there are some days where it's difficult for me to leave the house. it's much easier to sit here and feel sorry for myself while shuffling about in pajamas and aimlessly wallowing. i'm relieved about the move away from suckifornia. i'm pleased about the way things are going for me at work. this city is an okay place and all, but... but... well...
so what's a girl to do when feeling so very ho hum?
viewer warning:
the following is an actual train of thought that comes upon me when i'm in this sadsack state of mind. i am a trained expert. do not try this at home.
"ugh, i'm in a new place again and nobody likes me. i wish i could just call someone to come over and keep me company while i do the dishes. if i were around my people i would just drag one of them out to go look at stuff and we could have a good time just making fun of people. maybe i should try that with people now, but it just takes so much energy to make friends and be sociable. it's so hard just to be around people and feel like i'm not alienating them. oh hell. i really am alienating them. how will i know unless i call them up and invite them out? i don't want to have anyone over to the house because i haven't finished unpacking. i don't even want to finish unpacking. waht do i need friends here for anyway? i can just call one of the friends i already have and talk to them while i clean the house. but i don't really feel like cleaning the house either. oooh, look at that. my belt can go in another notch. guess that means i can eat some cookies now. how about i get out the cheese and the remote control and just stare into space for a while? i really should get out of the house more and make an effort. other people should be making the effort with me because i'm funny. i'm damn funny. people have a great time when they're around me... unless i'm being a bummer. am i a bummer? is that why i have no friends? wait a minute, i have some people i could call and they would want to get out and do something. ugh, then i have to think of something to do. it's so much easier to just not do it. i like being in my pajamas. if i go out then i would have to pick out clothes and brush my hair. i'll just clean the house. maybe someone will call while i'm cleaning and entertain me. why do i even bother trying to meet new people when it takes so much effort? you know, i'd rather just spend some time alone anyway. unless someone calls me... but i hate being on the phone, so i can only talk for so long. then i'll be all alone again except for derek being in the house. is he getting sick of me yet? he's always in the house. i wish he would leave for a while so i could be alone. i'm never alone anymore, but i hate talking to people. maybe he'll leave so i can shuffle around without any guilt. i hate it when he catches me just staring into space and thinking really hard about nothing. it beats getting out there and bring frustrated with everything. things are so frustrating. fuck fuck fuck. maybe i'll just sit here and feel sorry for myself because no one likes me. that's why they don't call. don't they know i don't want to go out anyway? i hate going to bars and that's all people want to do. ick. let's go do something else once i get dressed. i have some jeans that are clean and i can always wear a hat so that i don't have to mess with my hair. how is it that people spend their time? i think i'll just sit here and then take out the trash later on. oh jeez, i'm probably just going to take a nap. then i'll be up late again and all sleepy tomorrow. i don't have plans for tomorrow anyway so who cares if i'm napping. maybe i'll check my email again. maybe i'll go see what's in the kitchen and make some coffee. oh i'm so unmotivated right now. no wonder i don't have any friends, but people really do like me, you know. of forget it. fuck."
and so on and so on. it gets way more pathetic as the day goes on, but you get the general idea of it. see, you're not the only one who thinks like that. speaking of scooby doo, that whole ramble reminds me of more napping. or sleeping. or something like where i'm not up all night.
the funniest snippet of this week's phone calls:
me - a real character, huh?
maegan - and i've known a few good ones in my life. some really crazy ones. i've even been taught how to douche by another woman in spanglish.
me - did you say in spanglish? what?!?
2 comments:
So...is douching done differently in Spanglish? Never mind. I don't really want to know.
I live in a town full of people I know, and I still spend many days having those same thoughts. You're homesick--what's my excuse? Guess I'm just pathetic. Or tired. So tired. (Yes, it's definitely a good thing there are rehearsals coming up soon.)
oh liz, i know that feeling. i got it at home sometimes too, so it's only partly a homesick thing. it's like, "what do people DO with their time?? how entertained do i really need to be?" if i could figure out how to shake that feeling i could bottle the solution and make a fortune!
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