why i won't cast stephen brown in a show again

every day i tell someone how much i love my cast. seriously. well, the part i hadn't realized in this was that i meant the cast i was actually working with every rehearsal. there are eleven people in this show, and we were constantly working with ten of them. the last one had a lot of conflicts that we've been working around... until now. so what i must've meant to say was that i love my cast, minus one rude fuck shit motherfucker.

but he's gone now, so up his and the horse he rode in on, nanny nanny boo boo. but the so-called loss we suffered (momentarily) is quite entertaining, especially for other chronic swearers and avid fans of the word fuck, so here's the basic what-have-you on what happened last sunday night:

me: is there some reason you think you don't have to say the script as written?
him: i can say that in performance, but i didn't think i'd have to in rehearsal.
me: you need to say the lines. i've dealt with this problem before, and he understood the difference between being himself and playing a character. the sooner you do it, the easier it will be for you. fuck shit, motherfucker, bullshit. come on, you need the practice.
him: i said i would do it later on. i just don't see why it's necessary right now.
me: this is why i told everyone about it up front and said i would not be changing any of the script for anyone. remember that? it would change the character. you have to do it.
him: oh, i understand that, but i didn't think that applied to rehearsal.
me: have you met me? what about me says that you can get away with that?
him: i mean, i can do it on stage, but...
me: when you're in rehearsal, you are on stage.
him: oh, i see.
me: just get it over with. you're messing up the other actors.

for a moment he did acquiesce and do his shit correctly. but even after that whole scene, he waited until i had my head turned answering someone's questions and still tried to rewrite his character. luckily, missy is an astute stage manager who stayed on his ass and made him do it again until he read the script as written. then she continued to correct him on every last syllable that he tried to change to fit some moral standard that he had conveniently invented for himself on the spot. i heart missy, lemme tell ya.

so now, keep in mind that i cast this show about a month ago. he's had time to read the entire script and discuss any problems with us for a very long time. he could've at least just walked out of that rehearsal and quit. he could've pulled me aside privately at any time and said he changed his mind. oh, but no. he called me two days later and asked me to call him back. i tried to call him over the week, because i was pretty sure what the deal was, and i should have just kicked him out in the first place when he put up such a fuss, but i was trying to give someone the benefit of the doubt and "be nice" and work with someone. by friday, when i hadn't heard anything else, i had stopped even thinking about it went to my meeting talking about our wonderful show.

my ringer was off at the time and i didn't check my messages until saturday morning, at which time i discovered he'd called me friday evening, just at his call time for his other show so i couldn't have called him back, and dropped out of the part via voicemail. according to him, it was some kind of traumatic dilemma that he had to say those things. in making him do so for no good reason, because of course he'd already promised to do it for a performance, i had become a ruthless and relentless who crossed ethical lines. it was too much, boo hoo and blah blah poor me, hope this isn't a problem and i haven't inconvenienced anyone, and so forth.

sofia coppola! i. mean. really.

let's recap this - we audition and cast before labor day, rehearse without him except for weekends, explain to the woman playing his wife that it'll be okay, he throws a fit, i try to contact him, he waits and makes his replacement miss another entire week of rehearsals before he says anything, and i'm the bad person? what-the-fuck-ever, man. such unprofessional and inconsiderate actions get in gossip mill fast around here, and he should know that. if anyone asks, i'll just let them know that he can't say the lines of a script as written, he's unreliable, and he doesn't consider the other cast and crew working on a project before being a whiny baby who wastes everyone's time. in short, totally not worth the risk or effort. oh, and it gets even better and more hilarious than that. he can't say "motherfucker" out loud, but he was in oedipus last week! OEDIPUS! and antigone! that's some disgusting shit, in case you didn't know. but it's better to be it than to say it, right?

when you're done laughing and shooting milk out of your nose (did i finally get you with that one, mary?) you can see how dumb this really is. but don't forget that i dodged a real bullet here. he could've totally jacked this up for all of us. with my trusty cell made of gold, i made a few calls and had someone in to read for the part a few hours later. now we have a new robert in our cast, and the person doing it was my dream choice for it anyway! so it turns out i was lucky in this whole thing! what could have been a horrible day worked into an even better cast than i got in the first place.

when life gives you lemons, put on some lipstick. that's what i say. must have picked out the right shade that day, because now i can truly say that i love my crew and my cast... every last one of them. what's more, i have a really fucking funny story to tell. because oedipus is a classic, you know.


the other thing from last weekend:
derek and i took a screen printing class from carla, and it was a blast! jenny and ryan went too, and we had so much fun. derek made some cool prints and t-shirts, one of which he's wearing right now. i made two awesome tote bags. i MADE stuff all by myself! it was just the artistic inspiration we've been missing around the house.