07 April 2011

how to achieve zen by being moody

feeling low. no reason. it seems to me that alzheimer's is not the only disorder to have a "sundowning" effect on its peeps. mary always says that you should never make decisions or have heavy talks after midnight, and she is darn right on this.

that being said, of course there's nothing wrong with me. to be the girl with the perfect life, and then to feel the guilt of the perfect life, and then... SPIRAL! SPIRAL! SPIRAL! in the past, we've noted it as the "darfur!!!" thing because of the craziness of the spiral. first you think about what could be wrong. next, you realize that there is nothing wrong. of course you proceed to feel the guilt of having a great life, and the ensuing self-loathing for even feeling like there might be something wrong with such a terrific life, especially when all those people who have shitty lives seem to be getting along just fine. thanks very much. the final trip off the cliff comes quickly, because you are a total clod and there are people suffering in darfur or some other place where there is terrible genocide while you raid the cabinet for another cookie and pine over a useless trinket that broke because it's made out of cheap plastic, which shouldn't even matter because you actually had three fucking dollars to waste on cheap crap that you don't need or even really want in the first place.

oh wait, did i mention the spiral thing? yeah, it definitely goes that fast. my hypercritical thought processes can do all that in five seconds or less, a time which includes not only the thinking, but also the coordinating clump into a chair and pitiful sigh. multitasking your moodiness is not for the faint of heart.

wow, i'm getting worn out just thinking about randomly feeling sorry for myself. what sucketh the most is my logic kicking in and telling me it's only some hormonal jolt that's getting me all poopy and couch potato-like. or it could be the guilt over my secular lent violations. fuck it.

going with an oldie but goodie to be my new mantra of the day, as it's never too late to start your day over again. FUCK. IT. wooot! sigh of pitifulness gone, sigh of relief now engaging. fuck it, my peeps. feel that dalai lama thing coming over you, too? i sure do.

update with humility:
i entered a play in a contest thingy. crossing fingers now.