30 July 2008

it's fucking hot outside

sorry to be of a one track mind, but it's hard to think of much else when you feel sick by the end of each day. i honestly wasn't doing that bad with the weather this year until these past couple of weeks; even up until the beginning of july i was less than whiny. now that i'm sweating buckets by 7 am it's a different story. perhaps i'm just a sweaty girl... a big, swollen, withering bloatation device. as tim might say in his fake southern accent: hee-yulp mey! hee-yulp mey!

so the theatre festival was an entertaining time. i did manage to give away a ton of books from the set of my show, which made the festival crew very happy. one of the directing workshops was quite up my alley, all about composition and such. there were some interesting shows there and we all got to commune with other artfags in good fun. we got some decent feedback on our shows, for the most part. we ate too many waffles at the hotel, of course.

i also got hit on (i think) by a redneck in the bluebell saloon. his name must have been smoky joe one tooth, and his idea of telling me i was "purrrty" was to throw a bar coaster at my head from across the room and flash a rotted out grin in my general direction while the other inbred folk at his table leered at me like i was a baby back rib. adding insult, after i got up from the thousand degrees of karaoke going on in the bluebell and said "okay then, i'm outta here," i walked out the front door and my forehead was attacked by a kamikaze junebug. are those things just out to get me or what? no matter where i am, they always seem to seek out my face for a little fly by marauding.

by the time we got home on sunday afternoon, i was wilty. summer is not the time for me to go outside. some people might even think i have some reverse seasonal thing since i get so little sun after the beginning of june. oh, how i long for autumn. i've even changed my screen to look like changing leaves. so when i walked into the house on sunday and felt like i was going to throw up, it shouldn't have surprised me that i almost immediately passed out. even though i wore a pile of sunscreen and drank water, i was sincerely ill. so if you didn't hear from me for three days this week, it was because i've been spending my time wallowing on the couch in the manner of a sickly flu victim. bleh. liz keeps wrting about how she's being a cranky bitch lately, but i say she's simply in survival mode. it. is. sucky. ass. hot. did i mention that i whine a lot when i'm sweating?

the rest of my day will probably be spent waiting for the sun to go down so that my necklace doesn't leave a scorch mark on my chest when i leave the building. again. if only you could go to an indian food buffet at midnight! my urge for mango custard and naan took over earlier today, and my eyes are still stinging from the drive home. it's times like this that my gratitude for the automated postal machine (and other late/all night methods of getting things done) goes way way up. i do all of my errands like a cat burglar now, slipping in under cover of darkness and then running for my life towards more and better air conditioning.

this would be an excellent time to run my netflix like a bitch and squander all my time watching bad shows on bravo while doing puzzles and sucking back iced tea. thank goodness i'm off work for the rest of the week. that damn phone ringing all the time sent me over the edge.

why mary would be proud of me this week:
my pants went to a tailor to be shortened properly for a change

23 July 2008

summering is a verb

do you know what a heat index is? since some of you don't live with rotisserie chicken summers, i might have to explain it for you. see, the heat index tells you the "feels like" temperature. this means that, while it may only be 99 degrees outside, the heat index makes it feel like about 104 degrees. add in the humidity and you're living in a microwave oven. they have actually issued official heat advisory warnings here this week. this means that any second now, people will literally be in danger of dying from the weather. really. and you thought carcinogens and salmonella were real concerns, didn't you?

so in my further travels, i went to st. louis and columbia with derek last week. it was just a quick jaunt across missouri for a couple of appointments. we had lunch (where i ate something called a ponyshoe: bacon, fries, texas toast, liquid cheese, pepper - yum!) and i properly schmoozed before going off to play word games on my nintendo while they talked about who knows what. on the way home i entertained derek in the car by reading aloud from the new laurie notaro book. and p.s. i think you can be a badass even in a prius.

dear laurie, i too know about terrible weather. this may not be arizona, but it's fucking HOT. the red paint in the no parking zone came off on the bottom of my shoe today and made a melty, sucking noise as i stepped off the curb. my air conditioner started crying last night. i feel your point about the badlands showdown.

tomorrow morning we leave for the theatre festival guthrie. i hope i haven't painted it as a picture of debauchery to derek. in my younger days (she says with a certain sense of irony) we would go and party like rock stars. now i go and get other people into mischief because i revel in being a bad influence. we should definitely get derek a bottle of rum for the occasion and turn him loose with all those artfags. this is coming from the girl who rarely drinks! prepare for total exhaustion, derek.

we did a few shows over the weekend to raise gas and food money. i'm ambivalent at this point. in one way, i'm ready for the break and tired of telling people what to do, as shocking as that might sound. but i also look forward to whatever my next project might be after i return from seattle. oh, and did i mention that my fucking awesome actors got a standing ovation last night? yay for the ladies!

part of the reason i keep getting out there and doing so much stuff lately is to avoid isolating myself. somehow the past couple of years have lent themselves to the slow and quiet closing of a circle. while i realize that being alone and being quiet aren't bad things, it hasn't always been a productive thing for me to cut myself off. there are periods that i need to step back and take in my own life. i need to slow down and get a sense of myself as a way of recharging. it's just that i don't really know how to do that without shutting off the whole grid.

stop. go. these are the speeds i am equipped with. my newest goal is to find a pace that can adjust as needed and not behave like an errant golf cart. it's a bit lofty, but i think i can do it without going on cruise control OR hearing the brakes squeal. how many evenings have you tromped through the house saying something akin to, "i want to do something, but i don't know what. i don't want to go anywhere, but i don't want to stay at home. i don't feel like doing anything, but i don't want to sit around and blob out. i may as well just stand in the doorway. halfway in and halfway out and trying to think of where i'm going and what to do. exactly how entertained do i need to be?!?! why can't i just be here and not be anxious?" surely i can't be the only one.

this must be why i'm a smoker who plays with glue and rearranges her sharpie collection. my fidgeting drives me crazy when i don't know what to do with it. maybe i'll go clean out my purse and go through the receipt graveyard. maybe i should put up the laundry or clean out my closet. and wait for winter to get here.

my crowning achievement of the week:
an itch struck me out of nowhere and i made homemade tortillas for the book review club. yes, i do rock. no one threw up.

14 July 2008

this way and that way - part three

what with all of the shows and rehearsals and other various whatnot lately, i haven't even caught up to myself. it's a good thing i don't really have that much exciting news to report.

then again, megan has a theory that our own lives are much more interesting to other people sometimes than they are to ourselves. see, she thinks it's no big deal to tell some of the stuff she's done (of which i will not reveal anything that juicy... right now) and i think something like hanging off an 18th story window ledge to take snapshots isn't that unusual. everyone's done that, haven't they?

she could definitely have a point.

anyhoo, if you're a regular reader of mary's blog, you know all the rest of girl party 2008 already. the only really funny thing i'll recount - that surely brings with it an ass-kicking from veronica - is our journey to eat ethiopian food. see, we'd been to the place before while visiting dallas. only this time we had to navigate three different cars there and only i had a sally (the name for our GPS unit) in the car. after about two million phone calls back and forth to v's car, kat's car, and my car, we all arrived except for veronica. turns out she was stuck on some sort ramp going over and under a bridge to the correct road. her car had stalled for no apparent reason and she was blocking a shitload of traffic. i know. we saw the shitload. we passed the shitload. and yes, we had even passed her car without realizing it! whoops.

so after the billionth phone call between all of us, she had fucking had it. she called megan to get directions from sally. she called kat to see where the hell everyone was and what the fuck was going on. she called me and i knew better than to answer. i flipped open the phone and stuck it on kat's face, explaining that i couldn't help get v to the restaurant since i live in another state. mostly what i heard at that point was kat telling v the address and then handing things back over to me.

"what the fuck?!? i can't find this fucking place and i got stuck on a ramp! this is bullshit and i'm going home, okay? oh wait! what street is it on? have we been there before? i think i'm almost in the parking lot. hold on, i'm here now. well, fucking shit!!! i'm hungry!"

perhaps not an exact transcript, but you get the idea. yes, veronica, i am laughing right now... from a very safe distance.

lunch was fabulous and everyone finally got to see chez v+travis and pets. we had a great time at the show and even managed to squeeze in more goofiness poolside the next morning. mary and v took the bestest pictures that i'm sighing wistfully over. i even managed to save some of my chinese bakery food all the way until the next morning after we got back here. and of course i walked in the door sporting my new hat. i wonder where our girl party will be next year... woohoo!

until then, i have a few mini-jaunts and maxi-jaunts to keep me occupied. megan and i drove to okc to see carpenter square's production of "debbie does dallas: the musical" last weekend. she was actually in the cast when i directed it (my name is TAMMY!!!) and so this time she finally got a chance to see the hilarity from the other side. not a bad production, i must say, but it needed more bananas. what it lacked in innocence it more than made up for in roller skates. a fun little daytrip, for sure. i've had those songs stuck in my head all week!

next week it's off to guthrie for a theatre festival. then comes the big trip to seattle! did i mention i'll be running away to stay with alice for a whole month? we'll have to take some side trips to oregon and canada for the occasion.

this all comes back to megan's point: these plans and things all sound sort of predictably irrational to me. that's just how my lifestyle works. i do admit that i don't normally travel quite this much, but the craziness aspect of it is simply average to me. to other people it all seems fascinating and cool. funny how we're always boring to ourselves.

why i didn't leave the house today:
my pajamas wouldn't let me. they held me hostage because i finally had a day where i had not one fucking place to be! besides, i had a feng shui attack and communed with the paper shredder.

12 July 2008

this way and that way - part two

okay, so i've been bogged down with teaching summer camp and mooooooooore directing. sometimes all i want to do is come home at night and stare off into space. sometimes at night that's pretty much all i do. i haven't even been able to focus enough to finish the new david sedaris and laurie notaro books. since when can't i finish those two authors?!? little kids wear me out something awful, even if they do make me laugh.

of course my role in camp was "the enforcer" and i made someone cry. ouch, she's even really sweet. then i had to run off to the next room so i wouldn't cry for making a little kid cry. oh, don't worry - she got over it in a matter of seconds. theatre camp is no place to be if you can't handle some criticism. did i cry this much when i was younger?

girl party 2008 was totally fun. mary flew in to tulsa and we got in my bug with holly and megan for the drive down to dallas. did you know they sell the most awesome hats at the truck stop along the way? one stop for gas turned into a rural oklahoma fashion show at the love's country store. and i must say, we were quite entertaining to the podunk redneck set. i thought i'd be able to get through my existence here without ever owning a cowboy hat. fate stepped in and i was convinced to buy a straw model with a green strap. holly's is even better, what with her feather flair! megan and mary got fabulous "mafia princess" sun hats for the pool.

what am i saying? we got them to go to ikea! to eat meatballs! IKEA! no i am not obsessed with ikea. it's a group field trip thing. i realized that i've never been there alone. it's not like going to target to pick up some vitamins and toilet paper. (though it's never as fun going to target alone, you know.) you simply must go to ikea with other people and gossip in the cafeteria while admiring your tiny kitchen doodads and throw rugs. wearing big hats while doing that is only a bonus.

big hats paired with road trip clothing are also charming during happy hour at the margarita ranch. that's the best time to be the designated driver. first, you get megan and mary and holly just a teensy bit plowed. then, you kiss veronica bye-bye to go to her show and take the other three to the container store in suburban dallas so you can watch them drunkenly shop while you have this sort of exchange with them...

mary: GEORGE!!!
george: look! this is cute!
george: yes. yes it is.
mary: i can't feel my face.
george: wanna go get some gelato?
mary: oooh, look! cute! trashcan!

as you might have guessed, mary is NOT normally a drinker.

the next day we got together with veronica and kat to see a movie. woohooo, six chicks going to see "sex and the city" together! maybe it just the girl party thing, but i was all sorts of ready to watch a chick flick and get emotional. i may not have been a crying person as a child, but apparently i am now.

why i need coffee today:
ouch! a morning rehearsal!
yet another show this evening
my to-do list is overflowing with unchecked do's