i didn't get the part. it's actually not bad news. the girl who did get it is completely adorable and perfect for the show, so i'm not even worried about it. the better news is that liz did the get part i wanted her to get; the part that we all secretly wanted to have anyway. it looks to be a really fun production. wheee!
there is a possibility that i'm doing okay on medication... for now. (still obviously very suspicious of this stuff, ain't we?) you know those really weepy commercials for the ASPCA that sneak up on you without warning? i got ambushed by damn sarah maclachlan and sad pets the other night and started sniffling right away. so my personality is not completely dead to the world. it's better if these things get sprung on me without notice so that i can gauge my reaction WITHOUT trying to put myself in a state of basket case to test the results.
speaking of which, the shopping trip for a coffeemaker was apparently derek's test to see if i would freak out and crumble into a pile on the floor of target. which is something i've done before, sitting there like i have to pee with my face turning white and my head sweating while i rock back and forth in a daze, all the while refusing to get up and leave the store. my nervous breakdowns in public have style, i tell you. this time we managed to get out of there with only a minimal spell of "am i making the right choice here?" and foot shuffling. tempting fate, i forced him to stop by walgreen's on the way home and had another small but important success.
my face is still a little sore but getting better. tim and mary both noted that i have the tendency to make bizarre noises all the time anyway. isn't it strange how you don't notice your own little habits until they're totally amplified? the constant yawning is odd. i went into a crazytown riff yesterday about it, wondering if all this yawning means that i'm not getting enough oxygen to my brain and if the pills are giving me brain damage and how i'm going to end up a giant clucking and barking potato head.
moments of irrationality still intact? check! ability to still engage in wild spiraling for no reason? check! pulling myself together - how the fuck did that happen? i don't know if i'm comfortable with that. maybe i'll just have to look at it as a dip in the mania to make myself feel better. my anxiety and moodiness is an integral part of what gives me the energy to do things. it's too disturbing to think that... i'm not even going to say it. making these sorts of steps leads me into needing a psychological placebo to reassure me that i am still myself.
why i'm relaxed anyway:
got a haircut this morning. don't you just love it when someone else washes your hair for you?
4 comments:
let me just say that that THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING AN EPISODE IN TARGET. Target loves me unconditionally. Now if you decide to have hissy prissy fit and throw yourself onto the mercy of a Cherry Street Sidewalk...call me. love, senorita prissy britches.
The drawback to cutting my own hair is that nobody washes it for me. Maybe I need to talk somebody into coming over occasionally to rub my head. Hee.
I wish there had been another younger part in the play, so you could have joined the fun, but you're right...how could Julie not cast a Brazilian woman AS a Brazilian woman, in Tulsa? When's that ever gonna happen again?
Hopefully your medication will allow you to cycle smoothly and evenly between little highs and little lows. I think that's the way life seems best. I hate getting stuck in the between place all the time. Fortunately, I seldom get stuck on the mountaintop or in the valley, but flat land all the time is no fun, either.
vee, at least you have the good sense to abandon your cart in target and go outside to throw your fit. i could learn a thing or two from that.
liz, did you read through yet? is it as fabulous as i think? let me know when you wanna fork over for a haircut. my guy is great, though i still miss tanya.
Damn that Sarah MacLachlan! Glad I'm not the only one ;)
-Megan
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