29 December 2010

what i did with my summer vac-- oh wait, it's winter? never mind.

some days it becomes apparent that my life should read like a series of incredibly fabulous tabloid headlines and the like. but then, i also think that everyone should take some time to convert their own life into a media circus o' cultural sensation. i can't be the only one who is down with this sort of silly behavior.

i mean, really - doesn't this sound exciting? you need the media frenzy of your own pimped out press standards, i bet. or maybe that's just me. nahhhhh - if this were your life, you might pop out of bed every morning so that you could extra!extra!read all about it! with your morning coffee:

contortionist sits in seat next to huge people. amazing!

sunday, SUNday, SUNDAY!!! blizzard strikes house filled with people who have nowhere to go anyway. no one reacts except for person who actually had to be somewhere.

people sit and stare, hypnotized by wine and shiny things. where will this strange phenomenon strike next? where will YOU be when it happens?

girl goes into snow with no shoes - declared nutball by standards of people who are damn cold... i mean freezing, damnit.

how many calories can one household ingest? film at eleven.

studies show that new england drivers can't drive worth a shit. and furthermore, they like to open the car door and step out with traffic coming. wtf?

psychic states obvious... duh.

twitter abuse runs rampant! see the photos on twitter!!!

are YOU cultured? find out with this handy quiz...

bipolar man with beagles speaks warmly to out of town visitors, then goes batshit crazy on stupid lady who hits his car while parking. visitors support protest.

dogs and cats found to increase life of those who love them.

mailbox vandalizes mail. oh, the humanity!

slide on ice results in near busted-ass fall for local girl. we'll give you all the details, AND tell you how she managed to avoid certain doom, later on tonight.

giant macaroni and cheese set to take over eastern seaboard.

see there, you know you wanna take your week and turn it into a trashy magazine made for the inane entertainment of others. after all, inquiring minds want to know. wow, did i just show my age there or what? damn, i think i need some magazines now. one more stop at the airport should do me up fine for now.

accessory lesson of the day:
uh, don't listen to me. listen to coco chanel.

26 December 2010

it's all scenic and shit like that

so the visit with my new england peeps is totally awesome. not that we've done all that much besides eating so far - because there is a fucking blizzard outside - but it's all picturesque and cute as a button here. after my drive in from the aiport on, like, three hours of sleep it seemed like that may have been some sort of hallucination, but it was really true. we took a cruise around the 'hoods today after brunch and it's so quaint i wanna throw up in my own mouth. which is good, i swear. this place looks vuurrry vuurrry purritttty tah-naaaight. (if you are catching this reference, then i love you... veronica. and mary. and rhiannon. and whomever else knows about that certain obsession.)

this is my first blizzard type thingy. tonight was also the first time i've had a hand in making fresh pasta for dinner - pun intended. did anyone die yet? all people and animals in the house are accounted for... as far as i know.

my, but i am heavy on the punctuation this evening, aren't i? have you ever noticed how much of it you're using and tried to restructure your sentences to have less, just because it seemed odd? see there, you're not alone... megan. and linsey. and mary again. and whomever else is as weird as my peeps.

but i digress once again, per my usual status. they're trying to convince me that i truly can maneuver in the kitchen by making me stir stuff and roll out pasta and take plates to the table. ya gotta love women that can try to believe in the girl who makes a literally lethal piece of chicken. got anyone you want taken out? invite them to my house for chicken and they'll be mere memory by the next day. then somehow this household wants me to cook, but has yet to ask me to make the coffee! i mean, really, have you met me?!? how bizarre it is that i finally had to take the task upon myself and just beeline for the pot while no one was around. talk about trying to be gracious hosts, huh? "lamb shanks and fancy crap? sure, you can do that! coffee? i know how much you love it, so let me do that for you." gotta love the humor in that irony. things that make you say quoi are the best.

so, we have the food festivals, the blizzard, the coffee... what else? oh yes, the video conferences that the pets can't help but have at least once per day. mr. bubbas is starting to hog the camera from derek. each time i see him, stuart copeland looks rightly pissed at me for leaving him with what he might view as tweedledee and tweedledum. damn, they'd better be bonding in that house. i was hoping for something more along the lines of the three amigos. perhaps by the time i get back they'll all be glued together on the sofa in a cuddly ball of fuzz. but that's only if derek grows a lot more hair, i think.

"what the fuck?" moment:
i am all kinds of ashy here. last time i checked, i am at some lowly sea level and it's snowing holy buckets outside. can i get some of that moisture, please?

23 December 2010

random side notes - chapter twenty eight

would it be wrong of me to go to the store in the middle of the night simply for deodorant, magazines, and chick-o-sticks? it's a case that makes one question, "why did she really come here?" shopping under cover of darkness is the best. let's hope the drugstore isn't a last resort for people who procrastinate during the holidays, because i just need the aforementioned essentials.

as far as the rest of the week, life makes me indecisive as to where i should begin. mary's package for someone else finally arrived. i may have gotten someone a piece of furniture they truly need. moleskins were so cheap that we had to clear the bookstore out in a frenzy. there was some sort of news about a stabbing today. someone made cookies for derek, via my friendship with them. checking in for my flight was easy, but finding the rest of the paperwork i need isn't going well. i remembered to take my pill in a timely manner every single day. karen gave me a new bag filled with handmade and sanrio goodies. my thumbs feel funky.

next week i might start thinking about resolutions. once again, i'll be saving the really hard shit for lent so that there'll be a light in the tunnel. thank you, but i prefer to have my resolutions be something i can actually achieve without wigging out and having that (extra) cookie. there is only so much food i can ingest to make my inappropriate guilt go away without feeling all bloaty and stuff.

duuuuude, i am filling up this computer with bullshit already. what the...?!?! my startup disk must be on some kind of diet. there is no way i've accumulated this much useless data in this short of a time. does anyone else know what's on your computers?

it really sucks when you burp and it tastes like throwup. burps should give you a pleasant memory of meals gone by, not torture you with yucky and force you to make weird faces. that is so unfair, like even worse than when you burp after drinking soda and it goes up and burns the inside of your nostrils. ouch, those totally sting.

what to pack. what to pack. does anyone else make a checklist for vacations?

fattie mcpudge needs to lose a little weight up in here. not that much, but enough to get back that "eating pants" feeling in a few of her clothes. scales lie. photographs lie. even your friends might accidentally lie when their allergies don't let them see straight. pants don't lie. new pants are brutally honest and like to remind your wallet that you need to put down that (extra) cookie or else that night spent with jacked-up static hair while sweating under mean florescent lighting in the fitting room was all a big waste. it should only take a few months to gain that smidge o' pizza give back in the belt again.

sometimes i wonder what derek does in the house while i'm gone. my gut tells me he either slinks around like a sloth or does things i don't wanna know about later. in either case, he deserves to have some babble-free time to relax and study and bond with the cats. my company is entertaining, surely, but not without its hardships.

for all those times i've bragged about never having to do the laundry in my house, let me tell you this - i just officially helped fold all bazillion tons of clothes. i am a helper, damnit.

please tell me you relate:
my elbows are ashy
popcorn makes me kinda gassy
i heart people's scars
toenails suck

18 December 2010

there may be such a thing as a bad moon rising

so i know that the technical night for the full moon isn't tonight, but it sure does feel like it if one were to judge by the squirrely crap that has been all around me this weekend. there seems to be a bitch vibe in the air. no one is immune - not even me. then agian, how could i tell if i were under the spell of a bitch vibe?

did you ever think you could gain any kind of street cred with adolescent prostitutes? did you ever think you would be helping to search for one lost shoe during a movie? did you ever think you would begin to understand words in spanish even though you don't really know any spanish? did you ever think you might be excited just to hear a person speak to you for the first time when you've known them for months? me neither. it's a thrill ride.

and by the way, what the fuck is pan's labyrinth about anyway? i'm sorry but i just cannot force my self to get into that movie. it's supposed to be this great thing and i'm supposed to be mesmerized. maybe i'm just a dumb bastard. whatever.

but i digress. perhaps. it's hard to digress when one doesn't even have a point to a rant in the first place. or it's easy to digress in that case, because a rant is essentially a progression of rambling blurbology and foam at the mouth which may or may not have much sense to it in any detectable way. sounds perfect for me. i feel totally blurby and foamy today. it must be that moon coming at me again. oh, and i forgot to take my medication at my normal time, so the twitch has taken hold of me just a bit. still don't get that fucking movie, though.

is coffee really a good idea at a time like this?

it's possible that the reason i'm cranky is because my old lady parts (hey you, get your mind out of the gutter) are serving as weather detectors by aching today. exercise would prolly be a great idea in this case, but i'm paradoxically unable to move very much because i'm too busy whining about how i need to loosen up first. so be it. maybe the cats will treat me like a freeway and accidentally give me a back rub by stomping on me on their way to the food bowl. i should get a jump on that; perhaps a nap on the kitchen floor. the tiles are nice and cool. the floor does need to be vacuumed and it would give me a good reason to clean the house.

my evenings as of late are mostly relaxing, though. i've gotten out into the world again. you don't even want to know my final analysis on how many rehearsals i've had in the past... oh, two years. let's just say it merits a heavily-stamped passport to crazytown and leave it at that. now i'm taking some time to see people and stuff and things before i take on another project. all those recommendations to relax have been heeded. i think you all for your concern. and yet, i still manage to fill more time than i should, but at least it's in a variety of ways for now. i'm even getting a chance to explore more of my artistic skills. fun fun fun!

the other new discovery for me is that my house can be a cool place to hang out and do some chillaxin' after a hard day. who knew that when you actually see your house once in a while you can really come to love it? be proud of me, my friends, for i have learned the joys of pj's and a night of boring once again.

new projects on the horizon:
i'm not telling you yet. you'd only be disappointed in me for making so many damn plans! i can pretend to do nothing for a while longer.

12 December 2010

out of town blogging

jeezy chreezy, remember that scene in european vacation where they were all supposed to have so much fun that they whistled zip-a-dee-doo-dah out of their assholes? well, clark w. griswold would be very proud of me today. mary and tim and myself have spent the last two days wearing ourselves out with some f-u-n, baby.

she even had to make a list of the fun, just to document it. i'm sure she'll facebook the whole thing and publish a buttload of photos. we sure have taken enough of them to make a few memories. i think i'm in love with my shitty camera on the ipod - it might be grainy and fuzz things up like an old school homemade 110 camera that you constructed out of tape and stuff, but it's a totally fun application of technology. me likee!

poor north carolina. that phelps guy who thinks "god hates fags" and pokes his nose into other people's funerals felt the need to come by the city this weekend with his cohorts. the city decided to respond by adding extra police to the whole area, and even sending out security to drag queen bingo. pffft, like they could even begin to take on people who wander around in three or four inch heels. whatevs, my peeps. someday, if i'm an important person who needs a bodyguard, i might just hire someone in drag to do that for me.

oh, and i am of the opinion that when you're on any sort of vacation, be it two days or two years, you're entitled to eat like there's no tomorrow! man, that burger was so leaky that it took two extra napkins to dry off my hands, which still smelled like yummy yummy meat-soaked hamburger buns all the way back to the house. talk about your satisfied customers.

today we're off to eat african food and then shuffle me to the airport. when i get home i'll spread out the spoils of my trip. new artwork (sorry, derek!) to hang, a zagnut bar (which will prolly be gone before i even hit the second airplane) to tide me over, hello kitty stuff out the wazoo, programs from a performance of "oh, the humanity", and my faboo wonky cat from the happiest recycling store ever. the scrap exchange alone would've been worth the trip!

but the puppet show with someone wearing a house on her head sure didn't hurt. i mean, stuff like brief and wonderful abstract puppet shows can make anyone smile.

something i like:
chatting with tim on the soggy porch