29 November 2008

friday was not so black

we were all bracing for impact yesterday at work as i walked in and grabbed my normal snacky bar for breakfast. opened the doors, turned on the music, aaannd.... a whole bunch of not much. we even had time to clean and fuss over displays. business picked up some after lunchtime, but it was by no means anything earth-shattering. the same thing was happening all over town from what i hear. the usual black friday places (toys r us, wal mart, etc.) got hit. everyone else just had a busier day than normal.

i'm not an economist, but i do have skills of observation. people seem to be very efficiently
cherry-picking what they want this year. the few pre-thanksgiving specials we had going were hit very hard on wednesday. we'll surely be quite busy as desperation time comes around and people just need anything they find at the last minute. other than that, i don't see a shopping tsunami coming along in the interim.

it might be a bad thing on sheer sales volume, but it's more relaxing for me at work. being able to take the time to speak to a person and figure out what they really want (as opposed to simply shoving something at them to get them to shut up) is a relief. maybe the quality will be able to overcome the quantity aspect. it would be refreshing to think i'm doing a good job.

in any case, i'm off the rest of the weekend! whee!!! i should really get to cleaning the house for veronica's visit. i know better than to say i'll get it done later in the week. now, which piles are appropriate to make taller?

tomorrow's plans:

26 November 2008

bawk bawk woof woof pfffffffft

i didn't get the part. it's actually not bad news. the girl who did get it is completely adorable and perfect for the show, so i'm not even worried about it. the better news is that liz did the get part i wanted her to get; the part that we all secretly wanted to have anyway. it looks to be a really fun production. wheee!

there is a possibility that i'm doing okay on medication... for now. (still obviously very suspicious of this stuff, ain't we?) you know those really weepy commercials for the ASPCA that sneak up on you without warning? i got ambushed by damn sarah maclachlan and sad pets the other night and started sniffling right away. so my personality is not completely dead to the world. it's better if these things get sprung on me without notice so that i can gauge my reaction WITHOUT trying to put myself in a state of basket case to test the results.

speaking of which, the shopping trip for a coffeemaker was apparently derek's test to see if i would freak out and crumble into a pile on the floor of target. which is something i've done before, sitting there like i have to pee with my face turning white and my head sweating while i rock back and forth in a daze, all the while refusing to get up and leave the store. my nervous breakdowns in public have style, i tell you. this time we managed to get out of there with only a minimal spell of "am i making the right choice here?" and foot shuffling. tempting fate, i forced him to stop by walgreen's on the way home and had another small but important success.

my face is still a little sore but getting better. tim and mary both noted that i have the tendency to make bizarre noises all the time anyway. isn't it strange how you don't notice your own little habits until they're totally amplified? the constant yawning is odd. i went into a crazytown riff yesterday about it, wondering if all this yawning means that i'm not getting enough oxygen to my brain and if the pills are giving me brain damage and how i'm going to end up a giant clucking and barking potato head.

moments of irrationality still intact? check! ability to still engage in wild spiraling for no reason? check! pulling myself together - how the fuck did that happen? i don't know if i'm comfortable with that. maybe i'll just have to look at it as a dip in the mania to make myself feel better. my anxiety and moodiness is an integral part of what gives me the energy to do things. it's too disturbing to think that... i'm not even going to say it. making these sorts of steps leads me into needing a psychological placebo to reassure me that i am still myself.

why i'm relaxed anyway:
got a haircut this morning. don't you just love it when someone else washes your hair for you?

22 November 2008

RIP, coffee

what will i do? how will i live? sigh.

the coffeemaker died this morning. i loved that little thing. megan left it for me as a gift with purchase of the apartment. it brewed quickly and had a timer i could operate with ease. i can hear those last puny drips of death from the kitchen now as it tries to make some sort of farewell sludge for me. i shall mourn the loss and move on with bravado to other caffeinated contraptions. boo hoo, sniff sniff... oh, the times we've shared.

errands for the day:
buy new coffeemaker
mail at post office (i'm back!)
audition for a play
get vitamins and cat litter

21 November 2008

your face hurts? well, it's killing me!

day three of pillsville.

i drank a gallon of water yesterday. this also happens to me when i take a claritin, an hopefully it's only temporary. it's probably good for me. i hate drinking water and usually only do it to balance out the coffee. then i can have coffee as my reward. meow meow meow.

humming (which is a normal habit for me) has taken on a whole new level. with the addition of the "la la la la la la" song in all of ts various incarnations, i'm quite the little noisebox. making my mouth shiver on command is another new talent to exploit. i also babble. even more than i did before, but in a way that makes derek want to listen... at least that's what he just said.

the energy in my body is more focused. it's hard to explain. when i move, it feels like everything i have is going into moving one body part. hi-yahhh! it's like being bruce lee. or like coming down the morning after. this explains why i suddenly got the urge to buy a mondo vat of orange juice and a pack of gum.

there has been no googling on my part, although i did ask derek to check on the ratio of chicken noises made. he said he couldn't find anything about vocal ticks and this pill, so i'm going to proudly declare myself a medical oddity. but in a fun and humourous way. woof! this must be one of those "rare" side effects they don't tell you about. if i need to know anything else, i'll have him just look it up and filter out all the scariness with a simple yes or no answer back to me. teamwork is key here.

if things keep up, i should be rid of my double chin(s) by the end of the week. my constant cycle of noises, relaxation, and yawning to exercise my face makes me think i'm hungry, but my jaw is too tired to eat anything very crunchy. this is a great excuse to go on a creative burrito binge. i can stuff just about anything into a tortilla and make it good. spinach, pb&j, eggs, avocados, corned beef and cheese. it'll be just like getting all of my food through a tube, but one made of floury goodness.

two books i'm reading right now:
why we suck - denis leary
outliers - malcolm gladwell

20 November 2008

the chemical experiment

in my house, we do not celebrate xmas. this is because we do not like it. (and i'm not being the overbearing bitch that's speaking for derek against his will here. he really doesn't like it either, even if he doesn't brace himself against it in the same way i do.) to most people i know, it's a joyous and wonderful time of year when blah-bitty blah-bitty blah. ummmm, yeah. what. ever. to me, the "holiday season" brings out the absolute worst in people. resentment, jealousy, greed, bitterness, anger, loneliness, impatience, haughtiness, overindulgence. yep, a veritable poo poo platter of what i struggle each day not to become. and yet, each year i tell myself that "this time i'm not going to let it get to me" when we start seeing xmas items in august.

didn't we used to wait until at least halloween? when the fuck did the end of the year begin before kids even go back to school? QUOI?!?

but i digress. this time i'm not going to let it get to me. no, really. i'm making a preeemptive strike against the rage. not only am i going to do my usual non-shopping month of december, but i've also decided to begin a regimen of... oh, this kind of sucks to admit, but i'm now officially trying an antidepressant again. i have given myself permission, for now, to be a crazy person and pop a pill, whether it be temporary or experimental or whatever else happens. i'm going to take mary's advice and look at it like taking a pill for allergies or asthma.

yeeesh. my shoulders are squeezed up next to my ears when i think about the reality of it. on the other hand, we've hit day two without any major snags yet. my most prominent preliminary side effect (and don't let ANYone tell you that there aren't side effects from day one of a pill that needs time to cycle through you before getting it full whatnot going on, because they're a fucking liar if they do) is the bizarre urge to make funny noises with my face. i'm a chicken! i'm a bullhorn! i'm a kitty cat! i'm a t-rex! it's mostly so i won't clench my jaw and give myself a headache. nevertheless, it's giving my facial muscles a workout (is this like doing crunches for my cheeks or am i becoming joan crawford in facial strength without even using the aid of a sleeping mask?) and entertaining derek immensely when he hears these odd noises coming from my general direction. bawk bawk bawk.

this is not the first time i've taken a crazy pill. tried in different combinations over the years, i had given up on the idea of doing it again. maybe i don't like the stigma. maybe i got the idea that i should just suck it up and get on with my life. maybe i simply don't like having to remember to take pills. i'm trying to keep an open mind this time, giving myself the option of switching or stopping if i don't think it's going well. the nice thing is, my doctor did not try to push anything on me. we've actually been discussing it for some time. this was the first time he went so far as to write it down and give me the option to go pick them up without saying "let me know" and having me go home to think about it first. jeez, i must have looked pretty blech when i went to see him yesterday. so does this mean that when i want drugs all i have to do is get up early and not drink any coffee or comb my hair? good tidbit to know.

oh, and i'm not going to read (any more than i already have) about other people who've taken this particular pill, because all that does is make me feel like i'm a fucking freak. or like it's the pill of doom. when i get a prescription of any kind, from now on i'm just going to mindlessly take it and decide how well i like it or if i never want to take it again without the foreshadowing prejudice of the internet looming over me. that's what i did back when i was a party animal and it worked out just fine for me then, too. when you're neurotic, there IS such a thing as too much information. clicking through to links of supreme scariness will not help. i asked the name of the pill, what it was, and when to take it - that's enough for me right now.

bawk bawk bawk. rrowwwrrrr.... woohoo!

something to make you laugh:
go to the onion and find the clip about the money hole

12 November 2008

things not to do when you're blue

derek is out of town again. normally i take this as a time to be alone and commune with me me me, doing all those little things you do when you have the house to yourself. i like to wander around in my pajamas and just piddle with my stuff. then i miss him and count the days until i get to go pick him up at the airport.

for some reason, after he left on sunday i was blechy. hanging out with nick was helpful, and we even went to target for random goofing off and silicone cupcake pan getting. i was fine until i got home. even the cats didn't make me feel less lonely. (oh, i'm fine now... don't worry. probably just a momentary lapse.) in an attempt to make myself feel more cheery, i inadvertently made it worse. so, as a service to you, here is my list of at least a few things to avoid when you're feeling inexplicably mooooooody:

  1. listening to aimee mann - a terrific songwriter who, when you're down, will lead you to...
  2. eating the contents of your refrigerator - i left the condiments. luckily, i don't keep much food around the house, but i did bust into the peanut butter for some added protein.
  3. watching sunset boulevard on the classic movies station as the sun goes down and you haven't turned on any lamps yet - does this really need any explaining?
  4. calling someone to go out whom you know is only going to want to stay home - normally this doesn't bother me, but i was in an "artistic moment" at the time
  5. searching for lost objects - it only makes you feel like a failure that you can't find that one thing which popped into your head for no reason. plus, it makes you end up...
  6. looking through your photos - you only miss people more
  7. realizing that holidays are coming - ugh. just fucking ugh.
  8. cleaning - anything at all, really. you would think it would make you feel better for a job well done and all, but you discover what a pig you truly are. just take out the trash instead and call it a day.
to review, just blob out and feel sorry for yourself. get one tiny thing done so you can feel productive. this should be a thing like flossing or changing into fuzzy socks that don't smell funny. maybe it could even include making a long distance call to mary and whining, because she's not going to judge you for it. otherwise you are totally allowed to wallow for a few hours and get it out of your system. trying to fix it can only make things worse until you get a good night of sleep and take the scarlett o'hara "tomorrow is another day" approach to things.

plans for tonight:
going to see forces of nature (another contemporary dance thingy) with megan

05 November 2008

sigh of relief... sort of

after i voted yesterday, i came home to blog. then i was suspicious that the internet was going to blow up from increased activity, so i put it off until today. besides, now i get to say EEE! no more nail biting while we wait for the outcome. no more ugly advertising. no more mailbox full of political postcards. (they seem to have targeted the indie's in my district, as derek got no mail of this sort, but another indie friend of mine got a lot as well.) of course there will still be news, but this thing has been going on for TWO YEARS, so i'm glad it's done at last.

and i must say this: i found john mccain to be incredibly gracious and heartfelt in his concession speech, even if his followers were less than polite. he may have turned darth vader during the course of things, but he did end on a high note for me. credit where credit is due.

on a sadder note, derek has pulled up the results from many of the important state questions that were on ballots yesterday. it was very mixed, and i'm so appalled at some of our findings that i can't even talk about it right now. this is where rage and hope become my best allies.

now i move on to holding my breath for a different reason. our ionesco shows open tomorrow night. everything seemed to fall into place (another sigh of relief i've been waiting for) last night at the dress rehearsal, so it was a calming night overall. having not acted in a few years, i'm a little nervous. note to all who go on a stage - check your zipper! i found out about twenty seconds before my entrance that my zipper was down. i only hope the photographer that was present last night before we started didn't take any pictures of my crotch.

what else i'm pining over:
i can't find my stamps!