exhausted. fucking exhausted. that's all i can tell you. my split personality jungle gym and roller coaster of moods is making me batty. judging by the way my head feels when i wake up each day there has been some literal teeth grinding going on during the sleep hours. my mind is like is making that flat tire along the side of the freeway whapping noise again and oh how sucky that is. someone take the exit ramp! take the exit ramp, for fuck's sake!
this is, of course, all to say that i'm actually enjoying being a complete peasant when i go to work. it's so rote and routine that i can just STOP THINKING for a while. there is something so very zen about what people call menial jobs.
that's what i was considering earlier when i told derek that i feel like i have a little bit of a routine going this week. not a routine in a bad way; it's more like a way of gaining some momentum. this could be part of the reason why derek's adapted to this hellhole way better than i have. my days are all like the bounce of a square-shaped rubber ball, and i'm bobbing wildly to try and keep up. mary has officially declared that i might need to lay off of the coffee a bit, and she's probably even right on this one. :::twitch:::
for the past few months it's been extremely difficult to feel much comfort in adjusting, and it could be due to complete lack of momentum. (changing jobs all the time, no real activities, lack of friends, etc.) as much as i can't stand the feeling of being in a rut, i also crave some structure to my life so that i can get "in my groove" to get things done, to be motivated. if i can pull my head out of my butthole for a designated time here and there, it feels as if i can conquer some of those bigger problems with ease. okay, so maybe not with ease, but maybe with great possibility.
i need possibilities. how about you?
3 comments:
See, my problem is completely different from yours. I've got a slew of possibilities. I've even got a bit of momentum. What I DON'T have is the opportunity. And thats pretty batty driving right there, I tell you.
i also have way too many possiblities...and that actually makes me crazy. if i could get it all scheduled, organized, prioritized, updated, filed, returned, etc...then i could get back to doing the things i love like reading and watching dorky movies. i stayed up late one night in vegas to watch legally blonde.
perhaps i misstated myself a bit. i didn't mean that i don't have any - oh trust me, i've got possibilities. lots and lots and lots of them. i'd die if i didn't have them. that's what i meant to say, or the way i meant to say it, or however that goes.
see? i NEED all those possibilities.
and coffee. plenty of coffe.
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