one. ack! i'm so used to waiting for the other shoe to drop... on my head. honestly, this was the most comfortable interview i've ever had, which is saying a lot for me. i normally start babbling about really weird shit when i get nervous and blow it right there. things seemed to go smoothly enough and it's a hopeful situation, so we'll see.

anybody got one extra sparkler i can have? i do like those.

random fact about me:
i hate it when the microwave timer doesn't get reset after use.

20 June 2010

summer slug

okay, so my last post was a total slack, but i have to admit that i was in a hurry and still wanted to get something out there. it was more like a reminder to myself that i need to communicate with the world. hence, i've been getting out there and doing stuff.

holly might think that i'm always going about 400 miles an hour, but in truth i am a socially awkward slug who likes to sleep just as much as she does. the only reason i cultivate my inability to say no is to keep me from staying holed up all the time. if i have a reason to leave the house, i'll actually get out of bed. if there's nothing to do, then it's a toss-up. moving towards my desk isn't that hard, but putting on real clothes and getting out there is more difficult, especially in the summer months. with all this air-conditioning at my disposal in here, why should i venture into the humidity? having my pantsies stick to my butt and my fat folds get all moist isn't exactly my idea of a good time.

like for instance, last night i had real plans to go to an art thingy. the next thing i knew, i was dusting wildly and cooking surplus meals for the week. my plans for a hip saturday night turned into "things i should get done" and fabulous excuses not to sweat any more for the day. at least i did have holly over for a while yesterday after auditions. see? i took on another project to make me socialize. it's only a ten minute play, but that's all i can handle during summer camp. after messaging a few people to see what they were doing last night, i started rooting around the house and ended up getting my 1950's on for the evening. and yes, i did put on some lipstick to add to the total effect. who can cook and clean without a stitch of makeup on to make them feel pretty? i mean, really.

today i plan to bask in... nothing much. just this week julie asked me where i got all my energy to take on new projects here and there with such little notice. this must be the place, julie. my whole schedule so far? get up. put hair in ponytail. make coffee. goof off. drink coffee. take medication. make waffles. goof off some more. peruse internet. listen to christina aguilera. twitter for no reason. drink more coffee. stare at cats. stare at derek. write in blog. hey there! it sounds like i've really gotten something done today! i'm sure i could add a few more teensy things to my list to bulk it up, like had to pee, or put away waffle ingredients. there is my exciting life. oh, and i just poured the last of the coffee.

what christina says:
thanks for makin' me a fighter

09 June 2010

for those who like mail





what i'm doing:
running around like a crazy person! the more things change, the more they stay the same, huh? if i ever become too calm you might wanna slap me or stick a mirror under my nose, just to check.

08 June 2010

miss george goes to town

well, ep turned out as a success and all my little chickens seemed pleased with themselves. from what i can tell, everyone had a good time with the whole thing overall. i'll be writing up an overview from my side. they all wanna do it again next year and i hope the feedback we got supports that notion. did it drive me bonkers some days? yup. would i do it again? without even a second thought. is it okay to be proud of myself just a little on this one? the last time i put together something even remotely like this was with an original sketch comedy group. it's only a vague comparison, but it had enough drama with only a few of us to be in the realm of comparable to this. and we all had cars to get to rehearsal.

next week i start teaching again, so i must take george out of the equation and put some miss george back into it. see, miss george is a kinder version that isn't allowed to say motherfucker when the actors are being freaky. kinda what i had to do on ep, but with even smaller people in the mix. sometimes they don't really speak in complete sentences that i can understand, like a secret code that i have to learn as the summer passes. perhaps hey feel the same way about me on that point. as long as i've had some coffee first, i can handle anything.

scott and i were talking last week about the ability to make a difference with the arts. besides using a lot of four letter words in the conversation, the gist of it was that we've both reached---

holy shit! derek and stuart copeland are bonding!!! it's a freaking miracle!!! if i weren't here to see it myself there is no way i would believe it. my cat, who loves only me and follows me around the house like a dog, is talking to derek. this didn't even happen while i was living in seattle and these two were here without me. he just rubbed up on derek's belly! no really, this is a big fat deal, i swear. whoa. i'm floored here.

--reached a point where we take seriously the advice we once got... rehearse lots and lots, have an ego, don't give a shit if anyone likes it or not. i don't mean any of this in a bad way, either. it's a tool to keep yourself going on a project when you're not sure at the beginning just how it'll turn out and you wanna be confident anyway. it also helps you enjoy the time you're spending on the project, because you don't care about butts in seats or what people think or anything. you are really learning how to just play and have fun. of course we all want to feel some inkling of making a difference, but it's become clear to me that if it's only with yourself, that's just super and piss on all else.

maybe my penchant for juvenile actions has become more prominent again. i went through a phase where i tried to be nice and please everyone. that was exhausting. being diplomatic isn't exactly my strong suit, but i find that if i'm at least genuine and (oh, let's call it) forthright, i can smile pretty and get away with some social faux pas in the process. knowing how to apologize in a sincere way should count as part of being tactful in my world.

in fact, the teens i was with are a good example of that. in one sense, they're more sensitive and volatile than the adults i talk to; and yet, they were also completely callous to any sort of sarcasm and craved getting a critique each night. you feel it coming off their skin when they want you to back off and stay away from them or come closer and be involved. they're a total mystery to me in the coolest way. can i be more like them? it's not an eternal youth, wishing i was back there at their age thing. i just dig their company because i feel like it's easy to see where you stand on a daily basis. adults confuse me most the time. even i confuse me most of the time. it could all just be a lesson in simplicity. nevertheless, this whole being cool with kids thing is a real shocker to me. i mean, come on. aren't i the one who makes people cry? (p.s. no one copped to any crying on ep, and i never saw it, so no dollars were handed out.) and aren't teenagers known for their wild mood swings? me plus the "hormones with feet" crowd should be like an explosion waiting to happen. the fact that it hasn't been that way so far and i have so much fun in spite of the facial tics they induce... this equation is seriously messing with my tiny brain.

it could be that i refuse to grow up. this can be my achilles heel on occasion. if you see me on the floor throwing a tantrum, don't be too surprised. just give me candy and then ignore me while i flop around making weird noises. i'm crazy like that.

random fact about me:
i like to take cheese slices and fold them into even smaller cheese slices until they are teeny tiny cheese bits that i can pop into my face as a snack.

02 June 2010

food! glorious food!

derek just made me steak for my late supper - WOOHOOOOO!!! not just any steak, mind you, but some mighty tasty bacon-wrapped filet mignon. does this boy love me or what? it's amazing what secrets the freezer can hold in an attempt to make people stop going out to eat all the time. hey, i figured that since restaurants are my wallet's achilles heel, i should just splurge on the fridge to help me save money in the long run. thanks to derek's cooking skills and my late rehearsals in prep for this weekend's show, it is paying off in nummy nummy ways.

speaking of food, kris is having a blast with audrey in the kitchen, and i'm also having fun reading all about it. it would seem that i can also save money by having them cook for me when they come to town again. since a two year old girl can cook more dishes than i can, may as well take advantage of the situation. do you think audrey will give me some handy tips?

ryan came over monday night to dork out. our usual routine as of late is to eat chili and have me laugh while she plays video games with derek. just to change it up, we finished all the thank you notes for her graduation with my secret stash of cards and stickers. in exchange, she took me and derek out for a mountain of chinese food that lasted me until lunchtime today. then we came back to the house and gorged our tiny brains on many episodes of daria. it's nice to have a friend who can throw down like a show down with you when it comes to eating meat and veggies.

if only holly had been with us that night! instead, she texted me yesterday with an intense sushi craving. unfortunately, i had to get to the theatre in time and all the favorite places we tried didn't open up until at least five. we had to settle for some nicely smoked salmon and cucumbers at cosmo. i tried to make up for the disappointment by ordering some of their faboo italian nachos and the two of us scraped the plate until no cheese was left in sight.

uhhh, did i mention that i like to eat?

in an effort to keep some real f-u-d in my gullet, we've instituted the healthy snack bucket on the kitchen counter. it's filled with clif bars, dried fruit thingies, oranges and the like. you know how they say out of sight, out of mind? the first bit of nosh i see when i come into the kitchen is a pile of things that are okey dokey for nibblies. good habits abound in the food station. i blame megan and sparrowe for this one. they turned me into that person that doesn't keep total crap in the house anymore... without me even realizing the transformation had happened! yikes!

thank goodness there is a quiktrip on every corner. when the junk food monster claws at my back, i can always go grab a stick of food from the hot rolly wheels. mmmmm, taquito. hey, i have managed to keep my post-lent vow on really limiting my intake of sodie pop, and i can only be so good at this whole healthy food thing. every girl needs a vice or two. or however many it is that i have these days. i lost count again. who cares? i'd rather be kinda fat. maybe i should write a book with that title. bet it would sell a bajillion copies out of commiseration alone, don't you think? then i can jaunt from place to place on my massive book tour all over the country, toting books down the street and running all over the place to stay healthy. your copy will have a personalized signature with a funny comment, i promise. just don't ask what i ate that day.

i'm curious:
anyone wanna go see the wnba team with me? no, i don't hate all sports, contrary to popular belief. it's just the cultish effect with certain sports that leaves me cold.

31 May 2010

education versus academics

so, in an effort to assure myself that i'm not really grad school material, i've been investigating grad schools this week. you know what i've figured out so far? there are a lot of forms and rules and all that whatnot in most of the programs. it doesn't sound like much fun. in fact, there aren't even many programs that even caught my attention for more than a click through moment on the internet.

click. click. click. close window. new google search. "the cheap and shitty graduate degree program that doesn't care if you hate grades but love education and will take you even if you suck at following the rules" hmmm, no relevant results, but a terrific link i'm going to bookmark with some snarky one liners that make me giggle. maybe i should just enter quickie degree mill and hope for the best? click. click. how about a banner ad school? perhaps a game of darts with the back pages of psychology today would yield better research results than actually trying. it'll prolly take me at least a year to even decide if i want to go on with my schooling anyway. i'm obviously in no rush to pick out another degree program.

there is a professor who entertained me immensely during my degree process. when he told me that i would be a good candidate for graduate school, my reply was simple and to the point. "HAVE YOU MET ME?!?" he laughed and explained that my penchant for being a pain in the butt about the rules was what made me such a good student. i didn't care about being on the honor roll or impressing anyone with my marks, but i was there to learn something and teach it to others. here i was, publicly declaring that as long as i passed i didn't care what else happened, all the while tutoring other people and asking provocative questions in class just to get a decent discussion going.

quite surprisingly, my advisor gave me the same to do in the last weeks of the semester. this made me suspicious, as if they had conspired to recruit more people into academia. he told me that i would be great in education and should consider getting a higher certification so that i could go into teaching on a university level. what? who ever heard of a teacher that hates school? these people must be seeing something in me that i can't begin to fathom. the whole "dance, monkey, dance" thing about academics makes me nutty. if can teach after just getting my BS in BS (really, that's what it is - no kidding) by the skin of my teeth, that should be good enough for me. if there's a loophole out there that will let me put this to use in an educational way and make enough money to buy the cat food, damn straight i can find it and use it to my advantage. that's what college really taught me. loopholes and negotiations are my two best friends on the bureaucratic front. oh, and my sweet smile.

but of course, my curiosity always gets the better of me. click. click. click. no, i don't want to get a degree that came from a link in my spam box. that's going too far for even a cheeky dolt like myself. you know, i could hide out in school for a really long time and not have to worry about getting a real life until well into my forties if i played my cards right. hello, i'm a college student in middle age and still worried about purchasing highlighters and exam booklets. let's all practice that statement together, shall we? doesn't exactly have a great ring to it, but i bet i could polish it up if i went into the right program.

new google search. "grad schools for hiding out from the real world while still being able to pay the mortgage and have a life" at least my searches are yielding some laughs. is there some kind of information school that will give me credit for making funky internet searches? i could totally hang with that. it could even be supplemented with a class researching 800 numbers dialed randomly using seven letter words. not that nick and i do that when we get bored or anything. hell no, we would never be that stooopid just to make ourselves laugh until we pee. we never used mix-a-lot as the seven letter word, either. nope. not us. me and my brother aren't that ginormously silly and you can't prove it.

gotta run:
it's target day with sam and linsey!

30 May 2010

ep is emerging

another tech week has passed, and the shows from the kids look to be coming along better than even i had expected. working with first-time directors is about the cutest thing ever, especially since they're all teenagers. julie and i were commenting on how it's like listening to miniature versions of ourselves whenever they stop to inform us of all the mishaps and revelations and little things they're learning. that was the whole point of this project in the first place, to train younger artists on new stuff. i'm like twenty years older than the majority of the people involved in this whole hoo-ha and it's faboo! if you ever wondered why i'm such a childlike figure, it's because i spend my time hanging out with teens and being a big dork.

not too much backstage drama for the week. just an ambulance for a dehydrated panic attack, some freaked out phone calls back and forth, plenty of yelling, and a bit of new choreography. of course you know how i feel about every show needing a number, right? thank goodness someone built one into one of the scripts!

all in all, it was pretty normal except for the ambulance. all i know is that i would rather have that happen during tech than on a production night. the director of that show handled it very well, keeping levelheaded enough to both check on her actor and run back into the theatre to go on taking notes on everyone else while keeping them calm enough to finish the run that night. she even enlisted an understudy on the spot, without anyone telling her to do so, who had his lines and blocking down by the following rehearsal. who says a fourteen year old girl can't handle an emergency? she and the other directors have each had teensy problems like this and come through it with scars of honor so far. they've all done some theatre stuff before and know that shit happens so you just deal with it and fix the problem. luckily, it looks as if our poor sickly actor is fine. he asked for his script before he went to the ambulance and he was back at it the next night. talk about the show going on, huh?

the holiday weekend split up our normal tech schedule, so they have a few days away from the theatre and come back for two final dress rehearsals on tuesday. let's hope that everyone does at least a little something productive over the weekend so it isn't a massacre when we come back. to be honest, i'm kinda nervous about it being such a big break right before opening. i prolly shouldn't even worry. if i know them, then a few people will be cracking the whip so they don't get shown up as big assholes in front of the others. competition and peer pressure can be wonderful tools if used correctly.

so here is the tally:
  • one cancer scare, followed by shock brought on by massive allergies, but thankfully no cancer
  • one ambulance that didn't have to go to the hospital after all
  • one (known) texting war
  • one color-coded stage manager's book
  • one near revolt by cast members
  • one near revolt by project director
  • one near revolt by a writer
  • one "actors are jerks!"
  • missed rehearsals for unknown reasons and forgetting to check email
  • lateness due to stupidity and lack of scheduling and who knows what else
  • several roles recast overall for various reasons, including health issues and quitting by text
  • innumerable twitchy faces after rehearsal, especially by the stage managers
  • much nagging by me and the staff
see, i told you it was all pretty average stuff. this project is a blast, even if i felt like a was going crazy here and there. and just think - we haven't even opened the show yet! who knows what others wonders await us in the upcoming week? this is gonna be so much fun, i tell you. if superstition serves to be correct, the bad humps should be out of the way and things will run smoothly. all i have to do now is sit back and wait for one of the director's nerves to induce vomiting or crying. if it's crying then they have to give everyone a dollar. oh yes, the now infamous bet continues without a loser to date. i sure hope i'm not the one to crack. that's like twenty bucks i'd lose in this deal, and i'll be needing every penny to keep me flush with my medication.

impulse purchase alert!
daria: the complete animated series
holly's birthday present
stuff to make a spice cake of love

26 May 2010

words i like today - chapter four

in yet another fabulous installment of lexiconical loot (are these real words, or am i just making them up?) from me to you, i present a list of words that make me happy right now.

  • satification - coined by derek, at least in my awareness of it, this word is fully expresses the meaning of both satisfied and gratification at the same time. a prime example? eating meat gives me satification. yum.
  • candelabra - a word that not only give your mouth a good feeling when you say it, but also manages to evoke graphic pictures in your head when you think about it. it's ethnic, it's victorian, it's dark, it's fun. and it even has a bra, though no one will tell me what size.
  • stuff - i just like its all-encompassing nature, okay? live with it.
  • unencumbered - it could be a salad without a particular vegetable or it could be a freewheeling state of mind. though the definition has been stated as the latter, i'm never really sure. in any case, it makes me want to fling my arms out in glee.
  • jocular - like jokey, ya know? i'm not quite sure why this one came to me. perhaps because it sounds like it could be many different things, and yet i like it anyway.
  • coagulate - ewwwww, i love it.
  • buttcrack - am i juvenile? yes i am! but you have to admit, it's a hearty word that makes you giggle like an idiot for good reason. that viscreal "uuhhtttt" in the middle goes a long way for me on entertainment value.
  • snackies - it just makes food more fun.
although i could include some perennial favorites, that would be cheating. i always like any variation having to do with the word fluffy. it's fluffy! it's fuzzy! eee! fork, spork, pork, and all other words that rhyme with those give my mouth a feeling of satification when i say them. it could be the hard sounds in them, not to mention that i like to make weird noises by randomly imitating the swedish chef from the muppet show. let's not even talk about my affinity for making weird noises, right?

the radio station in my head:
georgy girl
sort of
bad romance
holly loves like a hedgehog (don't ask)
dream a little dream of me
hey baby
when my ship comes in

25 May 2010

yes, it did really happen... the bad day that was the best day ever

many of you have already heard this story, but it's a good reminder of how to keep things in perspective. you can thank veronica for reminding me of it. i'll warn you now that it's a long one, but i promise the payoff at the end is great.

while living in los crapeles, i had a few different jobs. one of them involved the education wing of the simon wiesenthal center. working for an important humanitarian non-profit in beverly hills seemed like a good fit for me, so i jumped at the chance to work for the museum of tolerance. the people were terrific, the job was great, but it did have one little hitch i wasn't really expecting. to put things in a light you'll understand, let me tell you this. to get to my former job here, about 12 miles away, it took me about 20 minutes worth of driving. the drive to my school here was around 45 minutes, but it's around 3o miles from my house. in order to get to my fabulous job for swc/mot i had to go maybe 8 miles... which took well over an hour on an average day. i knew about la traffic before, but i wasn't really prepared for the traumas of it during rush hour on a daily basis. even getting off early on fridays didn't help the mess of it all. so, everyone was giving me hints on which route to take and where all the side streets converge and so on in an effort to help me deal with the gridlock situation. i left each morning trying every way i could think of to get there without having a nuclear style meltdown or completely fucking up the clutch in my car.

on one particular day, i was exploring yet another alternative route (there were about five different optimal ways to get there, which were dictated by time of day and so forth, down to the very minute i would leave the house) to get to the museum in time to have my car searched. let explain this. when entering the garage of the building, a guard would have you get out while they searched your car from bumper to bumper. when entering the building, you had to go through a metal detector. even the employees had to be scanned and searched every single day, as we were working in what could be considered a target for hate crimes and terrorists. no kidding! it was a badge of honor i wore quite well and have kept my parking tag for the place ever since as a sentimental artifact. yep, it's in my car right now.

in any case, on the day of the fatal breakdown i was driving along and took the worst route i ever could have picked. construction, gridlock, wrecks, i had it all. about an hour into the trudge, i called work and left a message that i was running late. in an effort to counteract the clusterfuck, i changed to another street. things only got worse. some of the lanes were closed and all the cars in front of me wanted to turn or weave or some other jacked up thing. when i called derek in a panic about how i was going to get fired via cellphone while sitting in my car, he told me to calm down and call my boss again. i reached her office and told her where i was and what was happening, at which point she gave me a hint as to yet another side street i could take to get to work. that would've been great advice if the street had been accessible to me from where i was at the time, but part of the freeway was cutting me off from where i needed to be. of course i didn't know this at the time, so when i tried to get there i was even more fucked than before.

my car was starting to have flashing lights on the dash from creeping along in first or second gear for such an extended period of time. in trying to navigate the alleged shortcuts to work, i had been stuck out on the road for over two hours. by this time i was in tears and losing my marbles after a short jaunt of about 6 miles. miraculously, i found my way to an amazingly clear arterial street, probably now clear because rush hour was over and everyone else had managed to make it to their destinations except for me. after a few more stoplights i made it into the garage and up to the entrance. before heading to my post, i ran to the security office in the museum for my work jacket and passed by the break room. it was filled with docents and speakers waiting for their next tours. another important point you should know? the people hovering near the coffeemaker were all former neo-nazis and holocaust survivors. if you can imagine, that's most of the people i worked with at this job. they took one look at my bright red face and asked if i was okay. one gentle old lady pulled me aside and told me to go see my new boss before i went to work.

my boss was in shock at the state of me. as she was shuffling me from the office entrance in the next building into the conference room, i broke down almost immediately. what a sight i must have been! my feet were dragging me the conference table while i sobbed hysterically and every single person in the vicinity poked their heads out of doorways and up above cubicles to see what the hell was going on to create this stir. i sat down in a huge chair in the middle of the glass conference room as people walked by to see the spectacle. in those moments i cried so hard i must have turned purple and my head started to teeter in woozy swirls because my whole spine felt like it was giving way. it was the kind of cry you have as a small child, the kind where you can barely even speak between heaving breaths. my boss told me to ignore them and tell her what had happened. as i recounted my day of traffic horror, she held my hand in sympathy and let me know that she'd gone through a similar situation more than once. she assured me that i was not fired on account of all the cars in the world showing up on my morning drive, but that i needed to go get some air and decide what i was going to do.

my sad little body limped down the hall to reach the elevator so i could go outside, and though the stares had gone away, i became very aware that i had acted like a crazy person in the middle of the simon wiesenthal offices. panic left me as embarrassment took over. when i asked my boss how to explain to the others who were asking what had gone on, she simply told me to say that i was having a bad day. what? how can i tell these kindly older docents, who have lived through the freaking holocaust, that i'm having a bad day?!? no doubt it would take the biggest balls in history to compare my meager snarl to their lives.

and in swoops veronica to our story. before i went back to work i stopped across the street to get a soda and smoke a couple of cigarettes in an effort to calm down and let my face change back to its original color. whipping out my phone, i let derek know that i've finally arrived safely at my destination and haven't yet been burned at the stake for not being able to adapt to the traffic. as i hang up, i decide to call vee for a pep talk so that i can have the nerve to walk back into work as if nothing had happened. i tell her everything that's gone on that morning, down to the detail about being instructed to say that i was having a bad day.

"well, of course that's what you should tell them. if anyone asks, just brush it off and say you're having a bad day. it sounds like your boss gave you the right advice."
"but how can i do that? these people have lived through one of the worst events in history. for fuck's sake, who cares if i just moved here from oklahoma and i'm having a bad day?"
"just tell them you're not adjusted to the traffic here yet."
"veronica, they survived the fucking holocaust!"
"oh, holocaust schmolocaust. trust me, they'll understand. now suck it up and get your ass to work, or they will fire you, okay? hang up the phone and get in there."

still in shock, i did what i was told. after one more big breath and exhale, i strolled into the museum, once again going through the metal detectors and making my way towards the staff area. i found my jacket already laid out for me next to the time clock. a few of the people having coffee eyed me to see what i was going to do next, as the tale of my amazing breakdown had obviously been circulated with gusto amongst the staff that day. quite calmly, i clocked in and put on the jacket while trying not to look directly at anyone in the room.

a few of the staff members asked if i was okay. they gave me little pats on the shoulder and told me i looked much better. i just kept responding that i was having a bad day and thanked them for asking me about it. the lady who had earlier ushered me out to speak to me boss approached me slowly and put me in a heartfelt embrace.

"honey, are you feeling better now? we were worried about you in here."
"yes, thank you for asking. i'm having a really bad day. i'm very sorry to say that to someone like you, but i just don't know how else to put it."
"do you mind if i ask what happened?"
"well, i just moved here from oklahoma, and i knew that the traffic here was bad, but i wasn't prepared for it to take me so long to get here. i spent almost three hours in the car and i even tried all the ways people told me about, but i guess i just freaked out with road rage."
"oh honey! i understand what you mean. what an awful day for you. i'm so sorry!"

she gave me another huge hug and stroked my head. at this point i was thrown off in a way i can't even begin to describe. unable to understand her immense sympathy for my pitiful little whining about what must have seemed like a rather boring plight to most of the people in that city, i grabbed her hands and stared at her for a few seconds as she released me.

"wait a minute. how can you say that? i'm just having a hard time getting used to traffic here, and i'm acting like a big baby. you lived through the holocaust!"
"oh honey, the holocaust is over. traffic is every day."

yes, those exact words were spoken to me by a kind old lady and the whole world instantly changed. the utter absurdity of the statement made me laugh from the gut until i wheezed, at last feeling the release i needed. while i never had the nerve to tell her about veronica's offhand pep talk remark, i get the feeling she would have giggled in agreement. the fact that she looked so horrified at the thought of being stuck in traffic for three hours made me realize just how much we had in common. what she said made me realize the true meaning of things like dark humor and absolute relief. and though i did end up finding a job with a less horrendous commute shortly thereafter, it's those few moments that eventually continue to ring in my head whenever i'm having a bad day.

holocaust schmolocaust. traffic is every day.

thank you note:
we miss dizzy, but we will get through this okay. we appreciate the many condolences everyone has been giving to us and the other cats. don't worry too much. it gets a little better every day.

21 May 2010

today i will not think too hard

this week is very up and down in my moods. yes, i'm even considering taking an extra spot of meds to keep me going, but i know i won't actually do it. today is a very bad day - for me, for derek, for dizzy. in order to feel like myself, i must act as if it is a very average day instead.

to be an average day, that would mean i would drink coffee in the morning and write about most anything that came to mind. that would mean i would do something oddly stupid in the kitchen, like dry my socks in the microwave. an average day would find me tugging at my hair because it's now past my shoulders once again and the summer makes that kind of unbearable, like i might go shave my head on a whim. i would talk to scott about an email, i would put on sunscreen while listening to podcasts, and i would surreptitiously clean something while i was waiting for my socks to dry. so, i suppose this is an average day in what i have done so far.

today we are also going to attend a celebration for ryan's graduation. she's excited about getting into the art school of her choice and i want to encourage her in her first big adventure as an adult. this evening i have to see a rehearsal from one of the teens and get ready for the show i'm in right now. there are long breaks between my scenes, so i'll read a book or send text messages to people during the show. this will be an average day.

what i'm looking at:
photo of nick and megan on my computer
presents to ship to mary
the homework i still need to do

14 May 2010

random side notes - chapter twenty six

stuart copeland is getting to where he can only go so long without having me next to his side. his new codependence is really cute until i'm trying to use my keyboard and he wiggles around on the desk in a floppity way. oh, and i pretty much can't read anything without his approval. if only i had thought to use this as my best excuse when i was still working on my capstone. the wonder kitty is currently attempting to click my mouse with his fuzz-butt and has head head buried face first in my recent shopping confirmation from target. (ten dollar sheet set for the new bed - woohoo!) and they say that cats aren't as smart as we are. pffft. that's a keen way to spend the morning, if you ask me.

to celebrate the running of the 5k last week, i got kris a new cookbook to use with the girls. who could resist something called "cute yummy time" for a busy mom? i'm hoping that kris and audrey will make me some cute food next time they run through town. the chai muffins that looked like lambs and the singing crab bagel were some of my favorites.

it's time to make the donuts. looking forward, i may have a few job prospects that would make this whole college thing seem worth my money. while i was talking to julie about it, i mentioned that the high i was supposed to get after graduation has a possibility of kicking in if i can get a job related to my studies. the way things are anymore, using a degree for something more than a promotion at a call center is something fortunate. if i can manage to make something more out of mine it would be a lift. no details yet, and i'm totally superstitious about everything in the realm of working, so i'll fill you in when and if anything spick-tacular begins to happen for me.

i've gotten three pieces of mail from tara in the last week alone! like real mail, in the post and everything! i can't wait to check the mail each day. this is why i'm so hooked on postcards. when you've had a long day and you just wanna come home to blob out, it's a pleasant surprise to be welcomed back by a greeting from a friend. i simply must return the favor for her.

this is dummmm, but i love it: finally found somewhere to recycle my number five plastics. it always made me feel ironic to buy organic yogurt and then end up pitching the containers. it must be part of my green seizures thing. who the hell is this person and what have they done with the real george? thank goodness i'm still a smoker. there's only so far i can go into the good living whatnot before i start wearing hippie patchouli and find jesus behind the couch. save me from myself! personally, i blame megan and sparrowe - not to mention micheal pollan - but at least my moodiness is getting offset by the eating of real food... and medications. now i can defer the green seizure guilt a bit more by eating my yogurt in peace. if you've been looking for this like i have, go to whole foods and look for the bucket at the front of the store.

as i write more often, i'm beginning to fall in love with my own handwriting. it's got just enough flow to make me feel like an artist again. it's legible without being stuffy. it's like this quirky cool scribble. maybe i should get it analyzed someday to see if i'm some sort of a crazy person. there could be something to that whole seeing your personality through your penmanship stuff. when i look at a page with my own script, i totally see myself in it. and i've gone back to the use of a pencil for my scribbles. it's such a satisfying noise, like the tapping of the keyboard when i'm on the computer. the scratch of the pencil gives me a connected sense that i'm putting something out there even when it's just a to-do list. but that's enough dorkalicious mystical self-contemplation for one day. just try it and see. tell me what you think.

he's still head first in the papers. hehehehehe.

wow, it's really time to clean up my desk. i'm looking around and see that the paper demon is rearing its head. that's not even counting all the random shit i've pitched over here. what the heck is all this stuff anyway? graduation postcard, bits of mail, my special sticker box, the polaroid camera, books strewn about, stuart copeland, loads of sharpies, chinese fortunes, a plastic egg, headphones, the french review program i bought, bracelets, rolls of tape, extra lip balm. it's a jungle in here, i tell you! this sounds like an impending job for the middle of a sleepless night.

my reading list right now:
29 gifts
why i am a buddhist
entertainment weekly
grimmer tales
spooky little girl

12 May 2010

clammier than a clammy

whether it was something i ate or the weather outside, i feel nauseated. you would think that temperatures in the 60's and 70's would make me happy, but with the humidity in the bazillion percent, it feels more like i'm getting cheated, damnit. add to that the hurricane-grade wind we've been getting this week and i look a hot mess. how i am expected to drink my daily regiman of coffee in conditions like these is beyond me. me feel swollen. ugh.

dave and mark were here visiting from kansas city a few weeks ago. it would seem that i've slowly become dave's very lazy stalker. over the past twenty years, i've lived in his old apartment, had my shop just around the corner from where his shop was with the same general theme, and even bought his used george foreman from the thrift store. (yes, the one i got not so long ago!) to top it all off, i recently went to a furniture store and picked out his flamingo desk. in finding out about yet another hilarious coincidence in our parallel lives, he touched base with the owner and i got it for half price. eee! i see now that a gentle form of stalking can pay off in the end.

so now that i have a new flamingo desk, which derek graciously tolerates, i'm ready for some more changes. the desk with my computer got rearranged, we sold the ikea sofa, and we're getting a new bed. my redecorating ire is all fuzzed up and ready to light a match. hooray for holly - she's ready to do another garage sale with me! with the new bed will come new sheets. with the new random other stuff will be another purging of the old stuff. with the new fake diploma that i already lost somewhere in the house will come... something, i guess. oh, and after much thought we've decided to get derek a car of his own. ironically, it will be the same make and model as mine. it's not that way by design, but by luck of the draw and timing. yes, we'll have matching phone numbers and matching cars now. are you throwing up yet?

in theatre news, we have a show opening this week! vee is coming in for the occasion and i get to wear sassy pigtails all over my head for the production. julie has given us a tremendous amount of latitude in coming up with ways to be bizarre gods, so i'm trying my best not to make that many faces when we get notes. unfortunately, i do it without even realizing it, even when i totally agree with the criticism. whoops. but so long as i make the changes i can hope that she won't wrinkle her nose back at me. after all, i get to wear holey sneakers and sing as loud as possible with the utmost off key fervor. nothing to complain about here.

my writing goals were spotty for a couple of weeks, but i'm forcing myself to stay relatively on track. it's getting easier every day just to sit down and do it. some days i stick to the blog or my paper journal. some days i draw and then write about what i see. some days i remember to write postcards or letters. it began as five minutes a day, but i've slowly pushed my goal towards fifteen, which really isn't as much as you would think. eventually i would like to get to at least one hour at a time, but what if i run out of stuff to say? oh wait. this is me we're talking about here. that's not likely to happen. besides, i can always switch between letters and whatnot.

but today is a lazy day. i don't feel like getting much of anything done. even the pile of research next to me that awaits a blaze of glory isn't holding my attention. hmmm, sounds like the perfect time for a purge. when i don't feel any attachment to my stuff, that's the best time to get rid of things. feng shui attack!

how to make friends:
1. find someone you want to be your friend.
2. literally ask them "will you be my friend?"
3. wait for strange reaction and proceed.

10 May 2010

her name wasn't in the program, so did she really graduate?

in any case, i suppose i thought that there has been more updates posted about this. oh wait! it was just all that typing i was doing to finish up the capstone thingy and some other nagging projects. it's all coming clear to me now. the writing haze has been over me, but not in the good way you one would hope for when it comes to writing.

so yes, the graduation was saturday afternoon. yes, the finals have all been turned in and they let me walk. it will be technically be a summer graduation for me, since i still have three credits in computer science to get cleared. for those of you that didn't know, i totally bombed on the computer proficiency exam i took for advanced credit. how???? i know, right? here's how:
1. i own a mac. i heart my mac. they don't. they only test on a pc. that right there should tell you how fucked i was when i even walked in the joint.
2. my computer has the old 2003 editions of the software from testing... that work just fine for my needs, thank you very much... in light of how techno-challenged i am to begin with.
3. derek is an excel master. therefore, i need not know a damn thing about it. and since when do they test over excel when they say the test will be all about internet shit and stuff like that?
4. no cheats, no help usage, no menus, no keyboard commands. they took away everything that people actually do use in the programs and then told you to get shit done. what. the. fuck. ever. dudes. bite me.
5. it was destiny.

so, now i have to take a computer concepts class beginning in about 8 hours. yes, i know i should be in bed by now. i ate a grilled cheese sammich and i feel too peppy to sleep at the moment. it's only a three week class and i'll be finished by the end of the month. maybe i'll even learn how to do bliggity blaggity bazoom with excel. in other clep news, i took a french language test on friday and managed to score six whole credits for a measly 72 bucks and only two hours of my time. it's hard to imagine that my retention from ages ago and my haphazard review skills added up to a win on that. sheesh, i'll take the testing mojo prize after the computer debacle. (no, seriously, the little man in the office told me i wasn't anywhere near even close to passing. i asked.) with that outta the way, i can concentrate on holding my breath until the next few weeks of computer dipshit hell is over. with, of course, me being one of the dipshits. maybe i can take on that old anthony michael hall role as king of the dipshits. hooray!

but i digress.

the graduation ceremony was just as boring as all the other graduation ceremonies. we did have a decent speaker who had fabulously fuzzy eyebrows of white. he spoke in an animated fashion and hopped all over the stage. gee, i suppose that sounds like we had mark twain, doesn't it? that's my story and i'm sticking to it. in discovering that my school actually does have an alma mater, which was printed on the program so we could figure out the words, i also discovered that it is sung to the tune of the kellerman's song at the end of dirty dancing. that being said, i simply could not resist the urge to belt out, "at kellllllllerman's the frinnnships last long aaaaazz the mowwwntains staaaaaannnnn!!!" perhaps the girl in the next row was annoyed. perhaps she's just never seen the movie. perhaps the song is a real song that i just happen to associate with my crazy eighties teen years. whatever. my peeps in my row almost peed with laughter and i managed to keep us all entertained on an otherwise stuffy occasion. hey, if you don't want me to sing movie tunes, don't pick the songs that go with them.

you're singing it right now, aren't you? especially that part where the older sister is jiggling around completely off key in her coconuts. i can hear you and want you to know that it's totally okay. it's my official graduation song, so you're in celebration with me every time you sing the song from now on... and please have the decency to shake your coconuts.

so they did have the money to print the kellerman's alma mater on the program. that must have been really expensive. like in a holy crap bankruptcy expensive kinda way. you can tell, because they forgot to print my fucking name in the program! did they run out of money for ink or what?!?! it happened to at least one other girl that i have confirmed in person so far, and she said that would make total four of us that she knew about from hearing the buzz. it was a moment that i wasn't sure whether to giggle or scream, so i howled with laughter just to cover all the bases. they left the psych honors society out of awards recognition (like the cum laude people and stuff) and they were hacked off. i smiled and said that at least they made it into the program, to which the girl sitting next to me burst into laughter and said how shitty my end of the stick was that day. everything in its perspective, we kept on texting our friends and family while simultaneously making snarky comments about random shit.

now, i don't wanna seem like a hard ass here, but would it have been so hard to get every graduate's name in the program? i mean, we did pay our grad fees and even wore those stupid fireproof gowns and hats. they managed to give out a posthumous degree to a kid who died during the fall semester. warning - this will sound really cold. so his brothers came on the stage and got a standing ovation for collecting a degree that he didn't even finish but had his name printed with the other graduates as having the thing completed. like because he was dead. yes, i get that it's hard to finish school when you're dead. meanwhile, i got no name in the program and had to sit in a hot expo center with a scoreboard above my head and horses outside. if you just said "what the fuck?" and yet laughed at my misfortune anyway, i salute you. life is a ridiculous thing, and apparently too difficult to get printed out in an accurate fashion. at least i was smart enough to bring a fan to the building we had to sit in on hard concrete that doubles as space for a basketball court. that's because i'm a college graduate.

if i send you a program as a souvenir, i promise to fill in my name with a crayon.

the real highlight of the day? we were on the way back home and spotted a ferris wheel on the side of the road next to a waffle house. no shit! it was some kind of redneck suburban hick town carnival day and the parking lot bewtween the waffle house and the dollar store must have seemed like an ideal place to sell five dollar cotton candy to families who have no concept of birth control. how awesome is that? it must have been my reward for attending such a boring function that, while they served greasy bbq beef and loads of fruit and cheeses at the reception, was mostly a snoozefest from hell. or in hell. my wrist is still sore from all that fan action.

derek whipped off the freeway and we promptly took a sickly sweet weekend afternoon ride on the ferris wheel together. it was nothing like the first time we rode a ferris wheel together, when a leather king was repeatedly snapping our photo while i squealed like a pig in our bucket, but that's another story. and yes, we did get some pictures of our feet while floating a gajillion feet in the air next to each other. after that, we met some friends for sweet corn tamales, fruity pico bites, and churros downtown. it was a happy afternoon in the end. mmmmm, squeeeeshy churros. nummy. funny how i seem to remember so many achievements by what foods i was eating at the time. this can only mean one thing. whenever i want something good to eat, i should get something done so i can celebrate.

still got shit to do:
i look a hot mess. made a hair appointment and i am really looking forward to getting my hair washed by another person. that's my favorite part.
sold the ikea sofa. aka the new sofa. (not the red couch!) the one from seattle that we bought just for visitors to have a place to sleep. feeling misty about that.
borrowed a book from a professor and now i have to drive it back out there to him. or i suppose i could just mail the damn thing away.
the show i'm in opens on friday - yay! the ones for the kids open the first weekend in june. it was nice to have one last day off from rehearsal for a while.
it's about time i took a vacation, isn't it?

23 April 2010

if i don't graduate, i might get a gun permit

of course, my brothers would be very happy if i finally decided to purchase a gun. on the other hand, it seems like stabbing people would be more gratifying anyway. in either case, a massive meltdown like no other would be on the schedule if i found out that i couldn't be finished in a few weeks. for crying out loud, i already paid all my fees and bought the stupid cap and gown!

whew! has it really been a week since posting? since beginning this new writing class, i've stuck to my goal nearly every single day. and even on those days when i flounder, i'm learning how to chill out and get over myself. i make up for it in other ways, like writing more the next time or getting a sketch in to speak for me. this week i'm keeping up with it quite well. five minutes of writing turns into ten or twenty for me, so it's been way easier than i thought it would be, not even counting the boring academic stuff i'm doing for school.

okay, so i'm letting the cool powerpoint i did count for something, but only because it's not a total snoozefest. the research papers? blech. how will i ever learn to be boring enough to please any kind of professor and convince them i'm not an idiot? cite this, school! most of them know me well enough to overlook my penchant for injecting humor into academics, so i think i'll do fine with everyone except my capstone coordinator. the two mentors i've been using are into the fact that i just wanna be finished, so they get the way i'm thinking. so long as i keep my audience in mind (it's aimed at the public, not at academia types) while composing, they think i'm great and can't wait to see it. i did a practice run in class this week and got some helpful feedback on my peer evaluations. the instructor? let's just say that the two of us communicate in completely different ways... like parallel lines, unable to get in touch, and who will never understand one another. can it be true that she's as lenient in grading as i've heard tell from other students? here's to crossing all fingers and toes in hopes of success.

my week is fun:
a whirlwind of rehearsing with six different directors! how's that for a transition from merely inspired to actually creative, eh? it's a marathon and i'm loving it.

15 April 2010

bon jovi took my parking space

since i've had very little sleep this week, this almost feels like drunken posting. see, i was supposed to be studying and finishing more schoolwork, and i spent the other night just staring and doing more editing until finally wandering off for a nap at about 6am. but that's another story. or maybe it's the really short and boring story i just told in one sentence. in any case, my meds are just now kicking in and i feel kinda woozy today overall. you lost yet? me too.

on tuesday we had tickets for rioult, but derek didn't feel like going so i took miss gwyn (who has some regal quality that makes me call her that, as opposed to simply saying gwyn) instead and we had a fabulous time. my nervy side has been inadvertently activated this week, so i asked the producer to give me a discount on next year's season tickets, or else i would think about just canceling the order and do the student walk-up fee. no idea what came over me there, because i really don't mind paying for tickets to see stuff when i can afford it. in the end he wanted to give me a reduced rate on the season tickets because i am a repeat customer. hey, what can i say? sometimes all you have to do is ask. i was thrilled and told others to buy the damn tickets so that he keeps on bringing cool stuff to town. you see, there is such a thing as positive word of mouth for business. i'm one of those people that will not only tell ten people when i get pissed off at a company, but also blab to high heaven when they do something awesome.

that was also the night of the bon jovi show here, so parking was definitely interesting. thank goodness the cops around here have better things to do on most evenings that hand out parking tickets downtown to those of us with tiny cars that fit into illegal spaces. if it inches forward just right and nobody else around me leaves their car in a jacked up fashion, the bug can get past just about anything and still leave a clear path to the fire hydrant. if there's a blaze and my car gets scratched... well then, i only got what i deserved for squeezing in there when it wasn't really supposed to be a parking space. that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

this morning someone called me "the person with ideas" while we were at coffee together. i think i like that description. it made me feel smart and creative after a long week of wondering if i was merely inspired but clueless.

we've gone through two auditions with the kids this week. just so you know, my little directors are very professional. they were all nervous as hell, but organized enough to overcome their jitters. the casting session was absolutely fucking hilarious! any time you hold mass auditions and have to split up so many actors between five directors, it's going to be complete chaos in the negotiation process. me and frank just wandered around trying to be the voice of reason for them when it got a bit heated. surprisingly enough, it only took about an hour to sort this person to that director, make calls to get a few more people in for extra roles, and get all the paperwork back into a pile. if my prediction is correct, every week is going to be some exciting chunk of this production. next we move on to scheduling and preliminary readings on each play. if you would have told me a few years ago that i could work this well with kids and still keep them on track, i may have laughed in your face. not so much because i didn't like them, but rather on an intimidation factor. they used to scare the crap outta me in groups. now it's beginning to get more comfortable. still not sure what that says about me, but listening to them is an easy way to keep up on the latest pop culture.

now that graduation is getting close enough to taste, there is some small hope that my professors are just sick enough of dealing with me and all my surliness that it's going to be easy to pass those last few credits. if they're super annoyed with all of my bitching, they'll wanna just get it over with, too. it's never quite clear if the things they call me - different, interesting, paradoxical, spunky - are a compliment or an insult. maybe they're those left-handed compliments. being left-handed, that term in itself is a sort of left-handed compliment. is that as hilarious as i think it is right now or do i just really need to get more sleep?

ironic thought of the week:
one of my neighbors owns an official indy pace car. and yet, i've never seen that car in motion. yes, these are the things i think about in the middle of the night.

12 April 2010

words i like today - chapter three

in an effort to keep up on my five minutes per day of mental exercise, i offer you yet another brief glimpse into the things i think about in the middle of the night. this list includes words that are fun to say, words that make me contemplate their meanings, and new words i either make up or learn along the way. as always, it will also have words that sound like what they really are, which is my favorite type of word in general.

  • stubborn - this makes me crinkle up my face when i say it, leading me to the belief that it's very emotionally charged in some sense.
  • cup - because that's what is holding my coffee
  • calculator - am i going on a hard sound hullabaloo this week? i've always liked words that force me to use the muscles in my face to say them. it makes me feel more engaged when i'm speaking out loud.
  • hagiography - a biography idealizing its subject. this is a new word i learned just yesterday and i'm still trying to "pronounciate" it right.
  • illuminating - more fun to say inside your head than with your face. maybe. let's all try it together, shall we? ill-looooooo-min-ayyyting. hmmm, i think the delight factor might depend on when i took my medication on that particular day.
  • wabaaaaaaam! - sound effects are always fun for me. being that i have a number of brothers, i grew up learning how to speak in sounds effects as a way of really getting my point across to someone. onomatopoeic speaking is even more useful that precise vocabulary sometimes. and yes, i did have to look up that word to make sure it was correct, so don't feel so dumb.
  • woof - also its accompanying noise, ruff. or any animal sound, really.
  • jello - can you think about jello without going right to the word wiggle? and then you gotta head over to jiggle to make it complete. and then you shake your booty in a great jello impersonation just for emphasis. again, it gets you engaged in what you're saying. wow, i seem to have a thing for talking in ways that get my whole body moving lately.

my perpetual need for puns is always lurking, so anytime i can work these into a conversation in some ridiculous way is an extra treat. whenever i can't, i simply hum the first part of elton john's "your song" with punny inserted for funny. it's a way to get my mind jumping without the whap whap whap noise taking over. send me your favorite puns and i promise to laugh until i snort.

more school updates:
today i have a computer clep test. this whole proficiency thing the state requires is a complete racket. anyone who tells you that education isn't a business just like any other industry is only fooling themselves. the learning part is fine... the finishing part is costly.

06 April 2010

random side notes - chapter twenty five

my desk is developing tiny mountains again. it's time to tame my paper demon and throw more stuff into the recycling before stuart copeland causes an avalanche. he likes to wedge himself into a corner and lay against the piles while he squirms around until they spread out into a big pillow for him. cats are messy people.

it would seem that most everyone i know that used to blog has abandoned that practice in favor of the more ubiquitous facebook. all is quiet on the blogging front, for the most part. (kris, i haven't forgotten about you.) i heard a story on the radio about how burger king offered people free burgers last year for participating in the "whopper sacrifice" on facebook. all you had to do was delete ten friends from your page and wha-bam! free food! you might be surprised how many free whoppers they gave away... or maybe you wouldn't. talk about making choices, huh?

my latest writing project involves something very simple. pull out chair, insert butt. i've been assigned to an easy five minutes a day of writing. easy? only when you don't think too hard about that five minutes. it's part of a new class i'm doing about creative journals. if people can get buddies to work out with them, then having a group to motivate you into writing a bit every day makes just as much sense. after already missing a day, i've decided that it is just like exercise and i'll make it up by adding on an extra five minutes today. seems as if i can catch up on my correspondence this way. alice and amy haven't heard from me lately, and bonnie is always on my mailing list. mostly i am trying to encourage the habit of just sitting down and making the effort to write something. so it might be crap, or it just might be a starting point. it's better than nothing but a blank space. my only aversion is to the whiny, because it's an easy wallow trap to fall into on the page.

derek just gave the "this is my gun, there are many like it" chant inserting the word cat wherever you normally say gun. he's currently cooing away with his little princess dizzy. she's much more cuddly than she used to be.

the cheese experiment has certainly gotten people's attention. chris was in town this past week for jason and alicia's wedding. when he heard about the whole process he asked me, "where is my sister and what have you done with her?" in case you've been wanting to ask, yes i do think it's a great activity for the kids. the mess is minimal, the skill level is easy, and the time commitment is short enough to keep their attention. he's going to use it with alex and her classmates as a way to teach them some more about nutrition and science. chris teaching a group of kids how to make mozzarella string cheese? i want a photo of that one.

noise is an important part of my creative endeavors. the clacking sound of the keyboard, the tapping of a bracelet against a hard surface, the sound of my feet on the floor as i pace - these are all parts of the process to me. when i'm taking notes while directing a show, i've heard more than one actor comment about how they heard my pencil scratching away in the dark. this is possibly why it's so difficult for me to concentrate in a library. the quiet of the room is almost disturbing, making me work very hard to focus on the hum of the lights or the shuffling of pages.

my dr. pepper binge was bizarre. i had a sip of this kind, a sip of that kind, and then put all the bottles back into the fridge for later. the one big glass of it i had at brunch on sunday was like a crazy caffeine potion. as predicted by shawn, my taste buds were confused and i've opted for more water and juice in the past few days even though i have a choice now.

thanks to my ipod, i've become a podcast junkie. no longer do i just hope to catch my favorite shows when they're playing live. no longer do i have to turn on the stereo at home or come up with an excuse to drive around aimlessly just to listen to the radio. i can't be hemmed in by scheduling! if i thought tivo was great, then i also heart my podcasts. everyone knows there's nothing good on the radio when you're actually listening to it anyway. it's like a timing law of nature. you either get the best driveway moments when you're in a real hurry or you worry about getting in a wreck from being so busy flipping the station away from the annoying crap that sends you into a road rage. now i have the holy trinity of my car, my ipod, and me.

i really like double stick tape.

my latest art acquisitions make me so happy! one was an impulse buy and i don't even care that i probably can't afford it. i've become enamored with the paintings of audrey eclectic and i can't stop staring at them. i even got one as a gift for the wedding. the odd thing is that they're so different from the normally ultra-pop stuff i like to buy. there's something vaguely victorian and yet still very modern about them. if you have a chance, go to her site and take a gander. oh, and she herself is a fun lady, so buying her pieces made me extra joyful. she was really excited when i gave her a couple of my line sketches. does no one give art to an artist? it really isn't as intimidating as i thought, and she seemed to enjoy the juxtaposition. sheesh, even holly has some of my work. she recently did a portrait of me in oil paints and it looks totally cool. now i just have to decide where to put it in the living room and get some more of my sketches to her in return. that resolution i made is beginning to pay off in my favor. i was so in need of making a transition from simply being inspired to making myself be more creative. i swear, there are so many people running around in my head that i really have to have some way to let them out of here. every time i hear that flat tire whap-whap-whapping in my head i know it's time to get something done.

auditions on my project are coming up this week! my little directors are ready and i myself am terribly excited. i'll let you know how it goes. they've been pretty professional overall so far, and this looks to be a great show. it's interesting to watch them begin to take charge of the project on their own. at our first production meeting they all looked like they were on spontaneous vomit alerts. now that they have some idea of where to go with the individual plays, they're starting to sound more confident about what they're doing. let's see what happens after they get a cast.

recent everyday triumphs:
getting out of bed
leaving the house
brushing my hair... sometimes