29 August 2006

tourist attractions

we're going to the ripley's odditorium tomorrow. derek figures we should do a few of the cheesier things before moving away. who could disagree with that? i've got rollercoasters planned for my future. that's big city life for you. it might not be the big blue whale, but it's something.

27 August 2006

party over here - whoop whoop

another drunken posting alert.

does that make two in two weekends? sheesh, i am totally ashamed of myself. i swear to you i must've had more to drink in the last six months than i've had in the last six years. now i've stumbled home from mae-maegan's house to watch a documentary on the police. meaning the band, not the organization. did i ever mention how much i love the police? (shut up, nick. yes i know you had to live through childhood with me.)

went to my very first los crapeles par-tay this evening, and it wasn't the worst thing ever. of course, i'm still leaving this fucking place in a few months. it was just nice to be able to socialize with/terrorize the masses for a change. we even dragged tara out to the valley to meet some new people over here. it was mostly full of fellow strugglers like us, which would be why it was kinda fun.

wow, i had a lot of vodka. a lot. not as much as the time i threw up on the lawn, but a lot nonetheless. but i'm not gonna throw up tonight, don't worry.

spin. spin.


like a good girl, i had some dinner earlier and i'm downing a ton of water now to avoid the most gruesome of consequences.

and i still love the police. wooooooohoo. the film is called "everyone stares," for those of you who choose to share in my adoration. i'm into documentaries and educational stuff lately. it's probably to keep my mind chugging along a little bit out here in the vapid suckifornia endless post-industrial wasteland sun.

wait wait wait just a second - did i seriously just see someone try to brush out the eyelashes of andy somers with a 99 cent store pocket comb?!?! what the fuck?! "i'll send an s.o.s. to the world....."

i love that damn song.

25 August 2006

my stupid shirt is better than your stupid shirt

ah yes, the ups and downs of life.

up: many home-related things happened at work this week, including selling the score to oklahoma and several copies of the outsiders. i also met two girls from tulsa, one a few years older than me who graduated from hale high school and one who refuses to change her license even after living here for nine years. damn, i should've checked to see if we knew any mutual people. hey, it could totally happen. the license put one at 11th and yale, and i lived right across the street from hale in another life.

down: this morning it was hotter here than in arizona. never mind that the thermometers in each place eventually changed places. derek got a thunderstorm there, with big thunder and lightning and the whole works. grrrr, i feel so cheated by living here. welcome to the hotel suckifornia.

up: derek talked to his boss today about going ahead with the move and boss man is all for it. our options at this point are being whittled down to portland and denver i think, so the coin flip should be happening soon. we're MOVING! EEE!!!

down: i suck at celebrity spotting. when heath ledger or mandy patinkin or jon voight are standing right next to you, i bet you would recognize them. wouldn't you? wouldn't you?!?!? damn. i didn't. sorry liz. whoops.

up: derek the wonder stimpy is back home after his trip to arizona. the trip where he ate "good home cooking" and got to be in a thunderstorm. we should probably kill him just for the sake of being fair, but i like having him around. and he's cuuuute.

down: the scales are tipping. since moving here i have actually gained weight. at first i lost some just because i hated all the food, but now the pounds have come back and seemingly brought their friends along for the ride. fatty gotta lay off the cookies for a few weeks. waahh waaahh waaahhh. boo hoo.

up: random driving led us past a store in burbank. it's the LORD OF THE RING jewelry store! i thought we were never going to stop laughing at that one. yes, it's goofy, but you take what you can get sometimes for laughs.

down: my "stupid american" shirt is too cool for los crapeles. when i put it on, it's the social equivalent of wearing a pipe bomb out of the house. the general public either asks me "but what does it mean?" or gets irate that i have it on at all. they don't get the meaning of words like irony very well around here. last week someone said to me, "well, i guess that's what i fought in the war for. hmph." he didn't seem any happier when i replied, "the first amendment? yes it is." one man yesterday even told me how he felt personally insulted by my shirt. i asked him if he found the constitution offensive and he said, "well yes, of course." i'm seriously hoping that he misunderstood the question... and that he's incapable of reproducing.

up: my "stupid american" shirt is too cool for los crapeles. with so many people getting offended by my shirt, i get to rub it in how fucking uptight and conservative this place really is and show off my biting humor at the same time. to be honest, i probably wouldn't even fight back in such a snotty way if these people didn't look so confused by the initial response of "it's just irony" that i give out. heh, they're probably just pissed that they have to go look up a new word in the dictionary. the next shirt i design will say "white people are boring" so that i can see if people will dare react to a racist shirt that's insulting the majority. wanna lay bets on the fact that the dumbasses around here will actually think it's funny?

(random thought - why didn't this odd shit happen to me in the bible belt? shouldn't they have burned me at the stake back home? am i in an alternate universe? when is allen funt finally going to come out of the woodwork and introduce me to the live studio audience?)

BONUS TIDBIT: my car got searched at the airport! in my world that can only be considered a good sign. if you don't believe me, just go back and read about our trip to tulsa in july. things have got to be looking up, kiddies. wheee.

22 August 2006

monkey love

a documentary you must watch-
romeo and juliet: a monkey's tale

although i'm not a shakespeare fan, it was just about the most adorable thing i've ever seen. derek was giggling because he thought it was cute that i got all misty watching the discovery channel. you'll understand when you see it, i promise. if not then you're one heartless fucking bastard. may the macaques shit on you and your kind out of their big shiny red hineys.

when it comes to shitting on people, i usually depend on the coming around going around and don't waste my time. this proved helpful yesterday when some bitch yakkity-yakking french into her phone during the entire drawn out transaction ultimately LOST her cellphone! snark snark snark. (i could have gone faster to get rid of her, but it was more fun to make her fucking wait that extra 15 minutes while i played the part of the lowly dumbass, an incognito twit.) the bad part? she literally flung her stuff at me over the counter and demanded i give her what she wanted. the good part? i understood part of her phone conversation. it wasn't that hard since she was mostly talking shit about her sister and planning a dinner with people. let's face it - i'm glad she lost the phone. that skeezy little "see you next tuesday" obviously needs a good slap in the calling plan. the best revenge is not having to wake up each morning and be her.

instead i'll just watch the monkeys. EEE!

19 August 2006

3,000 miles worth of phone calls

drunken posting alert... and i've been dialing across time zines, too. damnit! holly won't pick up the fucking phone! isn't it time to chat? we're sparing nick for tonight, but if someone doesn't pick up soon then he's fair game.

speaking of scooby doo, it was happy happy time on a conference call with major amounts of posse tonight. being one of the O.G.T.C. peeps has its benefits. we were out with tara in search of food when mary called, so derek figured out how to work my 3-way buttons (doesn't that sound saucy?) and we hooked up with the long-awaited theatre club reading... interrupting just before they finished the play. our timing is impeccable, baby, and we know how to make an entrance for sure. or, as they might say out here in the valley: like, fer shurr. i know, riiiiieeeght? OGTC RUUUUULLZZ!

ahem. 'scuse that.

tara made me finish that bottle of wine. i didn't wanna do it, but she peer pressured me into it. i'm a little angel otherwise. p.s. - do i have any more wine around this house? woohoo.

sigh, allison got kicked off project runway; vincent and laura are still there. ack-o-rama. simply had to interject that since i just sneaked a look at one of the online PR threads. and ZAFTIG?!?! what the fuck?! if you know, then you get it. if not, then forget i said anything.

it occurs to me that i could be very sad and homesick right now. all this conference calling and hanging out is just the sort of thing that might throw one into a tailspin of "WHY?!" and lead to yet another bottle of wine. the funny thing is, i feel oddly energized by it. happy to see other people going on with their lives but also remembering that we're still floating around in different parts of the country. not that i thought anyone would have a movie-style breakdown when we left, but... i dunno. it's just nice to see things move forward and still stick, that we're still in there and haven't just been cast off to disappear completely. like a big katamari ball, right? shit. i have no idea what i'm saying right now. i'm just glad scott and craig had an excuse to be more sociable.

::: hiccup :::
better get in some water before i lay down.

14 August 2006

random side notes - chapter five

spent literally HOURS on the phone today. my ears feel funky now and my cell battery is feeling bitch-slapped. i blame mary, veronica, tara, and scott. tankoo tankoo tankoo, my posse. human contact, even via the airwaves, rules. ahwuvoo.

i'm too addicted to project runway. my eyes have been opened to all new extra material that's lurking on the bravo website in the form of video footage. i'm one sick puppy. this reality television phase i'm going through is actually kind of embarrassing. i won't even tell you about hell's kitchen or 30 days. does 30 days even really count? on the intellectual flip side of things, i finished two books this week. before we know it i'm going to be overstimulated on all fronts and blow a fuse. remember those days? i was so happy about life back then.

derek's internet poll is having some interesting results. feel free to put in your two cents. we're gathering more information all the time - let you know later how the coin flip is going.

being that i'm a woman, this might be difficult to believe: i have never seen an episode of the oprah winfrey show before this weekend. now i understand what i've been making fun of all these years, and it's obvious that show was not done justice by my previous judgments. looney looney looney. what a fucking fruitcake. is this chick for real or what?!? just because you're powerful and rich it doesn't give you the right to be a total fucking dipshit... or does it? most rich people in this world would probably disagree with me on that, i suppose. they make it painfully clear to me down here in peasant hell that money and power do buy the right to idiocy both in these here parts and around the globe. oprah is a peepeehead and she deserves to have tom cruise freak out on her sofa. ta daaahhhh!!!

we went to a fucking fancy ass restaurant this week! it was part of a secret shopper thing, so we got the whole meal (price before our voucher = $165 or so) for about 40 buckaroonis. LAMB SHANK! the restaurant was part of a group of nouveau swanky bistros operating in the city, so we finally got some decent service as well. LAMB SHANK! for the evaluation we had to get the whole range on the menu, from drinks to dessert and everything in between. let's hope these people call on us again. p.s. - we did give them a faboo review on both service and food. they earned it.

speaking of television, because i was before i got sidetracked by LAMB SHANK! - ours died this week and we sprung for a spiffy new lcd flat one. it's pretty neat and he found a terrific deal by using a site called fat wallet. this way i can still have plenty left over to put into our moving fund.

made plans with tara. i'm totally excited that we'll be getting together later this week. will it be strange to see a pal from home under these settings? she moved here last september and we've been meaning to get back in touch since derek first came out here. to tell the truth, i think it might be nice to see her here. she was another person who, by her own account, needed a big change in her life to get her butt moving. regardless of how i feel about this place, i needed a change. omigod, she's never seen me with my hair this long before! eee!!!

mae-maegan's been working on a new movie and having a blast. she's getting paid for it and everything. yes, my one friend that i've met out here is actually "an industry person" in an odd twist of fate. but really, i swear she's human. she's even on the other side of the camera to boot.

my eyelids have been rubbed raw this week from itchy eyes. i've finally resorted to blotting them with some olive oil before they deteriorate. right now my eyelids and the area right below them are akin to a sore nose you might get from having a cold and the tissue taking off all your skin. achoo. or like the feeling you get when the tops of your ears get too much sun. think i'll put a cool cloth on them and lie down for a week or so.

shoppers in suckifornia are SO unhappy. and cheap. and rude. maybe they're just in need of a good LAMB SHANK!

did derek really spot johnny depp at the grocery store? that's our story and we're sticking to it. corroborating evidence would point to it being true, and he was even wearing a fedora. errr... johnny depp, i mean. derek isn't a big hat person most of the time.

my john hughes shirt lives! there are many holes and i had to finally cut off the sleeves, but it's better than ever. this shirt has the magical powers of your oldest and most favored underpants. not yours, but mine. not that you wear my underpants. or as zoe might say, pantsies.

i've got antsies in my pantsies. maybe it's the olive oil dripping into my brain through a tear duct or something. it's really time for that cold cloth.


10 August 2006

stimpy needs wuv

this is totally shameless plug to click on derek's blog.

well, it might not be shameless for him once he sees this. in fact, it might end up being painful for me if he chucks pennies at my head for embarrassing him on the internet yet again. oh wait, I'M the one who flings handfuls of change. whew - i'm safe! so anyhooosey, go and click on his poll so that he feels all masculine and popular and shit like that.

my posse loves me. ::: snark snark snark :::

09 August 2006

twitchy mcbitchy the super ball

exhausted. fucking exhausted. that's all i can tell you. my split personality jungle gym and roller coaster of moods is making me batty. judging by the way my head feels when i wake up each day there has been some literal teeth grinding going on during the sleep hours. my mind is like is making that flat tire along the side of the freeway whapping noise again and oh how sucky that is. someone take the exit ramp! take the exit ramp, for fuck's sake!

this is, of course, all to say that i'm actually enjoying being a complete peasant when i go to work. it's so rote and routine that i can just STOP THINKING for a while. there is something so very zen about what people call menial jobs.

that's what i was considering earlier when i told derek that i feel like i have a little bit of a routine going this week. not a routine in a bad way; it's more like a way of gaining some momentum. this could be part of the reason why derek's adapted to this hellhole way better than i have. my days are all like the bounce of a square-shaped rubber ball, and i'm bobbing wildly to try and keep up. mary has officially declared that i might need to lay off of the coffee a bit, and she's probably even right on this one. :::twitch:::

for the past few months it's been extremely difficult to feel much comfort in adjusting, and it could be due to complete lack of momentum. (changing jobs all the time, no real activities, lack of friends, etc.) as much as i can't stand the feeling of being in a rut, i also crave some structure to my life so that i can get "in my groove" to get things done, to be motivated. if i can pull my head out of my butthole for a designated time here and there, it feels as if i can conquer some of those bigger problems with ease. okay, so maybe not with ease, but maybe with great possibility.

i need possibilities. how about you?

03 August 2006

week one drones on

i'm still employed. i've been employed all week, with no signs of being fired readily available to me. i could be wrong on this one, of course, as it's become apparent to me that being a trusting person out here is somewhat of a personal downfall. however, i am not one of them and thus choose to maintain my optimistic outlook. perhaps it will take me a whole month (or even two ro three!) to leave this job.

one of the reasons that i'm so constantly disappointed is i truly am an optimist. this might come as a mild shock to those of you who know my surly and gruff demeanor. it's a ruse, i tell you; i'm just as hopeful as the next person that things will all work out and everything happens for a reason. schmaltzy as it sounds, i tend to look forward to what the future might bring. after all, there's no telling what kind of new disaster in store for me each day, right?

which leads me to my tendency to not leave the house as of late. cabin fever be damned! i could stay holed up for days before i felt the need to interact. the main reason i've developed for going out is to get more groceries to drag home with me and make interesting kitchen experiments with while i think to myself about how i really should get out more and make a go of it while i'm here and so i'll try to explore things more tomorrow because it's not fair that decent people like me should be bullied into hiding out in the house all the time just because those other types annoy us into it and i swear i'll go out some more soon... and go to work.

this is why it's good for me to avoid getting fired for the time being. without somewhere to go on those certain days of the week i would just hang out here with my belly button and my sock collection, mooning over when i used to have a life. being employed means never having to say hello to the lint rolling around in your house. it means having a reason to put on those really hip socks and show them off. having a job is reason enough to infect the rest of the world with my questionable frantic and cynical joie de vivre.

fuck. i'm glad i have the day off today.