in my house, we do not celebrate xmas. this is because we do not like it. (and i'm not being the overbearing bitch that's speaking for derek against his will here. he really doesn't like it either, even if he doesn't brace himself against it in the same way i do.) to most people i know, it's a joyous and wonderful time of year when blah-bitty blah-bitty blah. ummmm, yeah. what. ever. to me, the "holiday season" brings out the absolute worst in people. resentment, jealousy, greed, bitterness, anger, loneliness, impatience, haughtiness, overindulgence. yep, a veritable poo poo platter of what i struggle each day not to become. and yet, each year i tell myself that "this time i'm not going to let it get to me" when we start seeing xmas items in august.
didn't we used to wait until at least halloween? when the fuck did the end of the year begin before kids even go back to school? QUOI?!?
but i digress. this time i'm not going to let it get to me. no, really. i'm making a preeemptive strike against the rage. not only am i going to do my usual non-shopping month of december, but i've also decided to begin a regimen of... oh, this kind of sucks to admit, but i'm now officially trying an antidepressant again. i have given myself permission, for now, to be a crazy person and pop a pill, whether it be temporary or experimental or whatever else happens. i'm going to take mary's advice and look at it like taking a pill for allergies or asthma.
yeeesh. my shoulders are squeezed up next to my ears when i think about the reality of it. on the other hand, we've hit day two without any major snags yet. my most prominent preliminary side effect (and don't let ANYone tell you that there aren't side effects from day one of a pill that needs time to cycle through you before getting it full whatnot going on, because they're a fucking liar if they do) is the bizarre urge to make funny noises with my face. i'm a chicken! i'm a bullhorn! i'm a kitty cat! i'm a t-rex! it's mostly so i won't clench my jaw and give myself a headache. nevertheless, it's giving my facial muscles a workout (is this like doing crunches for my cheeks or am i becoming joan crawford in facial strength without even using the aid of a sleeping mask?) and entertaining derek immensely when he hears these odd noises coming from my general direction. bawk bawk bawk.
this is not the first time i've taken a crazy pill. tried in different combinations over the years, i had given up on the idea of doing it again. maybe i don't like the stigma. maybe i got the idea that i should just suck it up and get on with my life. maybe i simply don't like having to remember to take pills. i'm trying to keep an open mind this time, giving myself the option of switching or stopping if i don't think it's going well. the nice thing is, my doctor did not try to push anything on me. we've actually been discussing it for some time. this was the first time he went so far as to write it down and give me the option to go pick them up without saying "let me know" and having me go home to think about it first. jeez, i must have looked pretty blech when i went to see him yesterday. so does this mean that when i want drugs all i have to do is get up early and not drink any coffee or comb my hair? good tidbit to know.
oh, and i'm not going to read (any more than i already have) about other people who've taken this particular pill, because all that does is make me feel like i'm a fucking freak. or like it's the pill of doom. when i get a prescription of any kind, from now on i'm just going to mindlessly take it and decide how well i like it or if i never want to take it again without the foreshadowing prejudice of the internet looming over me. that's what i did back when i was a party animal and it worked out just fine for me then, too. when you're neurotic, there IS such a thing as too much information. clicking through to links of supreme scariness will not help. i asked the name of the pill, what it was, and when to take it - that's enough for me right now.
bawk bawk bawk. rrowwwrrrr.... woohoo!
something to make you laugh:
go to the onion and find the clip about the money hole
4 comments:
Hell...I sat near the bathtub last week after a Really bad day at work. Now keep in mind, not in the tub but near it. So I assume this is progress right? Do gummy bears count as pill therapy? we have a whole jar near the sofa. I am with Mary on this one...look at it as medicine for allergies or as Cortaid for rashes. Or Immodium for doody gremlins.
I absolutely have to do the google thing whenever I take a pill, have a symptom, think I might have a symptom. I've decided to rationalize this compulsion by reminding myself that I started out my college life as a pre-med major, and truly have an interest in medicine. Not that I'm a bit crazed.
I'm living with a chicken that thinks it's a monkey while imitating a T-rex...
whooohoo!
v - only NEAR it? you're doing great! my alternate pill therapy has always been tic tacs, but with the invention of gummy vitamins, i would say that gummy bears definitely count as a good placebo.
liz - this way i can treat it as a recreational drug and reclaim my youth in a controlled setting.
bawk bawk woooooo!
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