your shameful colon and jael

derek is torturing me. we're watching penn and teller. is it a sign that you're running out of ideas when you do a "bullshit" about colon cleansing?

do you REALLY want to know what's in your colon? do you really want to walk through an oversized model that lets you analyze the walls of a colon? okay, so maybe that part sounds kind of cool and all, but i sooooo soooo soooooo did not need to see that photo of penn's colonostomy on the screen. did i mention that the DVR is set to autorecord this show?

this is to say (to liz) that we all have shameful television habits. i admit it! though no longer a wednesday night slave to the bravo channel, i do watch complete trash. my latest endeavor involves hosting a potluck dinner while making fun of america's next top model. you're all invited. we hit the 5-second-back replay button in moments that merit particular jest. i.e. whenever they fall down, cry, say something even dumber than you thought they could, or anytime we're trying to understand jael. seriously, that girl has some speech impediments from hell. "yaaaaa, i rallee wannna bee muurricuzzz nixt top maulll." she had better be way high on drugs. or have plenty of paralyzed facial muscles.

but i am cool for watching ugly betty. i don't just watch it for salma hayek. never mind that she's not even on it anymore. never mind that salma is the sexiest fucking woman on earth. the show is cool. not, it's better than that. it is KEWL BEANS, DUDE. i want to take justin to the park and let him burst into song. think he's available to perform at my next birthday party? child stars should take work where they can get it, lest they turn out to be blathering junkie types, like jael.

let's just get one thing straight right here: king of the hill never gets old. bobby hill is my hero and he will make me laugh until the end of time. i don't know you! THAT'S MY PURSE! sorry. just had to get that one in before i actually said it out loud. now you're saying it out loud. i can hear you.

let's not even go into my past tv watching habits. although i will defend some of my poorer sitcom choices of youth to the death, i have no damn excuse for small wonder. maybe i was on drugs then. maybe i was under house arrest and had no cable. maybe i was jael at the time.


the best thing holly said on the phone:
i'm flying chiquita airlines to greensboro
(you mean chataqua, right??!? CHIQUITA? wha...?!??!)

i love you, holly.