the sunday funnies

let's all toast the shitshack, shall we?

in a quest for junk food, derek decided that we should take a cruise by pink's to check out the line... that went around the corner and into the parking lot. it's possible that some of the people there are still in line waiting for food and might be there until september. no fucking way was i going to wait an hour to get a chili dog. after some more aimless driving and against our better judgment we settled on the scary scary oki dog.

"i'm afraid for my life," said derek as we strolled into the shittiest shitshack ever. "this place is going to scar me forever." the menu, if that's what one could call it, was the sort of thing that would make nick run away like a drag queen on fire heading for the last rousing game of patrick dempsey. (don't know what i'm talking about? just go with it and you'll get the picture.) there was a little patio type area enclosed by bars outside of the ugly orange building and an asian guy making this hot dog concoctions. a couple of whiskey faced men had control of the remote for the fuzzy tv. as a bonus, there were even video games to play on the patio thingy, including tekken! since i'm not one for posting a ton of links, i'll just let you google oki dog on fairfax to see the horror of it all for yourself. it's craptacular, as mary might say. but hey - at least there was parking. "yeah there was parking," derek went on, "and now you know why." fuck it. this place was the sanford and son of shitshack eateries. hours later and still digesting, i must say that i feel funky now.

speaking of mary, she called after we'd left the funhouse of hot dogs. once i'd finished describing the oki dog experience, she was also afraid for us. it was just hard to tell how shocking the whole thing was to her because she couldn't stop laughing at the story. derek was so traumatized by the event that he had to go through beverly hills on the way home just to balance out his life a bit. more cruising led us to melrose, where derek found the holy grail of hangout spots.

we stopped at an anti-starbucks coffeeshop. they didn't ask if i wanted whipped cream on my fucking cappucino. and get this one: they were smoking. INDOORS! need i say more? sally, our gps unit, threw a party in my honor and immediately put this joint in her faves list. oh yes, we will be going back. tankoo berry mucho, derek and sally!!!

turns out that derek was being that soooooo los angeles guy and had simply wanted to get out of the valley for a few hours. could it have been an attempt to escape the weather up here? DUH. it's like a hundred fucking degrees all the time. when i said i wouldn't miss oklahoma in august, i didn't know it was because i have it every day around here. why do i have to live like a rotisserie chicken?

we took the long way home with mary on the phone the whole way. we even spotted a billboard that read, "look! i'm wearing a meat beard." who the hell knows what that shit is all about, i don't even want to know. so if anyone wants to know what she did this weekend, she got out of the house driving around hollywood with us. isn't she fancy? i can't just go cruising without my peeps in tow, even if it is thanks to the miracles of technology.

brrrrinnng, brrrrinnnnng. be on the lookout for my number. i'll be calling next time we're out seeing the cheese. at last i can have some normal sundays while being stuck in suckifornia. you can even call me if you want. together we can make sundays the good ole fundays again. wheeee!