31 July 2006

ready set go to work

i'm starting a new job today. yes, AGAIN. let's hope i can get through training without getting fired or killing anyone. beyond that, i'd just like to have something that doesn't annoy me the whole time i'm there. isn't that a beautiful dream?

please don't let them be all p.c. and shit. it's possible that they've spent so much time on priding themselves as liberal here that they've gone past that on the circle of things. as mary so eloquently put it, "when you keep turning left, eventually you're going right again." i think that sums up how fucking ultratouchy these people are.

we can also hope that my bladder kicks back in and behaves itself. since moving out here, it's been reduced to the size of a pinhead. i've gone from a bladder of steel type to princess and the pee pee. rhiannon's new baby probably pees less than i do. it's become my new hobby. this must mean i need to get out of the house more.

so i'll go to work. again.

neon, harry potter, and an outdoor pharmacy

this weekend we brought ourselves a smattering of interest.

the heat wave has (finally!) broken and i can once again breathe. seriously, peeps. i'm not fucking with you here. temps over 100 degrees for eons in a row can lead to my own private nervous breakdown. it is very hot in the middle of the country, but there is also a foreseeable end to the summer. unlike back home where seasons exist, i can see no end to this meteorological road to nowhere. if i'm going to try and "make the best of shit" here then i refuse, i revolt, i just can't be asked to do it while playing the part of a rotisserie chicken. thank goodness for the slight break. the weather giving us the brief reprieve from postmodern wasteland hellhole ambience, derek and i got out of the house.

we ventured downtown to the library once again for more language materials, courtesy of the children's department. picture dictionaries are a good way of learning some basic vocabulary. oddly enough, it was a bit difficult to hear the librarian directing us to the correct shelves because of all the screaming teenage girls out in the rotunda. if you've been keeping up with mary's blog at all, you saw her reference to the band harry and the potters. (she has some myspace page link in a post.) yes, they do have all songs about books - mostly the harry potter series. they even had an opening act here in the form of draco and the malfoys! two bands for free! lest you think that we were the oldest people in the crowd, there were PLENTY of adults out there without kids, and many chicks dressed like hogwarts students. in the middle of the opening act, derek even saw an albino asian guy in the audience. wow! had he been a midget i possibly would have fainted on the spot. the pop culture of it all was enough to make me feel like some carpe diem is totally worth it when mary tells you to go do something dweeby. there's nothing like an entire corridor of people screaming in the library. it's possible that the noise alone was worth the trip.

after the show we headed a few blocks down the road to the museum of neon art. this is one of those things in the city that i would definitely recommend. it's a smallish place (though not much smaller than the alleged museuom of contemporary art) loaded with restored signs and rotating exhibits. the mechanical rendition of a cat was my favorite, with the plasma jellyfish a close second. if you're ever stuck in suckifornia with free time, go see this place. the FIDM gallery was closed by the time we left all that neon, but they have some sort of costume gallery that looks to be neat-o. maybe we'll pop in next time around.

on the way back to the car, we stopped by a place called the bishop. it's a coffeeshop that would seem to be one of the few places downtown who will brave being open on the weekend. the guy inside was even somewhat amiable, probably a sort of desperate plea owing to the desolation of the area on a saturday afternoon.

after a spot of free trial coffee, we continued our walk until we came upon some filming hubbub. inching closer we could see that the filming was for a commercial. in fact, they had blocked off several downtown blocks to recreate an entire cvs pharmacy in the middle of an intersection. some advertising agency's accountant is going to be very happy when this whole thing is over. this is some crazy shit, i tell you. there were even those label signs at the end of each fully stocked row to tell you what they had. it was bizarre enough to pass simply for the fact that you don't often walk by an entire shelf of toiletries unless you're actually in a store. besides that, it just looked like a big clusterfuck of overspending. there must have been a good fifty people running around straightening goods and putting up more signs. there were mega-huge lights on cranes for the affair! when i hear that this shitty place is out of touch with normal goals and morals of the american people, this is the picture that will forever come to mind.

did i mention that they were filming less than a hundred feet outside the front doors of a rite aid pharmacy? i heart sarcastic irony.

26 July 2006


derek and i have been spending time together this week just hanging out with each other. you know, i kind of like him. there - i said it. if i'm going to be short on friends to dork out with in suckifornia, i'm glad to know that i at least have somebody cool around here.

we went to the science center and the big outlet shopping frenzy citadel on saturday. the center was fairly large and pretty okay, and admission is free if you don't count the price of parking. sunday was library day. since then we've mostly been hanging around the house when we don't need to run errands. the house is a lot neater as of late, i must say. i've also been catching up on reading here and there while derek gets work done in the other room. this what be must people are trying to tell me when they say that i should take it easy once in a while. i'll get out more in the next few days, though. i have another job interview tomorrow afternoon.

i've been doing a lot of cooking this month, which should save us a few bucks to put towards the moving fund. (next time we're moving in style!) in fact, i've used both the stove AND the oven, including a successful foray into the world of fabulous sausage gravy. mmmmmm, graaaaavvyyyyy. maybe i'll make some more before we watch the race this weekend. we can toast biscuits together and laugh while scott speed tanks out yet again.

being boring can have its benefits.

24 July 2006

je ne sais pas

my latest endeavor involves the library, andrey, ignorance and patience.

this begins with a incident where holly and i were having one of our epic chats about "the way shit is" in the world last week. see, since moving out here, i've become a bit more adapted to phone calls. having a long phone conversation, for me, is about the equivalent of getting your teeth drilled by a dentist. however, i'm stuck here and they're there, so... fuck it, right? my ear sweats a lot now.

in any case, i had mentioned my desire to become somewhat of a polyglot before i die. it's one of those things on my big list for life. i'd also like to drive a race car, but that's another story. for now i'll settle for learning to communicate with more people. my new goal for the year is to become conversational in at least two other languages. when i say conversational, of course i mean in a touristy kinda way. i'll hope that i could at least go the the store to buy things and figure out how to find the bathroom. smaller points of success like that help me keep my goals in perspective when i get frustrated by learning new things.

in an attempt to be supportive of andrey's fantastic command of the english language (and no i am not being snarky here), holly and i decided that we should pick up a bit of russian. just the thought of being able to hang out together "sounding cool" at brunch the next time we're all together was enough to get her motivated. well, it got her motivated enough to have the desire to be motivated, which is a lot sometimes. holly and i can be lazy chicks, but if i give her an initial bump she'll be off and rolling. we've both had some introduction to the alphabet and language at a prior time, so it shouldn't be so hard as we're making it out to be. at least i'll have someone else who's just as goofy as i am trying hard at it. i can already remember a few cognates and how to ask about finding a toilet, so we're off to a good start.

derek and i had previously discussed giving it a go at learning something new, so we went to the library yesterday and picked up some learning materials. we checked out some in french as well. derek is having an easier time processing it right now, but he's willing to try it all. as long as we're not speaking spanish in this house i'll be happy. don't ask - another long story.

maybe i can even get mary to practice speaking in french with me again. it could be like a group project. "bonjour mary. nous sommes americaines stupides, n'est pas?" derek will chime in with, "regardez! le poissons nage, oui?" and we can all feel terribly hip. that would be worth the sweaty ear for sure.

22 July 2006

trash = crack

still haven't started that new book yet, but i have spent a good deal of time on shitty shit from the periodicals section. i'm beginning to think that my attention span has been sneaking out of the house without me and smoking crystal meth, for it has left me in a state of magazine-loving frenzy. if left to my own devices at this point, i would be starting a billion subscriptions to things and waiting by the mailbox each day.

the hunt for trash with bacon is sorely missed, but my sickness for slicky pages has caused me to expand my genres of fluff. when you just can't get enough in touch or ok! to fill the snark void, you simply must turn to... PSYCHOLOGY TODAY! this rag is written by the blurbologists society, or at least that's what it would seem. who knew there where so many "studies of" truly random shit going on? is this where all the federal funding and grants for education is going? should i be upset if it is? i mean, i kinda appreciate knowing that people are into junk mail signed by another person whose initials match their own. studies of stupid shit are like the early warning systems of popular culture. THESE are the things we all think about in the middle of the night when we have too much time on our hands.

there are a few magazines i like that could be considered socially whatever (relevant, pertinent, important, etc.) and make me look smart, but it's just a ruse. these mags still have idiotic crap snuck into their pages, be it in editorial content or just plain principle. let's face it - reading socially whatever smarty pants articles is just one more way that social trends sneak into our consciousness. attempting to disguise pop culture with intellectualism is hooey from the get go in my book. the truth is, news is news. the notion of "human interest" sensationalism be damned, human interest will go where it may. it usually goes in the same direction as a bendy twisty crazy straw.

was that deep or what? i feel so socially whatever now.

think i'll go flip through my latest copy of bitch and read about their take on fashion. (they like project runway, too!) it's nice to see a tough cookie like dolly parton portrayed as a fashion icon.

21 July 2006

getting a good night's sleep again

okay, so i admit it. most of the days here since i've gotten back from tulsa have been fucking depressing. it's suckity suck su-hu-huck. little miss fussypants could be my new moniker. i've been as cheery as possible when writing only for the sake of not being a total bummer and whining incessantly. it's more important to me on here to find the amusing moments of the day to share with others. my glumness is boring even to me. nobody likes a whiner, as i have often been fond of saying.

so that's where i go when i've apparently disappeared: to my wallowing spot. like a pig in mud, right? oink oink oink. that said, let's move on.

i got fired yesterday! woooohooooo!!! yes, i've now gone through four - count'em, FOUR! - jobs in my short time here in hell. it's like wearing employment teflon, i tell you. mary says i should just go to a temp service and admit that i'm not ready to commit to anyplace in particular. i told her that i am my own temp service; only i haven't told that to any of my bosses yet.

wanna know the best part? i'm such a total badass that they couldn't even wait until friday afternoon like all the guidebooks tell you is going to happen. i got fired on a wednesday at noon. is that some rockin' shit or what? as for their reasons, i have been cited as a disruption. whatevahhh. probably true, but it's still amazing to get the axe in spite of doing zero-mistake, perfect production on your work. that's how cool this little chick can be. beh, office jobs and me just don't seem to get along in the end.

but but but oooooh! there is one story you have to know. it involves the dummmmmmmest trainer ever to roam the earth. really! tell me all about the worst trainers you've had, and i still think i can top them with this one. wendy the trainer is a racist mulatto native of the los suckeles area. she's addicted to health food and vitamin supplements because "they have no side effects" and has sunshine coming out of her ass. this would all be bad enough, but she's incompetent on top of it. being in the same room with wendy makes one physically ill, stripping all iq points in the process. are you feeling it now? it gets better.

we were training on how to code an order based on the country when the bottom fell out of the barrel on wendy's stupidity. i asked about how to code when a country is known by more than one name. "what are you talking about? what do you mean?" was her helium-voiced response. you all know i'm talking about (among others) england, right? of course you do. you're smart people. after stating what i had thought to be the obvious answer, she asked me what other names people used for england. although i was more than a little stunned by the question, i mentioned great britain and the united kingdom. "oh no, united kingdom is their continent," she said in all earnestness.

we have all encountered people this stupid, but it's always a shock to me that they're allowed to roam about with no supervision, not even a shock collar. i was forced to whip around and tell her, "NO. the continent is europe." she looked puzzled and uttered another "whaaat?" as if i were the idiot. "england is on the continent of europe," i repeated with clarity. "well, i know they're in the european union, but still-" she started.

"that's because england is part of europe. that's the continent. EUROPE." truly, i should have resisted the grand opportunity to fully show off wendy's incompetence, but it was just too fucking sweet to hold back, and the other two people in training were getting a kick out of her attempts at a power struggle based in ignorance. it was noted that i should just put england in as the country, but that blows had been struck. the gauntlets, and i DO mean to use the plural here, had been thrown. i seem to be well-equipped with a gauntlet for every occasion when it comes to someone like wendy the dumbass trainer.

just think - this person is the one showing others how to do their jobs. she has the responsibility of teaching, and she can't even remember her own training schedule, let alone be bothered to look at a map of the world. it was a pleasure getting fired from her reign of terror. we can all be reasonably sure that the only reason i kept going back was so that i could get paid to intimidate/scare her on company time. i certainly don't miss having insomnia and then getting up at the buttcrack of dawn so i could be to the office by seven.

they paid me for all day wednesday. it's nice to know that i was still on the clock later on in the afternoon as i chatted with veronica and got ready for my a job interview that had been scheduled even before i found out i was getting tossed. so let's all start the betting pool on a whole new job! hehehhehehe... i haven't been this irresponsible in quite some time. would it be bad of me to say that i'm having some fun with it? it's not that i don't want to find a job i can keep, though. it'll happen sooner or later. the job just hasn't found me yet.

in thinking it over, i've decided that mary and i are split winners in this pool. (i had myself down for a week and she'd though two.) i'll have to find a bauble to suit both of our tastes and buy two of them so i can send one to her. this sounds like a great time for some of our famous matching underwear! or socks! maybe i can go to target during a slow time, say around mid morning, and take a lookey lookey.

after all, i am unemployed.

12 July 2006

random side notes - chapter four

it's quite possible that zhen, mary, derek, and nick are ALL addicted to youtube. is this like that time on star trek when they forced wesley and ashley judd to play "the game" and turn into junkies like the rest of the crew? i'm afraid to ask what level of youtube they're all on by now. can i be ashley judd in this one?

i started (yet another) new job yesterday. i am so sucking tired right now because i went to work at 7 am today. what the fuck was i thinking? much more exhaustion like this and mary's going to win the betting pool. maybe i'll win. maybe i'll just drop dead and lay there for the next few months.

the betting pool is on how long it'll take me to quit my new job. get in now while there's still time! i'll be granting a special prize to the winner, or whomever can get the closest to the right amount of time. this way the job can be like a game, and there's always a winner. submit all guesses to this post and i'll come up with sumfin' gooooood fer ya.

my favorite episode of dirty jobs: chicken sexer.

ooooooooohhhhh la la! tonight is the new project runway! with all apologies to the east coast posse, i'm gonna watch the shit outta that show. did i mention i've also been watching hell's kitchen. just so everyone knows... i am totally ashamed of myself for my television habits.

no i'm not. not really. okay maybe just a little.


englebert humperdinck. slap von waller.

if you're not following, then you need your dose of eddie izzard and you can get back to me later. you also need to look up the word random and forgive me for going on tangents. tangents are so cool. how like the nature of water they are, yes? tangential, i am, yes... said yoda.

there's a woman in my training class that's even dumber than the workbaby, if you can believe that one. she is NOT, however, my supervisor, so i can quint at her as much as i like with no retaliation. then again, didn't the supreme court decide that i could complain at work without getting mine for it now? hmmmm, but i think that's only if i'm actually willing to file suit. beh, too much effort. i'll just keep on squinting for now. grrr.

do all sagittarians have a hard time making friends or is it just me? oh sure. we can all talk to people in a shallow way. then we get bored and start shoving the offspring from zhen's garden up our noses in an attempt to knock ourselves out. our real hobby is rolling our eyes at people and shaking our heads in disgust. it's like a quasi-cardio. mmmmm, gimme them beans, zhen!

skulls unlimited, a business in oklahoma city, is a company that cleans skulls and/or skeletons for a living. really. like bison and shit, and the maggots and insects eat all the meat. i'm not fucking with you here. weird. (still watching dirty jobs on my dvr while i veg out and wait for tim gunn on bravo.) television can be educational. thanks to nick and bacon we've started recording "how it's made" for more nerdy stuff, but i swear we DO do more than watch edu-tv. really, we've got lives!

mountain dew looks contaminated. the color of mountain dew is the taste of tapwater in helLA. how derek can drink that shit is beyond me. he must be trying to build a protective coating in his throat against the local pollution.

julie was probably right when she said that this is just a different phase in my creative life. as of late i've been enjoying more solitary artistic pursuits. having a break from being fabulous out in front of people is giving me a whole new appreciation for my other side.

there is (what i see as) an homage to avocados and an article on uglydolls in giant robot. a pretty cool magazine. check it ouuuuuuut.

my latest reads besides the bevy of trash i bought with bacon include the witches, why do men have nipples?, and the ever-awesome idiot girls' xmas. i just got a new book in the mail called revenge of the paste eaters. let's hope i don't quit my literary bender just because i'm not on the train anymore. i'm thinking of riding the train all day this weekend just to have a nice spot to read. it's nice to get to work in eight minutes, but the train is super happy fun time. hmph.

speaking of super happy fun, we made scott play katamari last week! if you don't know the katamari theme song, you should, damnit. if you know the katamari theme song, you're already humming it, aren't you? hehehehe...i heart the japanese.

10 July 2006

the sunday funnies

let's all toast the shitshack, shall we?

in a quest for junk food, derek decided that we should take a cruise by pink's to check out the line... that went around the corner and into the parking lot. it's possible that some of the people there are still in line waiting for food and might be there until september. no fucking way was i going to wait an hour to get a chili dog. after some more aimless driving and against our better judgment we settled on the scary scary oki dog.

"i'm afraid for my life," said derek as we strolled into the shittiest shitshack ever. "this place is going to scar me forever." the menu, if that's what one could call it, was the sort of thing that would make nick run away like a drag queen on fire heading for the last rousing game of patrick dempsey. (don't know what i'm talking about? just go with it and you'll get the picture.) there was a little patio type area enclosed by bars outside of the ugly orange building and an asian guy making this hot dog concoctions. a couple of whiskey faced men had control of the remote for the fuzzy tv. as a bonus, there were even video games to play on the patio thingy, including tekken! since i'm not one for posting a ton of links, i'll just let you google oki dog on fairfax to see the horror of it all for yourself. it's craptacular, as mary might say. but hey - at least there was parking. "yeah there was parking," derek went on, "and now you know why." fuck it. this place was the sanford and son of shitshack eateries. hours later and still digesting, i must say that i feel funky now.

speaking of mary, she called after we'd left the funhouse of hot dogs. once i'd finished describing the oki dog experience, she was also afraid for us. it was just hard to tell how shocking the whole thing was to her because she couldn't stop laughing at the story. derek was so traumatized by the event that he had to go through beverly hills on the way home just to balance out his life a bit. more cruising led us to melrose, where derek found the holy grail of hangout spots.

we stopped at an anti-starbucks coffeeshop. they didn't ask if i wanted whipped cream on my fucking cappucino. and get this one: they were smoking. INDOORS! need i say more? sally, our gps unit, threw a party in my honor and immediately put this joint in her faves list. oh yes, we will be going back. tankoo berry mucho, derek and sally!!!

turns out that derek was being that soooooo los angeles guy and had simply wanted to get out of the valley for a few hours. could it have been an attempt to escape the weather up here? DUH. it's like a hundred fucking degrees all the time. when i said i wouldn't miss oklahoma in august, i didn't know it was because i have it every day around here. why do i have to live like a rotisserie chicken?

we took the long way home with mary on the phone the whole way. we even spotted a billboard that read, "look! i'm wearing a meat beard." who the hell knows what that shit is all about, i don't even want to know. so if anyone wants to know what she did this weekend, she got out of the house driving around hollywood with us. isn't she fancy? i can't just go cruising without my peeps in tow, even if it is thanks to the miracles of technology.

brrrrinnng, brrrrinnnnng. be on the lookout for my number. i'll be calling next time we're out seeing the cheese. at last i can have some normal sundays while being stuck in suckifornia. you can even call me if you want. together we can make sundays the good ole fundays again. wheeee!

07 July 2006

the new sullivan!

spreading the word and gossiping:

i just got a text message from ed at 8.56 pm, 07 july 2006.

it's a boy!
maxwell phineas sullivan
9.96 lbs, 22 in long.

big smiles to ed and rhiannon. may she get back into her old shoes as quickly as she likes and throw out those damn thongs.

stylin' and profilin'

we went home!

derek had to do some work in texas, which naturally led to the short jaunt further north. he decided i should join him for the visit. how could a girl resist the chance to go and dork out with some favorite home-chickens? good times had by all, lots of food eaten, cigarettes smoked, water consumed, blah bitty blah. we'll get to that craziness in a later update.

as for the travel, it was a bumpity ride. my superstitious side is getting the better of me as i get on towards curmudgeonhood. it should have served as an early warning system in this instance. bells and whistles were supposed to be looking out for me to let me know the shit was heading towards the fan. i should have known i was in for a jolt from the time i left the house.

ever since security became paramount at airports after the terrorist attacks, i have been repeatedly profiled, searched, wanded, and all other manner of targeted. it's difficult to say exactly what it is about me that screams "hey, look out for the stubby chick with the dirty mouth and coffee on her shoes," but my je ne sais quoi has apparently put me on some kind of watch list. turning my palms to the sky and opening my bag while going through the beepy gate a number of times is a normal occurrence for me anymore. i've even started to calculate the extra time it's going to take for us to get through security as part of my trip. oh, and if it isn't my brown person's last name or stray nail file that slows us down, it's derek's computer and virtual shopping cart of electronics he's toting in that backpack of his. between the two of us we're an elite team of slowpokey risks to national safety. (i still have yet to figure out how he can get through a trip with no identification and i can get a car out of a los suck-eles garage with nothing but my charm and various monkey noises.) it's a wonder we get anywhere on time.

so this time when i went through the gate at burbank, i was ready for the treatment, BUT NO! they let me through with not so much as a "could you step to the side please?" or a squinty look. it was fucking amazing! not only had i remembered to go back to the house and take care of the coffeemaker and trash, i had also secured a window seat, ON THE EXIT ROW, and gotten through to the plane with zero incident and very little waiting.

furthermore, when i stopped in dallas (at DFW, the hub from hell) i was only three gates away from my connecting flight. this kind of luck is unheard of in a city that's been serving as my personal pit of doom for most of my life. i got to smoke two whole cigarettes whilst calling veronica and had the smoothness of getting back through security in less than five minutes. for the second time in one trip i had avoided the fate of the wand. to top the extravaganza of "who did i blow in a past life to have this spot of happiness?" i was experiencing, both flights landed early with no stinky people or crying children anywhere near me... on a holiday weekend, no less! jackpot!!!

you know how the rest goes from here, don't you?

our returning flight was supposed to take off tuesday afternoon. we got to the tulsa airport, fumbled through security with derek's computer getting so many x-rays that i was starting to wonder when the doctors would declare it had a rare form of usb port cancer with no cure. i'd spent my time playing strip poker with anything even remotely metal, short of undergarments, until the damn machine stopped beeping. they finally let us run off to (the wrong) gate and wait for a flight that wasn't coming due to weather delays. we were shuffled to another flight in record time. i asked about sitting by the exit and we were just getting comfy when the lady across the aisle put the bad luck whammy out there in full volume within earshot of several rows.

"wow, this row is great! i have sooooo much room to stretch. i bet i could lay down and take a nap over here. look at me! even with my short legs i can tell a difference in how much space is here. i feel sorry for those other people." she must have meant the people in the immediate area who were craning their necks to glare at anyone seated in an exit row with that extra leg room. all i can think is bitch shut up and stop tempting fate here, okay? but fate stepped in and left us on that airplane waiting for weather updates. with the engine not running and no air conditioning, it just kept getting hotter as they shoved even more people on the plane to fill all the rows. we were in serious danger of losing our scammed-on exit seats when it was announced that all flights to dallas that night were cancelled and we'd have to schlep up to the counter for a rebooked flight. ugh.

after a phone call to nick so he could turn around and fetch us, we waited. we waited in line. we waited in line a really long time. nick parked and waited for us. nick got dirty looks for parking in the passenger pickup zone. nick circled enough times to get a qualifying time at the slowest racetrack in the world. we rebooked. for thursday at the buttcrack of dawn. they said that everything from six different airlines was already booked and there was no way to get us on our way any sooner. woe to us, with no chance of freebies to ease our struggle because it was a weather delay that caused the ruckus.

no matter to that. the delays had given us a bonus day with tulsa and we could always call reservations later in the night, which derek did. by this time i was beginning to learn that whomever can stay on hold with customer service the longest is the winner. when he explained to american that a two day delay was unreasonable due to missed work and extra money spent on staying in tulsa, they were sympathetic. they were extremely courteous. they put him on hold to go check with a supervisor about compensation and he promptly got disconnected. he sighed and called back to go through the story again with a new person. this time derek was also armed with flight numbers of available tickets from three other airlines. surely they'd have to get us out of there on wednesday, right? turns out the answer is a yes! they could only delay us a reasonable amount of time, even due to weather, and derek was greedy enough to wait on hold for half an hour until we got booked for wednesday evening on a united flight. we even got to go first class out of denver. problem solved and upgrade included. rock stars, indeed.

at least derek got booked for that time. unbeknownst to us, they had fucked up my reservations and put me on a different, earlier flight. without getting an immediate email confirmation from american, and because we are trusting people, we didn't think to look at my itinerary when we got up the next morning. we were going to print out boarding info when he saw that i was supposed to leave HOURS AGO from the time we thought we were both scheduled. another call to the powers that be and we got me rearranged. for the third time in less that 24 hours. sheesh, shit, motherfucker.

of course they had no record of me being corrected at the counter. united also had my itinerary as flying into burbank from denver on wednesday, but not even leaving tulsa to denver until thursday. am i dr. who here?!? more polite begging and pleading from us followed, mostly because nick would have just been pulling in to the parking garage at his building by this point and i could only make him drive around the airport so many times in one week.

good-natured cajoling can pay off if you do it just right. after explaining what had been going on for the past day, they rebooked me into the flight and gave us boarding passes. when we got to the checkpoint where they ask for identification, we were given bright orange tags and told to use the orange buckets for our stuff. of course! things were finally going our way! we were getting the security treatment that had been our par from flights gone by. this time we even had to step into little corrals like we were racing dogs! our bags were laid out like it was a drug intervention and we shuffled over to the mats with our shoes in little trays.

it's funny how hard it can be to explain to the transit security workers why you're happy to be felt up and searched in front of the pointing and whispering onlookers. the nice lady was as professional as could be when she touched all the metal parts on my bra. "now i'm not going to give you an exam or anything," she said as she stuck the wand halfway up my skirt. "i'll just be brushing past the inside of your leg a little." i just laughed and told her how i was actually feeling more comfortable about our trip now that we'd been stopped. she giggled and shook her head, but did take the time to compliment my fluevogs and ask where i got them. rubber-soled heels are the best, you know.

what set it off this time? seems as if the trigger could have been so many multiple rebookings within such a short time. derek whipping out half of the nation's laptop computers and a few other geek gadgets probably didn't help. for all anyone else knows it was just my massive underwires. what i can tell you is this - life was some brilliant sailing after that. all systems go, all things easy. not even a jog to our next gate in denver could phase us. hauling ass to a gate is supposed to be part of the plan in our travels. and hey, it got us to first class that much quicker.

from now on i'm going to request to be profiled in the airport. i'll get on bended knee and squeal like a crack whore for more security. it's the only way i can think of to keep the universe in line. we'll all be safer in the end with me and derek setting an example for america. beep beep beep. bring on the magic wand.

01 July 2006

late night blather rinse and repeat

tonight's installment of insomnia gives me the feeling of being a sassy little tike. the kind of child that has a secret but won't let anything go past that impish giggle except for a few silly singsong taunts to drive people bonkers.

i know something you don't know. nannee nannee boo boo. stick your head in doo doo.

no, i am NOT getting any freakish plastic surgery or a sports car. alas, i am also not moving away from los suckeles... yet. no one has give me a psychic transmission of the winning lottery numbers, either. sigh - woe to me. i do, however, have information. snicker-inducing information. no, not snickers! not the pokin' atcha pokin' atcha variety. snickers, like when you're going to flip the bird to the fuckers that really earned it. teehee, i feel good now baby!

nannee nannee boo boo. takes me back a ways to a kinder simpler day, to simpler ways of abusing others with verbal jabs. when life was good - or least there wasn't a warning label required by law on every single damn thing in the universe - and people still thought some things were "kinda gay" and told you so without there being a lawsuit involved. hooray for the days of the greasy grimy gopher guts song! you know what other saying i think is pretty fucking funny?

milk milk lemonade, around the corner fudge is made.

these days that would count as sexual harassment if you said it at school. it would still probably garner a small uproar even if you didn't use the strategic body part pointing hand gestures that go along with the chant. oh, and speaking of harassment in general, i must relate how really gay it is that i got reprimanded at work this week for it. i was told that it's offensive to verbally note that other people get pissy with me because i speak english at my fleetingly crappy job. not that i'm talking about tourists in for a short visit when i say it, and not that the residents who don't/can't/refuse to speak english could get offended anyway. see, the point is that they don't speak english! then they glare at me and get pissed off because i do! they're overly sensitive about their alleged culture and whatnot here, so i'm somehow the idiot in this situation. it is also apparently offensive to say in jest to a person who already understands that you're kidding, "hey fattie come on let's go and pick up lunch." even if they laugh at it because you're joking around between buddies, if someone else can hear it being said and the word "fattie" makes the eavesdropper uncomfortable, you can be warned! you can be shown the employee handbook and have it shoved in front of your nose, told to reread that second paragraph on harassment again! you too could be a scumbag pariah in the workplace!

i swear, we have never lived in a city this conservative before. people are sensitive about every damn thing. and yet, they fail to say please and thank you. how ironic is that shit?!?!

piss on all of this. i'm so totally quitting the squaresville harassment job. what i'm trying to decide at this point is whether to quit with no notice or just go all out and get fired. i got a new job anyway. who needs those other stiffs when i can insult a whole new group of coworkers with my charm, right? "i know you are, but what am i" is in full effect from now on.

...french fried eyeballs rolling up and down the street, and i forgot my spoon.