06 April 2007

crazy ass hobo twat

during my lunch hour, i like to get out and take a short walk. sometimes i go to the market and get bananas or run errands. other times i just stroll around looking at the world, maybe stopping in to say hello to some of the people i know that work near me. the biggest benefit of my walk, in my view, is to leave the building and get some fresh air. i don't even care if it's windy or raining; it's just nice to get out for a bit. i often call mary or rhiannon and chat randomly for a few moments or leave voicemail for my peeps that are at still work. these lunchtime walks are usually a pleasant addition to the rest of my day. they give me time to think and observe, time to breathe in new things. it's relaxing... most of the time.

yesterday i left the building after having some noodles. i thought i would wander over to the benches across the street and call mary to check in on her real estate madness. so i crossed the street and headed towards what looked like a nice hobo-free spot that wasn't completely surrounded by pigeons. there i was, toodling along, smoking and reaching for my phone. that's when i saw a skanky looking chick coming towards me. my first instinct rightly told me to just walk away and forget about the bench, which should have taken care of it, but she kept on coming after me. "excuse me, ma'am... MA'AAAAAAAM. hey! MA'AAMMMM! can i buy a cigarette from you?"

mary taught me well that i should try to be polite in rejecting these people. it does no good to be nasty to the hobos when you're turning them down. "no thank you!" i said in my best chirpy little mary voice. it was fucking perky, i tell you. according to her theory, it freaks people out when they're asking you for money/food/smokes/etc. and they get confused, thereby just leaving you alone. does this usually work? yes. i highly recommend this method. you can't be accused of ignoring people, but you still look sweet. would i recommend trying it on yesterday's stupid ass bitch twat? hell no. i did it, and this is when the beggar from hell turned on me.

"what? what the fuck kind of response is that?!?!? WHAT?!?! you fucking bitch! FUCK YOU!!! FUCK OFF!!!" somewhere during her screaming at me, i saw something that looked like chunks of bread, or maybe a handful of cashews, flying past my left shoulder at high speed. the idiot was throwing food at me! my polite rejection drove her to throwing things at me! i turned at looked at her, then made a slightly "whaaa...?" kind of body gesture, the kind where you cock your head and turn your palms up while squinting your eyes and shaking your head in confusion. i think i let out a tiny PFFT noise and walked away. (still proudly smoking and clearly holding on to my pack of smokes, thank you very much.) that was the extent of my retaliation. honestly. i didn't even say "whatever" or anything like that. it felt good to know that my initial reaction was NOT to kick her ass, but simply to get away from this crazy hobo.

but truly... really... i mean, COME ON! what the fuck was that shit? i don't give her my stuff and she gets to scream and throw stuff at me? i'm not sure when that became common practice on the street. it's not as if i'm going to magically change my mind and give you anything after you get psycho and pitch a fit. on a more practical note: if she's a drug addict transient, shouldn't she be hoarding her food? she could at least trade it for some booze or meth, or gee, maybe for that cigarette she was trying to get from me. it's no good wasting it on me. i'm a moving target who isn't afraid to make a scene.

i kept on walking, deciding that a cozy bench and chatty phone call was not in the cards for me on this particular day. as i rounded the corner, though, i began to get really irritated. no - more like steamed. i was totally irate. there were visions going through my head of beating this woman into the sidewalk. what right do people have to act like that and then try to ask for anything in return? i left a voicemail with veronica, called mary to bitch, and finally just went back inside to contemplate my next move. and when i say move, i mean it in a literal sense. if this is the way people act around here, then fuck this. i have better things to do than get food pelted at my head while i'm on my break. this is worse than the greenpeace clipboard people that hunt you down (repeatedly) to harass you on the street. "do you care about the environment?" "do YOU care that i'm only on a short break and you're totally fucking pissing me off right now?!?!" hobos, clipboard people, protestors, scientologists. it's a zoo filled with the straw that broke the camel's back.

maybe it's MY fault. maybe i should just get used to it. maybe it's my problem for living here, for working where i do. maybe those girls who wear short red dresses are ASKING FOR IT and they should just keep their mouths shut and take it when you bend them over the hood of a car without their consent. right? well piss on that. i'm not taking the rap for their behavior. i've got a bad case of road rage from just walking down the street. we'll call it sidewalk rage.

i didn't go out for a nice walk today. i just paced up and down the sidewalk (smoking, of course) out in front of work and glaring at anyone who even remotely made eye contact with me. if i can't get people around here to behave, at least i can get them to leave me alone. fuck off, greenpeace. you make me wanna buy a huge SUV and drive it over a dolphin. don't even get me started on the succession of other camel back straw types we encountered last night, even after leaving downtown. that's right, you pussy bitches. just keep on walking and don't even consider talking to me.

so much for making new friends, huh?


the best news of the day:
veronica's latest show opened tonight, and she is having a riot of a time! fun (PAID!) theatre things for vee! yay!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hey George, that bitch obviously doesn't know who she's messin with! I just love the fact that you are harping on Greenpeace and there is an ad for an environmental toilet next to it. HA.

lizgwiz said...

Once, when I was on the subway in New York, a guy came panhandling down the center of the car. Nobody gave him anything, of course, so he launched into a verbal tirade much like the one you described. Oh yeah, that really made us want to give money to him. He left the car briefly, then came back in all contrite, and apologized at length...then asked for money again. Everybody started laughing at him, and he started spewing again as he left the car. It was hilarious.

The only successful panhandler I ever saw on the subway was a pitifully skinny old guy with a tracheostomy, shuffling along with a cup in front of him. He never said a word, but people were throwing their change into his cup.

georgeious said...

ladonna! wish i could've seen the ad on my page. that cracks me up. hope things at the store are great, and congrats on another year of bid-ness.

liz, no kidding. am i supposed to suddenly WANT to give you stuff if you start to scream at me? and yeah we have "shakee-cuppee" types around town here too. they shove the cup in your face while you're on the phone.

from now on i'm going to be nicer to the real change newspaper people. at least they're doing something and trying to be a little productive.