todd parr! (and the idiot parade)

enamoured as i am with children's books, there has been a small collection of certain authors gathering bulk on my shelves for some time now. there is dr. seuss (of course) and roald dahl sitting there next to bang on the door and todd parr. i even still have some old richard scarry left over from when i was actually a little kid and bought things from the scholastic books flyer! no pigeon books just yet, but i'm eyeing them with a certain need. it's odd... even though we're not having any kids, i still love having these books around me. they make me feel warm and safe in the best way when needed. anyhoos, imagine my surprise when, upon musing that todd parr lives in california and maybe we could go to a signing, i opened my email to discover that he was indeed going to be here this weekend. oh anti-woe to me.

yesterday was todd parr day over at storyopolis! derek took me to meet the man in the flesh after we got supercharged on crullers at the donut shop. todd introduced some new books and answered questions after he got done drawing pictures of monkeys and reading aloud to kids, parents, and us. before i get ahead of myself, i must note that my love of his books goes all the way back to the day i bought "this is my hair" shortly after moving to nashville. the art is so poppy and bright that it was easy to get hooked. at some later point, i found a deck of okay cards - the ones that say it's okay to this or that - and plastered them on my living room wall. veronica totally covets my okay cards and loves the artwork, so i called her before we left for the bookstore to tell her about the big event. then i called her when we were getting there. and perhaps in an act of nervous twitter, i called her again after we bought "the family book" for me and a surprise book for veronica. that was while stood in line to get a signature in her book.

"omigod, you're there right now? i bet you're like, just a few feet away. really, can you see him from where you're standing now?" she asks. "okay, so whatever you do, please don't say something stupid-"
"i know," i sigh in rememberance, still shuddering. "something stupid, apparently. i'll come up with something better this time. i won't do that one again."

we are referring to the time i met eddie izzard in boston during his sexie tour across the states. after waiting in the snow for half an hour after the show, derek and i got the chance to gawk and, well, it wasn't pretty on my end. derek politely got his ticket signed and said he enjoyed the show. i was in slack-jawed awe for the experience. normally not the type to get tongue tied around anyone, even the likes of people with celebrity, i suddenly stared at eddie like he was a fish on a rollercoaster. then that famous bit of babble came out.

"i don't need anything. i don't want a signature or a picture or anything like that from you," i say.
"oh really? why not then?" he replies. eddie's looking right at me. i have no idea what to do or if i'm going to throw up just to break the milliseconds of staredown deadlock happening.
"i just wanted to say... something stupid, apparently." that's it. i kid you not here, that is word for word the way i fell into a pit of holy mother did i really just do that on our fanrastical meeting. it comes out against my will, no better judgment giving me warning that i'm about to be, once again, a total fucking idiot. always one to go for the gusto on being stupid, i reach out and shake hands with him.
he looks pleasant and utterly confused while we shake and mutters, "oh, well, um, okay." handshake handshake handshake. silence. "uhhh, what does your badge say?" he smiles and reads the button on my jacket. it proclaims to the world "allow me to introduce my selves." he chuckles a bit, nods and thanks me as i stammer a garbled "ok, bye!" and wander off into my own mental hall of shame.

how i relive that with the shocked and squinchy look of a blackout drinker who's at last recalling last night's escapades. ah yes, we'll always have boston.

determined not to repeat the izzard incident (as i now label it in my memories from the many retelling demands made by friends each time they want to make fun of me) i am pulling myself together. i'm gaining self esteem from the fact that most of the audience at the store has yet to even know their alphabet. surely todd parr is used to dealing with droolers and dorks, right? i'm getting calmer now, thinking how cool i am to be an adult at a kids' book signing. it's hip and edgy. pop art is so avant-garde. then we get to the table and i whip out veronica's book with flair.

"this is for my sister. she's thirty!" i say brightly and stare. i push the book towards his side of the table and nod confidently.
silence. silence. stare. silence.
"and what's her name?" he finally asks with a grin.
score another one for george's idiot parade.

he signs a free poster for derek and we get through the polite exchanges without any more trauma when he offers to sign my new book. i told derek that i didn't want to be greedy or rude, but that if i were being greedy, i'd want him to call veronica and say hi. one hopeful look went his way from me. "oh sure," he says, "i'll talk to your sister on the phone. call her up." so we dial and i hand him the phone.

"veronica? hi this is todd parr. i was just signing your book for your sister. you should really come down to the store here." i tell him she's in texas. "oh you're in texas, huh? well, enjoy the book then. oh really? thanks a lot. derek says to tell you it's okay to be a republican. oh wait, your sister says not to tell you that. okay, so you have a good day - bye." he hands me the phone and i hear her squealing and screaming. i'm pretty sure the reason she said she had to get off the phone just then was because she peed her pants.

we strolled neatly out of storyopolis and a good three hundred feet down the sidewalk before i launched into a victory dance. it made someone else's day, and that was a good enough reason for me to be a dipshit in front of todd parr. one more flippy flaily jump/dance spurt with me humming the theme to spider man, and we were on our way home. i did relive a few choice seconds of our meeting with a touch of blushing, but it didn't so much bother me at all. it felt good to be an idiot with purpose, in the spirit of doing a cheery thing for someone else. perhaps i could even pretend i was an idiot on purpose this time.