derek is full of shit

this is the title of today's entry because, well, derek is full of shit. i don't know who told him that he's some kind of philosphizing wizard, but he's now gone mad with pontificating power. what. the. fuck?!?!

okay fine, you say, he's just expressing himself. let him get out there and be who he is, explore the inner life, blah bitty blah bitty fucking blah. that's all fine and good for you, my peeps. YOU don't have to live with his obsessive side. YOU don't have to listen to his idiotic theories on fuck knows what. YOU get to hide away, safe in your homes and away from his "you have to sleep SOMEtime" get back at me for making fun of him rantings. aren't you the lucky ones? oh, and don't think he doesn't know i'm sitting across the living room from him and talking about what an ass hat he is. we have a living and honest relationship around here. ass hat, i tell you. one step closer to being the ass-hole he wants to be. damn if we all don't know already that he's a perfect little saint who's so wonderful and sweet that it makes me want to barf like a girl with an eating disorder.

wait - didn't i already have an eating disorder? he's a hazard to my health! stop him before i get thin again! i don't wanna buy new pants. it's too complicated dealing with the lighting in those dressing rooms and i'm not making enough money to replace my entire wardrobe. but i digress.

i suppose i should just pump up his ego by nodding and smiling. or perhaps by telling him that's he's achieved his ass-hole goal. but he's still just an ass hat like it or not. if only i could get him to shut up about quantum physics and other things he knows butt about, i could probably get the house cleaned and look like the perfect little companion to saint derek. effing dork. freak. underpant neurotic weirdo. yes dear yes dear... i'm listening.

for now i will just turn him loose to binge on educational and home-oriented television ("look! i know how to make that shelf. i saw it on HGTV!") while i babble about the stupider side of life. i'll go on making the lowbrow into highbrow and making the highbrow into lowbrow, while never waxing an eyebrow. i might even bust out with the inerrupting cow knock knock joke when you least expect it. all things flippant and goofy are my tonic. that's where the REAL philosophy is... everyone knows that.


something i saw on amazon: whatever, the 90's pop and culture box set