oh yeah, just remembered something. i was supposed to be doing chapter ten of the random for you. well you know what? i'm high as a fucking kite on little gel pills right now. whoop a dee dooooooo, as they say in the wedding singer. is the drunken dialing next for me? it would be an option, if the phone weren't alllll the way across the room from me. it's hard enough to get the motivation to get up and go pee, as opposed to just wetting my pants and cleaning the carpet later on. hey, it was good enough to wet the bed until i hit junior high, so why not?
i mean.. uhhhh.... never mind. i never said that. you never heard that. i never wet the bed. allegedly. tracy did it. it was all her fault. she was the one who invited me to spend the night and put the fear of pee in me, only to tell me the next day that she sometimes wet the bed. so maybe i did blame it on her, but maybe - just maybe - she's the one who did it anyway. bet she did. sure. yeah. big ups to me for being a tweenager who could control my bladder for a whole eight hours.
achoo! sniffle. grrrrrrr... loogies.
and just so you know something else, i expected ralph nader to be nicer. not that he was mean, but a little short with some of the employees when he came by unannounced and all puffed up la dee dah like he was he-man last week. i much prefer the kind of person that calls ahead and makes all goofy like with the peasants. dance, monkey, dance! give us a good freaking show! bring out the dancing poodles!
but i digress.
this is all meant to say that you should never pop the green death flavored pill and get back on the computer. it's not like anyone is making you spout off in the wee hours of... oh wait. it's only 11 fucking o'clock. it's not even late. i'm just being a big jackoff for no reason, eh? it's mary's fault. shes scared me with all that la quinta trauma this weekend, and i haven't had coffee in three days. or maybe i didn't have coffee becaus i was sick and switched over to hot tea to save my voice, but that didn't work anyway, so even though i did finally have some coffee today i'm still on some kind of detox tremor freakout. is this the part where i blame it all on mary? sheesh, i really am lost here.
in any case (and furthermore), derek bought me a new jar of peanut butter. he bought me jif because the store didn't even have any peter pan on the shelves after the big PB scandal. jif is okay, but it's not what i like. don't think i'm losing my shit or anything here, even though i might be just a bit foggy, but i like peanut butter to taste more like peanut butter than like peanuts. you're following me here, i can see. it's not that i don't like peanuts, but i like peanut butter more. and if i'm going to eat nuts, my favorites would be cashews or macadamias. but just keep them out of my ice cream. ice cream doesn't need big honking chunks. it needs vanilla and cream. and fuck those damn pecans that people wanna put in every damn thing they can hold still and bake. you try being a little kid who gets forced to collect pecans from the mud while a big ford truck rams into a tree to shake all the nuts down to the ground right behind you righ before it runs over them to grind them further into the mud while you're trying to fill up that stupid paper sack so you can go home and have to make chocolate chip cookies with pecans when you don't even like chocolate in the first place. then we'll see how much you like fucking pecans.
but before i get to riled up, perhaps we should just call it a night. i have to go chew on some more vitamin c and blow my nose again. drip drip drip. wow, it's time to wander off to bed before i fall over again. my foot already went to sleep, so i guess i should follow suit, if i can stagger to the bed before the pins and needles set in and i start screaming and flailing like veronica when she gets all whooped up in a tizzy. you know i love you, vee, but your flailing is legendary... and i mean that in the most complimentary way.
fucking pecans.
what you simply MUST google today:
how to prank a telemarketer
2 comments:
I LOVE chunks in my ice cream. The more, the better. That's why Ben and Jerry are my boyfriends. They know about chunks.
i remain anti-chunk, even after sobering up. i do support crumbles of graham cracker, tiny bits of fruit, or strings of syrupy stuff like caramel or honey.
shocking as it is, vanilla bean is my fave.
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