tuesday's morning of hilarity

6.28 am: wake up and think "wasn't i supposed to be at work at 6 today?" while wondering if the clock is lying to me. shoot out of bed, sit back down again, get up again and walk to other room... only to be tripped by cats on the way to coffeemaker.

6.31 am: call work and ask if it's really 6.30 in the morning. inform katie that i'll be there when i get there. drink coffee and feed cats at the same time as i do the pee pee dance. proceed to pee in the dark because i'm too confused to find the light switch and then go to get dressed.

6.36 am: put on underpants backwards and yank on them until front is up to my neck before realizing what the problem is. finish getting dressed and look for shoes for next five minutes, only to find that they are in my hand.

7.12 am: arrive at work taking last swig of coffee and am informed that i sound very cute when i'm still half-asleep. yay for me. i'm cute. pill begins to kick in and i need food.

8.37 am: take out trash and recycling. use pen as a knife to stab tape along bottom of box of recycling.

8.43 am: answer phone. more lines ring. answer phone. eat protein bar. answer phone. more lines ring. answer phone. lose mind. eat dried cherries. answer phone.

9.11 am: reach for pen in back pocket. discover pen has exploded in pants. pull out hand to reveal black splotches up and down hand. spend next ten minutes in the bathroom alternately washing hands and trying to get splotch off pants while getting more ink on hands. finish up by stuffing back pocket with paper towels to soak up water and ink all over my butt. leave bathroom with ink on sleeves and lopsided booty.

11.14 am: leave for lunch late and promptly run into office door while on the way to get my keys. decide to take myself out for a sandwich. get in car, turn out of parking lot and watch purse entirely dump over out of passenger's seat. drive down road hearing more little clinks as every single item, including the receipt graveyard and things previously thought to be stuck to bottom of lining, proceed to eject themselves from purse.

11.22 am: text derek "i surrender!"

11.27 am: derek calls to make fun of me.

11.34 am: choke on horseradish from sandwich. try to discreetly make loogey noise to dislodge food chunks from brain. horseradish comes flying down throat to choke me for a second time while three tables full of construction workers around me turn to stare in amazement at my impending death from sandwich.

11.53 am: chain smoke on the way back to work. get out of car at work and check seat for black ink. whew. vow to get home safely and pull covers over head as soon as possible. hear phones ringing in the distance.



why today was even crazier:
stepped up to full strength on my new pill. yeesh! it's times like these that i'm thankful for some of the other crazy people at work who are entertained by my fidgeting. at least i got home without choking or making a mess of my pants and having people asked what happened.