on the telephone

most people have one or two best friends. most people also have really asinine conversations with their best friends late at night when topics wander. you'll be happy to know that i am no different, and neither is mary.


when it goes downhill...
mary: haven't you been reading in touch? britney spears is hanging around paris hilton and not wearing any panties. i don't know what she's thinking.
me: hanging around who? that's a good way to lose her kids.
mary: it's gross. she's making k-fed look good at this point.
me: let's all bless k-fed for a second. we're used to seeing things the other way around. we usually see the sienna millers of the world. he's changed all that.
mary: yes, he's pretty savvy. maybe he's paying paris to hang out with britney. that way she'll look bad and he'll get the kids. which is worse - paris or k-fed? it's sad when that's a hard choice.
me: both of them drive drunk. i bet he's giving her all he has left now. his weenie. his weenie in exchange for her and britney. then he can trade over to paris when it's all done.
mary: maybe he's smarter than we think.
me: oh yeah, he's just waiting it out now. then he can take her money, too. and paris has even more than britney.
mary: the last thing i need to see in life is another shot of britney's stubble-crotch. put on some panties!
me: i can't believe i'm so behind in my gossip. wait! i hope that's not the link you're posting in your blog for my birthday.


later on...
mary: tim and i are playing video games together lately to spend more time hanging out. i'm actually starting to like it.
me: is he the dungeon master?
mary: no, it's not dungeons and dragons. nobody is the dungeon master.
me: i mean that in a general sense. like being the banker.
mary: oh i see, of course. no i don't think so. i roll the dice on the computer and then cast spells. it landed on something and i told it to do magic. "now i'm casting a magic missile." then i thought, oh my gosh did i really just say that?
me: you know what? it's arbor day in the dork forest for you - and you've just planted a baby tree of your very own. you know that, don't you?
mary: we're just trying to spend time together!
me: hey, i'm just saying. happy arbor day.

and then...
mary: you know that movie where there's something about "have you seen my dad?"
me: prelude to a kiss?
mary: no! i'm talking about finding nemo. what the hell are you talking about?
me: well, they lost that old guy and then he took her body. i've never even seen finding nemo, so how would i know what's in it?
mary: are you sure? nobody lost their dad in that. they just switched places and then she started flossing all the time.
me: but the old guy escaped his family!
mary: you're so confused.

it gets better...
me: you could buy a new TT while you're at home on your visit and then drive it back to north carolina. when tim gets a new car then nick wants his mazda.
mary: they only have one ausi dealership here, and they didn't have the right ones in stock. they won't get more until spring. all that was there was the... oh what's the word for that? recycled? no that's not it. for when the top comes off.
me: sure, a recycled car. you mean a convertible?
mary: yeah that's it. they only had the roadster convertibles.
me: you were making fun of me for confusing two movies, one of which i had never seen. now you can't tell the difference between recycled and convertible?!?
mary: well that's different. my two things are related.
me: i think i should go to bed soon.