if you are like me, which you are and you know it, because i'm totally way cool, and so you want to be like me, that's the obvious answer, then you will appreciate my ability to make even a run on sentence seem correct, mostly because you know how to put enough commas in it to make people forget that you have yet to use a period, and who wants to have a period anyway, right, since those things are just wretched, so instead you divert people's attention to trying to remember what the hell this was supposed to be about, and oh yeah, it's a travel entry.
at least that's my story. maybe the trip is twisting my little brain. since my latest alter ego has surfaced, i feel that rock rolling all over the place. bonnie will be glad to know that "the agitator" is in some sort of slumber for the moment. yay! no tornados for seattle this year! perhaps i'm just learning how to harness mt powers correctly. or better and stuff, ya know.
any-hoooos, i have a few handy tips for travelling all the way across the country. people who travel just love to get travel tips from those of us on a budget. and i'm talking about an actualy budet - not that fake"on a budget" shitty magazine fakeness. fuck those people. they think it's budget to stay in a three star hotel for two hundred a night. WHAAAA...?!?!?! instead, i've got tips from the trashy end of life. not very trashy tips, but real life experience. like to hear 'em? here it goes!
1. if you book an overnight flight, expect to sit next to a baby. expect a whiny toddler to be sitting in the row behind the baby. expect to feel like crying yourself, because you're wondering what you did to deserve this, and if the airlines are thinking about instituting child-free flights at any point. oh please oh please oh please.
2. don't expect any brotherly love OR flight information when you get to philadelphia. you will ask at least five people what the hell is going on. they will, in turn, act like it's all your fault that they didn't post your flight or gate on any info board in the entire airport. be happy that you got to walk at least two full miles over the course of an hour (with all your baggage in tow) and get that cardio going.
3. you will wait about eleven hours to have a cigarette and people at the airport will wonder why you're testy. you will be dying for coffee but only get a thimblefull. you will realize that you forgot your comb and your hair looks nappy. you will stop giving money to people to cure cancer, because you've decided that it's waaaayyy more important for them to get on that whole teleporter thing.
4. you will think that the hardest part of the trip is over, only to realize the next day that you can freak out under even the happiest of circumstances. you will then beg like a crazy ass hobo twat for someone to get you a chili dog. you will cry about shopping for a new bra when you're supposed to be on vacation (but all your bras broke) and then suddenly a chili dog shop will appear and you'll feel like an asshole for wigging over something so stoooopid. you will scarf the chili dog anyway, though.
5. you will actually ask someone to put the cats on the phone. you will wonder if you've lost your mind for a moment, then remember that these are your version of children. you will tell anyone who makes fun of you to stick it.
6. don't expect not to have a nervous breakdown. it's inevitable. don't expect to have a less than stellar time. stellar is just as inevitable as breakdowns.
7. figure out what souvenir and goodie doodads you can mail back to yourself so that you don't have to worry about toting back more than you brought with you on the trip. going through airport security blows anyway, but it's easy to remember that it sucks for the people who work there as well.
8. drink plenty of water. bring headache pills. don't forget your comb.
that's all i have for you so far. i can only hope that the next flight is boring and sleepy. at least i bought a comb. if i can reach the computer after eating like a fat girl, you'll hear more about north carolina and oklahoma in the next few days. if not, i'm in a cheese coma and they've taken me to the emergency room to be cut out of my pants. and i hate shopping for new pants. let's hope i can keep it in check. locopops, here i come!
what i got out of the art-o-mat:
A FINGER PUPPET!!!
5 comments:
My dog went to stay with "Granny and Grandpa" while I was in Louisiana, and when I called to check in, my mother insisted on putting him on the phone. She also pulled out the hide-a-bed in the living room so she could sleep with him (not enough room in the regular bed for him and her and my dad and their grumpy chihuahua, and she didn't want him to be lonely). See--I come by the crazy naturally.
I'm travelling to Winnipeg next weekend and even though the flight is only 2.5 hours, I am going to take all of your advice. In fact, I'm going to see if I can get rebook my flight to go through Philly. Who wants a direct flight anyway? Not me! Oh, but I'm not going to bring a comb. My hair doesn't like combs or brushes. It's curly and therefore a complete brat.
And...finger puppets are awesome.
It was nice to see you in Tulsa
I started reading Liz blog...its cool
let me know if you get this comment
tried a few times and it so far has not worked
I always wanted to start a zine. We should start a zine. and included in the zine should be travel tips for the working poor.
Also, recipes.
We should do this. Maybe an online zine? Or are those blogs now? Bah.
I wuv you!
yay! julie figured out how to work the comments on blogger! woohoooo!!!
zhen, i read about your trip and your new home sounds terrific.
tanya, there is a real market for actual budget travel that doesn't include hippies and patchouli. you should really get that site started.
liz, between your parents and g-parents, i see how you got that zoo going now.
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