30 October 2008

every time i think i've hit the bottom of the barrel, someone drills a hole

i wish i were kidding about this. really and truly, i do. the following is an actual conversation i had to have at work this week. to set the scene, let me tell you a few things. it was daytime. the woman who approached me had on a very nice suit, coiffed hair, just enough (but not so much that you would gag) nice perfume, and a leather bag. she looked to be in her late forties and had good posture. i smiled and asked what she needed. thus ensued the hilarity...

cust: do you know who wrote the diary of anne frank?
me: anne frank.
cust: yes, i'm looking for the diray of anne frank... who wrote it?
me: anne frank.
cust: the DIARY of anne FRANK!
me: come with me... do you know who anne frank is?
cust: yes, of course i do. i'm looking for her diary.
me: uhhhhmmmm... it's her diary, right.
cust: i mean, i know it's her diary. i just want to know who wrote it!
me: anne frank.
cust: yes, ANNE FRANK!!!
me: oh, okay. here we are. which one would you like?

do you feel better about yourself now? as time went on, i wondered what kind of a person she was. is it possible that she was a lawyer, an accountant, a community leader? was she there to pick this up for her child? was this woman really allowed to breed?!?!

and furthermore, how did i keep a straight face through this entire (albeit brief) conversation?

of course i ran into someone i knew a few moments later and just had to recount the event. yes, my acquaintance was having a bad day up until that moment. in fact, most of us in the building seemed to be under a dark cloud until this happened, so anne frank lady served her purpose quite well in the end. a few hours later, i received a call from someone looking for the autobiography of malcolm x, "written by malcom x, of course" and had to smile. did you know that you can find it under alex haley's name? ironic humor is not lost on me.

such a scene is the tip of the iceberg, i tell you. sometimes i wonder how any of us even makes it through the day without getting trapped in a ravine or cutting off our fingers with some random implement. so i beg of you all, take a second to open your eyes and ears. learn something and don't be ashamed to espouse the knowledge of who how to use cash or where to find the bathroom (see, they make these things called signs that are right out there for you to read!) to others. i forgive anne frank lady for her ignorance because i desperately needed to laugh. but really.... i mean, REALLY! what is her life like?

my latest (revived) obsession:
i heart ribbon!

22 October 2008

random side notes - chapter eighteen

let me begin today by regretfully informing my peeps of shocking news. i am an asshole. wait... how shocking could that truly be? so here's what - i haven't called anyone in days. there's no telling the last time i even turned my ringer on. i haven't written one single postcard in the past couple of weeks. my time has been spent alone for the most part. even when i do leave the house, it's to do something in the dark. the effort of dealing with people is too much for me. derek lives here, yes, but we've been like passing ships in the afternoon. my closest buddy as of late has been stuart copeland. note to self: must rejoin the land of the living. must get out of hard crunchy shell.

i love pop music. there. i said it and i'm not ashamed. in fact, it's hard for me to even muster up the urge to feel the shame! irrevocably bad taste (in most cultural things, not just music) is becoming my symbolic badge of honor. how gloriously awful is it that i bought ingrid michaelson's latest cd AND am feeling a strange itch to go see nick and norah's infinite playlist? i'm on a campaign to bring cheesy up to the respectable level of awesome kitsch wonder. it's just like justin timberlake, only i'm bringing tacky back.

are you still my friend? are you dancing in your "i hope no one sees me in these" pj's in anonymous solidarity with me? i knew it. rock on, baby.

is it really possible that i took three naps in one evening? each time i awoke tonight, i would wander through a different part of the house and then pass out again. the next thing i knew it was fast approaching what should be my bedtime. now i'm wide awake and have to be at work in six hours. if not for the fact that i have rehearsal after that, i would really consider just staying up all night and drinking coffee. i enjoy being awake at night.

do you ever just sit around and feel like screaming? me too.

the election is coming and i'm almost sad it will be over soon. i'm holding my breath for the outcome - one can never be overconfident after the last two debacles - but also feel like i've been whipped into a strange frenzy that has my senses heightened. it's. almost. exciting. i think. maybe. don't worry, i'm still a totally jaded eye roller. that's not the sort of excitement i meant. it's more intangible than that. perhaps more the feeling you get when watching a roulette wheel in a casino. even if you didn't have the money to bet, it's still worth keeping your fingers crossed for the other poor bastards out there. yes, jaded, but still holding out hopes that the house doesn't win every single time.

my ever-changing work schedule is partly the cause of my ever-changing sleep schedule. the orther part is my own irresponsibility in getting to bed on time. those close to me are skeptical that i can keep this up without going insane. they must not remember that i like to live on my toes. in my younger days, back when i lived with one or the other of my parents, i could only be myself when i would sneak out of the house for a walk in the middle of the night. no small wonder that i had to be a speed freak pill popper just to get the through each day. naps were frowned upon back then as laziness; at least now i can pass out on the sofa without being judged. it's harder to stay up all hours knowing that i have to drag my ass out of bed and get to work, but the payoff of being in my own house and having a pumpkin cupcake for breakfast is worth the trade off.

pimples under the skin... cruel act of nature, or karma for something really painful i've done to someone else? yeeee-owwzer this thing hurts. i'm not touching it. i just touched it again. i'm not going to touch it again. ouch. this could be a good time for a fake mole (the brown eyeliner pencil sort) to appear above my lip.

really random fact about me:
you'll notice me humming before i do

15 October 2008

mourning becomes autumnal bliss

here in the land of indian summers (yes i do mean an ironic and un-pc reference to my home state and i don't care), i've been sweating. UNTIL TODAY!!! just when i thought my depression would never end. when i woke up this morning... errr, this afternoon, it was finally a crisp and chilly fall day! WHEEEEEE!!!

i'm going to wear long sleeves AND a jacket tonight. just for added measure, i'm even going to fling on a jaunty scarf. holy shit, we have a tivo and i'm wearing a jacket. we went to a craft thing and bought a shark, saw a terrific show at heller (awesome job, nate and erin!) this weekend, and to see the indescribably fabulous - yes, i cried buckets - diavolo last night. i might possibly know some of my lines. i don't have to see customers at work. the taxes are finally done... relatively on time if you count the extension. and it's autumn!!! could this month get any better or what?

this calls for wetting my pants in a public place to celebrate. oh wait, my butt may get cold if i have to sit around in wet pants in the fall. and i've had enough of sitting around in wet pants from all that sweating i did over the summer. wowee, even my chub rub spots feel more sleek today! EEE! we simply must put on the flannel sheets now. on the bed. not on me. but i may wear them as a cape and run around on my balcony like that anyway. hey, that's who i am.

the artistic creations i'm pondering about:
the show i'm directing
the show i'm in
what should i be for halloween?
sewing another tote bag

14 October 2008

what goes on after dark

life is a flurry of activity... at night. we're way behind at work, so i agreed to work all overnight shifts this week. besides giving me an excuse to sleep past noon, late night gives me the added advantage of avoiding all contact with the general public. there really might be something to this for me.

also plodding on are the rehearsals for le show de theatre club. did i mention that i have to learn lines for this?!? honestly, i'm not bad with lines, but it's weirdo absurdism and chock full of nonsequiturs. the brain is idling, the revs are up, but the clutch is certainly slipping. my mind went so far as to produce a stereotypical "actor's nightmare" for me this week. tankoo berry mucho, dream life. ack. i have total faith in my actors. now i need to grow a pair and just roll with it by tech week.

this past weekend derek and i took linsey and her person to the indie emporium. i dragged him to something similar a while back in seattle with bonnie and kelly. it was reminiscent of the urban craft uprising's winter craftacular, only this time i saw more boys in attendance. (was it because they held it at the VFW hall with a cash bar?) derek seemed quasi-interested in some of the items this time, so i bought him a sand painting of jaws. we got the rockin'est goodie bags ever! they had samples and magazines and even packages from sublime stitching. best of all, i did not get new people hangover the day after meeting linsey's boyfriend.

what the fuck is going on with the show heroes? QUOI?!?

stuart copeland is having issues. i don't know when he became so emotionally fickle, but he's been a massive attention hog as of late. his normal method of being adored involves lording over everyone on the back of the couch while snuggling with a fleece blankie, but lately he's even gone so far as to sit right next to me, down on one of the cushions. i am allowed to lay near him, bubba is allowed to sniff him, and he's started talking to himself after he walks out of the room. should i be worried here? maybe he's just being a cat. maybe he's a reincarnated old vegas gambler who is on the prowl for a showgirl and a shot of whiskey. that would explain the muttering.

tonight i'm going to see the contemporary dance troupe diavolo with derek. he gets rather bored at full length ballets, so i thought we should take advantage of some of the choregus shows this year. no dragging was required. so now i'll put on my fanciest socks and take my boy out before i head off to bring home the bacon bits.

favorite guilty pleasures of the week:
a book on mnenomic devices
true blood on hbo
my diet dr. pepper overload
72 things younger than john mccain
ac/dc on the ipod (shut... UP.)

03 October 2008

the drama of it all

once again, we have started rehearsals. both scott and myself were convinced that it would be like ripping the band-aid off a blister. he's been out of town, i've been out of town - life has been distracting. nevertheless, we read through my half of the show last night (scott is directing the other half - wonder twins, activate!) and i can actually see it more clearly now. it no longer feels like a train wreck... yet. that part doesn't come for a couple more weeks.

so if you're coming to town next month, be sure to stop by the nightingale and see TWO! fabulous one act pieces by ionesco all in a single evening. wowee! there. that was my shameless self promotion for the day. i'll remind you later on when we get closer to opening. you're waiting on the edge of your stools, aren't you?

as for shameless promotion of others, go check out the theatre link to tacta and the black box blog. get out of the house, people. there is life beyond the mall. or the bar. go do some shit where you can interact with people. end of lecture.

besides that, my political side is on crack. i'm sitting around waiting for the results of the house bailout vote. if it goes over, can i just say that i'm not paying my debts anymore because i'm waiting for a bailout to be my saviour? we can call it the "i'm waiting for my real parents to come and get me" whine of my financial life.

i also watched the vice presidential debate last night. as expected, maegan called me from la and we went off together on a few things. let it suffice to say that i HATE it when people say the word nuke-you-lerr. not that i was keeping count (at least six) of the times i heard it by a certain person within the first half of the debate. and yes, alaska is a "large state" in total land area, but really... come on. come. on. sofia coppola! (my favorite swear words lately. hey, i can say it at work without having to say motherfucker when i stub my finger. it makes me behave. try it sometime with someone you think has no talent. i bet it'll make you feel better.) and i just couldn't stop thinking about tina fey. sorry. i'm totally susceptible to dorky pop culture. overall, the debate seemed to wash over me without changing many of the things i think about on a daily basis. but then again, my brain can be a highway to a truck stop where you meet large marge along the way. i'm a voter.

my latest mission at work:
to make a certain person quit, because she's a cunt