29 April 2006

having a little fun

we've been scouting out a few touristy things this week. the beach, some studios, ritzy parts of the city, and so forth. i find that i'm fairly unimpressed with most of it. there sure is a lot of scuzz-o-rama out there. did i think it would be bigger or more fancy? maybe my subconscious knows that i live here now, even if i'm still in denial on a conscious level, which would explain my sort of whatever attitude on most things. we do like to (and i say "we" here because i've caused derek to get into this habit now) drive past the hollywood bowl and let out a howl each time. HO'Y-WOOD BOOOOOOOOOWWLLLLL!!! yes it's dumb, but mysteriously entertaining, and fast becoming a tradition in the car. the most far out thing i've seen this week is a bum in the park when we were driving through beverly hills. a bum in beverly hills! dogs in dresses, i tell you!

i've also noticed that, in spite of the fact that this place is really big (like i mean it's fucking huge. it's a land mass of its own here) it's on a loop. every few miles you'll run across the same types of things - vet's office, office supplies, car dealerships, department stores, etc. until you run into it all over again. only the names of the restaurants seem to change. it's sort of like playing an album on repeat until you can't take it anymore. some days you love the songs and hear a new nuance each time it plays, but other days you just want to throw the cd player across the room and watch it smash into tiny pieces. thus my relationship with this new place goes so far. back and forth, teeter and totter. i was always the fat kid on the see-saw. does that mean anything in this instance?

speaking of donuts, derek says it's time to get out into the world. we're going to check out a nearby street festival to see if there are any funnel cakes or turkey legs about. i hope they aren't tofu legs out here. we saw a slide that looks like a fifty foot tall spiral staircase that i'd like to try and we can get our faces painted. i think it's saint someone-or-another church that's putting the whole hoo-ha on. sounds catholic to me. i bet there's liquor involved.

28 April 2006

things i'm learning about myself today

thanks to the good graces of the internet, i'll never need a shrink again. with all of these new fangled tests that one can self-interpret all to hell, it's like having a fortune cookie in your pocket all the time. or a freaky horoscope. or maybe just an old copy of the DSM. i can wake up each day and figure out what the fuck is wrong with me without ever leaving the house. ah yes, a whole new light is being shed upon me as we speak. today's diagnosis:

You Are Scary

You even scare scary people sometimes!

see - i TOLD YOU!

Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

"Back in black, I hit the sack,
I've been too long, I'm glad to be back"

Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos.
But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

and i even have a theme song to prove it.

Your 1920's Name is:

Ophelia Pinkie

i love it. i've never been named after a finger before.

Your Quirk Factor: 62%

You're so quirky, it's hard for you to tell the difference between quirky and normal.
No doubt about it, there's little about you that's "normal" or "average."

all this time i thought i was pretty boring. hmmm...

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Jittery Viking.

Where You Lived: Argentina.

How You Died: Decapitation.

this explains a lot about my current job prospects.

You Are a Caramel Crunch Donut

You're a complex creature, and you're guilty of complicating things for fun.
You've been known to sit around pondering the meaning of life...
Or at times, pondering the meaning of your doughnut.
To frost or not to frost? To fill or not to fill? These are your eternal questions.

perhaps i should just be a donut philosopher for a living. i could certainly handle the donut part of the equation, and i'm pretty good at bullshit. i think i've found my calling! it must be the scary quirkiness. is that the crunchy part?

26 April 2006

we need tacky postcards

the outgoing mail has been neglected as of late. i keep on planning to sit down with stamps and such but inspiration hasn't hit me just yet. to cure this, we're going to find some more touristy spots today. it's all practice for when the posse comes to visit and the showing around begins. we've already been to hollywood boulevard and craned our necks at the hollywood bowl. we've driven past the studios a few times and stopped into the samuel french store down the street. i think today we'll hit the beach and look for big fat weirdos and cheap pizza. holy shit, i haven't been to venice beach since i got my nose pierced as a teenager! i wonder if it smells any different.

i'm trying to have a fresh outlook on this place. most of my memories of southern california are terrible, with the exception of a drunken sanrio and tijuana weekend with kris. hello kitty mixes with vodka so well, don't ya know. it should be possible, in a logical sense, to have a good time here without being shitfaced, so i'm going to give it a whirl. oh shut up - this is as optimistic as i get for now. i have actually spoken to at least two human beings who were not giving me change at the time. i'm working on it.

perhaps my winning personality (i.e. abrasive bluntness, sardonic wit, snarly demeanor, charmingly deceptive cuteness) will be enough to weed out the total losers. i know i can be tough on people, maybe even darwinian. piss off! i know it, okay? i admitted it! that's only because my peeps are the best little freaks i know. it's a compliment, see? only the strong survive.

i'm such a pisser, but my cats love me.
(she ate from the bowl!!!)

dizzy rocks

she ate from the bowl! she ate from the bowl! she drank some water, and then when bubba started to move in on her territory she whapped him in the face. then she tore it up on the water bowl and ate some regular food all by herself. yay! later on this evening we took her back to the bowl and she ate again!

the force feeding continues as a supplement just in case, but she's getting back to her normal self bit by bit. she even rubbed against derek's lag and had a sniffing festival in the living room. meow meow meow.

25 April 2006

crappity crap

we got a second opinion on dizzy. derek sent her test results to our real vet and we got the skinny on what to do. it involves more force feeding and a watchful eye, but i think she's going to be okay. she's still a bit weak and her pallor is not the best, but she's started to come out from underneath the bed more often. i'm just glad we're only having to deal with one cat on this. stuart and bubba are thankfully pigging out and crapping like there's no tomorrow. never thought we'd be so glad to empty the litterbox this much.

i'm not so bummed out today. yes, sunday was shitty and i did eat cheese cheese cheese. the old standbys are the best in the end. cheese on a stick, cheese and avocados, turkey and cheese sammich. yum. there were also lemon cookies and french fries and i forget what else involved, so you'll be happy to know that i didn't just stick with the diet soda. willpower is for pussies.

no, i haven't technically started to look for a job yet. does this make me a horrible slacker? hell with it. i'm still "cleaning the house" and putting things on order. that's what we call hiding out in my house these days. there is good news. my neighbors seem to be actual people. they're even polite and helpful. my faith in humanity becomes rekindled, see? i swear i'll make an effort and get out there very soon. derek can only handle the pleasure of my company for so long.

congrats to tim and mary on the house! it looks like they're real grownups now. there is even a lawnmower thrown in on the deal. we're still just playing. in a way it worries me, but in a way i don't mind. oh, gentle waffle of pensive moments... lend me salvation from this wishy washy state. i cannot grow up and yet cannot care that i won't. just picture a waffle on the top of a fence. that is me. let's make it a picket fence, so it's cuter that way.

23 April 2006

morally bankrupt

dizzy had to go to the vet yesterday because she hasn't been eating anything this week, and we've had to resort to force feeding her. the poor little thing was so stressed out from the move that she's mostly been hiding under the bed. she's come out to watch the toilet flush and stare out the front door on occasion, but now that we've gotten some food into her she's actually started to be much more sociable. not that feeding time is a barrel of laughs, ha ha. we've got the test results back that confirm what we had originally thought about her condition and derek is going to fax them to our vet at home for a second opinion.

we were less than pleased with our experiences at the office here. to say the least, the vet here SUCKS ASS. well, okay, the doctor was (if somewhat aloof) fine, but the staff is heinous and i hate them. they kept trying to push all these tests (cha-ching) and other treatments (cha-ching) that would've put us in the poor house. after turning into mary and researching them online, i was reading some reviews of their office and saw that this isn't the first time they've tried to cash in on a pet's illness. if i find the person whose idea it is to "recommend" all this extra shit i'm going to kick them in the fucking starfish so hard that you can see my shoe in their mouth. on top of them trying to pull a fast one on our wallet, the wait was interminable. we made an appointment. we showed up early. we left TWO HOURS LATER! they shuffled us between no less than five people. each one told the next one virtually nothing about our case. seriously, the doctor asked "if there had been a recent trauma in her life" and hadn't even been told that we had just moved cross country! towards the end i had to step outside so i could curse and smoke because i was so pissed about the entire incident.

guess what? they want us to bring her back there next weekend for another office visit and MORE TESTS! fuck them. fuuuuu-hhuuu-huuuu-hhhuu-huuuuuck them. let's see what our real vet says about our baby. i've also got calls in to the emergency room and the local spca in search of their recommends on a good doctor.

my opinion on the people of this place was already in the crapper before i even got here. thanks to people like that shitty veterinary staff and the guy we got/stole/appropriated/liberated this apartment from, it continues to sour. speaking of him, it turns out he's kind of a spiky bastard in general. the mailman hates him. the neighbors raise an eyebrow when speaking his name. he can't keep a good relationship with his girlfriend. he tries to fuck people over on signed contracts at his own whim. our new landlord was getting ready to pitch him. he parks his range rover (it's all starting to make sense now) like a fuckwit. did anyone like him? i mean anyone besides himself. i would have to agree with tim on this one. he can't be british... just a snotty racist black man from south africa who thinks he's entitles to whatever he wants. i can only assume that's he's here because whatever country he really does come from threw him out.

am i judgmental? yes i am. it's better than being morally bankrupt. i'm also pissed like a chick on the rag and frustrated with the idea that this is now the pool of people i have to choose from when making new friends. ack. maybe i can avoid the bottom of the barrel and start scraping from the sides. the OUTsides.

piss on all this. i'm gonna watch some bad vh1 and drink diet dr. pepper until i pee on myself. i've already seen the race and finished all my cookies. maybe later we'll go out for shitty burgers and fries. by the end of it all this day is going to be a stress eating bonanza. oh wait - does diet soda count as binging?

21 April 2006

random side notes - chapter one

so derek says that north hollywood is technically part of the san fernando valley. does this make me a valley girl? like totally, fer shurrr, wow. gag me with a spoon. sorry about that. i just couldn't resist, and you know you couldn't either. i heard you reading that part aloud, you know. we even got a "valley edition" of the los angeles times yesterday. far out, dude.

my skin has almost stopped itching, my eyes are burning less, and my hair is flat flat flat. there is nearly no humidity here to counteract whatever else is floating around in the air. for those of you on bleed watch from the stories you heard me tell about my past experiences in this state, i have yet to get a nosebleed from the smog. whoopee, i think i can go through life now without wondering about when i'll be spontaneously looking like i'm in a brawl. i have noticed a distinct smell that looms around here, but it's hard to tell if it's pollution or just the mishmash of different clubs and restaurants in the areas we go through each day.

people complain about places like oklahoma because they say that everyone there looks the same. this is a subject i've been discussing with jenny and rhiannon over the past few days. the problem with that complaint in my eyes is that everyone here looks pretty much the same to me, too. it's just a different kind of same. perhaps what one might call a different shade of same. rhiannon says there are only about four variations on the same anyway, and from our conversation we've defined them as north/south/east/west. think about it. truly, we're onto something here.

rhiannon hasn't adjusted to our move quite yet, which makes me feel loved. she and ed were going to the brook for cheese fries and nachos this week. they did the same thing i would've done and thought about calling us to join them. ugh, reality sets in during those moments. it's like the day we got here and i was going to call rebecca to come and take away the extra barstools to use in her new place/my old place. well, of course! as if she could just whip across town and get them. i also noticed that when derek was talking to dr. tony about the scooter, he said to "come on over" and take a look at it. (come on over to someone else's garage in tulsa, to be exact) the phrase "down the street" holds a new meaning for me right now. i have no idea what is down the street here, not in that old familiar sense. to me, nothing is down the street anymore except i don't know what just yet. oh wait, i did manage to find some hash browns in a ten minute radius.

the highlight of the week was staying in bed all morning today. not out of depression, but out of the need for recovery. we were unloading the last of the storage stuff yesterday and i completely blew out my knee on a metal pin that thought it was a can opener for my patella. then i hobbled myself further with a poke to the ankle by that same piece if furniture. fucking desk from hell. we'd better sell it fast or i'm burning it. i will know vengeance for once!

monday will begin the humiliation of job hunting. derek doesn't care if i wait a while longer, but i'm afraid of getting bored and going on a spree at target. besides, it always takes some time to find what you're looking for in a job. let's all cross fingers and hope i don't tell anyone to fuck off at my interviews. don't put it past me. i have such a sparing amount of patience for those remedial questions. where do i see myself in five years? breathing in and out, eating F-U-D, emptying the litterbox. is that specific enough for you?!? i love having a job - it's the looking for that irritates me. grrr.

shit, i really like to complain, don't i?

19 April 2006

it's looming

i had some time to myself today. that was fine, but it made me pensive. then anxious. then disappointed. things are fine here except for one thing - i'm not looking forward to sunday. it was the day with my posse. i hope they call each other and go for coffee together. maybe i'll find somewhere here to do the same thing. i'll just call them from here to see if they've met up to be goofy. conference calling coffee time!

yuck. moments of weakness suck.

18 April 2006


27 hours in a penske moving truck with derek and three cats, while hauling a car trailer. there is a new respect in my life for truck drivers. i'm still seeing the little white and yellow lines of the road in my vision. i started to become convinced that by travelling on easter sunday we would spot jesus in the desert hanging out at a remote truck stop and drinking mountain dew, maybe having a cone at the dairy queen or something cool like that. alas, only one stop had the ambience that would have provided the resurrection, and it was more deliverance country than holy land. (insert banjo music here) derek spotted the easter bunny running across i-40 and we saw tumbleweeds that don't involve cat hair.

while most of the trip was blissfully uneventful, we did have on near death experience near barstow and a lot of meowing. okay, so the cats did do better than expected. they wore themselves out from crying and wiggling around oklahoma city, only to wake up here and there each time we stopped for gas. somewhere in new mexico we got them all out in a rest stop ladies room to see if they would use the litterbox, but the only one interested was stuart, and he only wanted to roll around in it. dizzy had an accident - the poor thing had to get a bath her first night here - and got her sheets changed in arizona, and bubba mostly spent time flinging himself against the side of his carrier. he has, since getting to the new house, eaten approximately his own body weight in science diet. the other two are just happy to get any food by the time he's done gnawing away.

they are all gassy. very gassy.

our limp little bodies are still recovering as well. we got all the stuff into the house yesterday and i did a good deal of unpacking last night. it almost looks like people live here! i should get organized by the end of the week. we're off to find some storage for derek's office stuff later today, so it's more hauling tomorrow. i'm gonna be so damn strong this month from lifting all this stuff. it means i can have as many cookies as i want, right? as a side note, it's always helpful to have the same size boxes for moving and to label them when taping them shut. oh, and jenny is so right. if the box says kitchen on the top then put it in the fucking kitchen when you go inside with it. now i just have to figure out what to do with all these empty boxes.

our new place is on the second floor and even has a nice porch out front. there's a decent view of our street and all the people walking their dogs. the kitties love their new front door... it has a screen so they can get some air. the place has mostly wood floors and tile, which is always better than all carpet. kind of the setup that tim and mary had in their duplex, only with windows than can open and get great air flow through the place. it cracks me up that we have heat and air conditioning in the house, including an extra window unit in the bedroom. we barely used both of the window units in our other place, so the thought of ever turning it on here makes me want to hurl. out of curiosity, i decided to risk my own welfare and was quite promptly reminded that we'll be needing a really good water filter system. BLECH! how do they fucking live with this shit?!? and speaking of water, we'll have to do a commando-style rigging of the shower head. it keeps making me think of that episode of king of the hill where they have to get a low flow toilet... does it count as low flow if you have to stay in the shower four times as long just to rinse off and get clean? if anyone out there has a shower head that can put out more than 2.5 GPM with some good pressure behind it, we need your help. damn, i knew i'd miss my bathroom, but not for so many reasons. rebecca is now the the proud bearer of a shower with the most water pressure ever. it's not even on the high setting, which is kind of like getting sandblasted clean. let this be a lesson to cherish your water pressure. i just wanna get clean, damnit! on the good side, the toilet seems to be a contraband item and works pretty well. i'm sticking it to the man on that one.

wanna know about the driving? yeah, of course you do. it's the main attraction here! i have managed to not get stuck in a major traffic jam OR come to a dead halt on the freeway just yet. right, see, that's been two whole days! woohooo!!! we went to get my car from across town yesterday and it took over an hour to get into north hollywood from redondo beach. to be honest, i kind of lost track of the time. it could have been the novelty of being in a new place. there were a lot of different neighborhoods and winding roads to distract me. when we got out of the cars, i did notice a persistent off-kilter vibrating in my body, like you get when you jump off of an elliptical training machine. it made me feel frenetic for a while. is this what it feels like to be holly?

there are a lot of things here that are just like anywhere else. culturally speaking, it's the little things that make the difference. not a big suprise there i'm sure. ever notice the most random bits about a place when you go on vacation? that's all the stuff i'm noticing right now, which makes me sounds like a remedial yet pedantic jackass. dogs in dresses! palm trees out your front door! houses built on steep hills! construction with no noise! oh, and derek took the liberty of ordering some "oklahoma chili" when we went out to eat yesterday. DON'T EVER BE THAT STUPID! we could only suppose that they could try to call it that because someone mailed them a can of wolf brand from oklahoma. one phenomenon that i had not expected? there are people walking down the street in my 'hood. yes, walking! i'm sure it's just to get to their cars, but it's hopeful enough for now.

off to see what the new week brings...

14 April 2006

stirring dust

my last post from oklahoma... eep.

rebecca is a friend of ours who's taking over the apartment and the hobo kitties when we move tomorrow. she has been gracious enough to give us free reign on what we feel like cleaning. this is great because it means i won't be spending my last few moments with family and friends mopping the floor. okay, so i did just finish up scrubbing out the tub, a task i rarley do for myself when living somehwere. we also did some spot cleaning of the walls and doors. it ought to make her feel special. i can't wait to hear how many people, ones we know, knock on her door after we leave. i swear, half the town knows where we live and comes over to covet the palace known as our bathroom. hey, don't ask. it's just really huge. like the size of an entire huge laundry room. we've had parties in just the peehole before. it's got its own time zone. you're jealous right now, aren't you?

all this shuffling of crap is causing a snow flurry of cat hair. achoo! poor derek is just a sniffly mess. all this dust and pollen and hair and goodness knows what is torturing him. not to mention that i think he's gotten used to the weather in california already. if you've ever been in oklahoma during the spring with your allergies going bonkers, you know exactly how he feels. now pile on the remnants of living in the same place for quite some time. even i'm dripping snot at least once a day with all of the hubbub and mess, and that damn cheap roll of one ply i bought for the toilet (sorry, i promise i didn't know!) is no picnic on the schnozzola. drip drip sniff sniff snot.

people ask how we're doing. they ask if we're okay or sentimental or upset. i don't know how we're doing. we're sweaty and thirsty. we're tired and spacy. we should be able to let you know how we're doing in about a week or so. by then i'll be able to find just about everything, or perhaps just the box where it lives. i'll have some kind of traumatic whatever, but it will pass with enough coffee and cheese and cookies. i'll find something to keep me busy and get out into the world to find some new places to go and annoy people. there is one thing, though. we were ready for a big change in our lives and now we've got it.

you should never complain about getting what you've asked for once you've got it, even if it kind of sucks at first. you should save your complaining for something more fun and pissy than that. bitching takes energy and builds cardio skills. so bone up on the caffeine and get your heart rate going on something good. fucking fuckers are all over the place just waiting to give me some practice and burn off that pizza.

i've decided not to get culture shock. it is better to give than to receive, right?

13 April 2006

starting the countdown

stuff is everywhere. the cats are freaking out. recycling duties loom. the phone keeps ringing. taxes are done. the truck is gigantic. we're almost out of boxes and tape. it's time to eat more food. in short, zero hour approaches.

on the fortunate side of things, we both got into the dentist before the week was up. now it's time to make all those last minute calls and run crazy stoooopid errands. there's something incredibly annoying about having to buy toilet paper two days before a cross country move. let's hope it makes rebecca feel welcome into her new home.

i just KNOW i'm forgetting something important...

11 April 2006

return of the stimpy

derek will be here in a few hours! EEE! after a six week stint of "being single" for each of us, i will no longer be able to hog the bed. well, not especially allowed to hog it, though i have been known to do so anyway. it's funny how all of those personal habits that you thought, you assumed, you IMAGINED had belonged to the other person in your house somehow become more apparent when that person isn't around. the other thing you notice is how messy they are. oh, it's never you, is it? it couldn't be.

random side note: i sweat like a pig when i'm vacuuming. adding to this, i'm a complete traitor to the feminist cause - i just vacuumed my own vacuum cleaner because it had stuff on it. let's not even talk about the dusting of the miniature grocery cart that i gave to my neighbor. but i digress...

living alone for this time has taught me a few things:
1. i can cook a chicken breast, and eat it, without throwing up afterwards.
2. my feet smell worse than his.
3. being in a couple does not make you an independence invalid.
4. the cats hog the bed. it really isn't me.

then again, my posse has given me so much foster care that there was less time alone than i had expected. my reputation in the kitchen called for several dinner invites and random feedings. i'm like a zoo animal! don't mess with the monkey. the monkey bites. at least no one aimed for the eye when they threw the food my way. this (almost) final night of feeding time was with scott and zoe. my rather impressive "i'll bring the bread" skills paid off in spades when he stuff me with yum yum chicken and mushroom stuff. who's gonna go to the bookstore and browse with me now?! ack.

more packing, more cleaning, more errands, more more more!!! it's almost zero hour in the house of slack.

07 April 2006

slumber par-tay

so tim left yesterday for chapel hill, and now mary is staying with me for the weekend. we're having a four day slumber party! i even cooked for the occasion. okay, so what if it was mac and cheese - that still counts, damnit. this will have to be short, because we have to go watch some vh1 and eat lemon cookies before we drift off and stuart paralyzes mary from the knees down. how did that cat become so heavy? shut up, i do not feed them that much.... no reallly. i don't.

with all the positive press about the show, mary is making fun of my big fat head. i'm a total press whore and she's having a good dig at my ego just to keep me grounded. however, she has pointed out the fact that it's good for people to see that i can do a good job on stage, and peope who haven't used me in the past but are seeing this can just EAT THIS, FUCKERS! (that was so totally her idea, not mine. but i like it.) hey, that's how i've always felt about her on stage, so it's nice to get the same big ups coming back at me. eee!

i've settled into a new theory these days. sometimes you don't know what you want, right? at those times you should have an avocado. seriously. it's a good patch for confusion. just think - guacamole. mmmmmm. okay fine, so if you don't like avocados then just have a banana instead. and don't ask me why. could it be perhaps that both foods have gotten a bad rap in the past and need a boost? rage against the machine, ye goody foods! stick it to the man! rebel!

did i really just advise foods to stand up and have a revolution?

mary has just realized that those poor avocados don't get to vote. shit, they don't even get minimum wage. so next time you're feeling abused and lonely, just think of the mighty avocado and the awesome banana. bruise not foods that will heal you.

time for some trash tv!

04 April 2006


woooohooooo! banana margaritas!

the great thing about skipping town is the procession of family dinners that ensue once you give notice that you're leaving. everyone wants to get out and make merry with you. tonight was a margarita free for all with julie and mr. tony, tim and mary, and karen from the paper. we laughed so damn hard and had a faboo time. i'm going to miss all those dinners when i get to no friend's land. who else will understand the announcement that "I"M WALKING!" after i've had a few? geez, i guess i should get all my liquor in now. drinking alone means you're an alcoholic, right? speaking of scooby doo (as scott's little girl would say - and thanks for that wonderful interjection into our lexicon, by the way), there's one more big blowout this weekend with all the art fag theatre geeks. ought to be a rage. EEE!

things they are a-churning. tim and mary's pod goes away tomorrow, as well as tim. boo, hiss, sniffle. i suppose they are in their now-unfurnished duplex at this very moment being weepy and cute together. i'm over here looking at my to do list with a sigh of "oh well piss on that" and shuffling boxes around. there is good news, though. many more boxes and things left the house today, never to return! i made those people at the library very happy with donations and office supplies, not to mention actually paying all my late fees.

oh, and my candidate won the mayoral race. let's hope she doesn't fuck it up now.

pop culture alert! i saw midgets on SO NOTORIOUS! yes, i should probably be ashamed of myself for being fixated, but i swear it's in a really good way. or should i be more ashamed of my vh1 watching habits? either way, i'm starting to believe that the term guilty pleasure is for the birds. bring on the trashy magazines! but i'm still not going to watch american idol, no matter how much nick and megan tell me about it. i CAN be hoghbrow, too, ya know. i even have the eiffel tower kleenexes to prove it.

ahhhh, one more weekend of the show to go. a nice review using the word astonishing - wheeeeee! time to go relearn my lines so i don't look like a big jackass on thursday. wasn't i supposed to be packing?