this is my boyfriend-type-thingy

while i was chatting with rhiannon this weekend, we were discussing some of the more interesting crime statistics and happenings from each of our areas. the fact that there were so many things that have "slipped my mind" to tell about led her to informing me that i am officially desensitized to big city crime. you know what the worst part of that is? she could actually be right. not that she spends all of her time being wrong, but the point made here was startling enough to worry me.

does it seem normal to have shootings just outside the doors of your building at work, or for the swat team to be down the block and you strangely forget to wonder what it's about? do you automatically assume that "oh, for pete's sake, it's just some fucking junkie" whenever someone is trying to get your attention on the street? are there people setting up residence in your yard while police shootouts are occurring along the next block right by the private university? does it bother you so little that all of this is going on around you that you just deal with it and still get out there with the ability to put your blinders on and ignore it all? above all... are these considered the good and fashionable neighborhoods for yuppies in your city?

yes, she might be right on this one. but i do hate to focus on the negative all the time. yes, it's true that i'm a hardcore complainer, that bitching is my cardio, but that's something completely different. on the whole i do try to maintain some stumbling sense of gracious forward momentum in my psyche.

living here is beginning to seem like a fling. there were things i loved about more than one of my old boyfriend-types. the thing is, i didn't really love them in the whole. even if they did, i knew they would never love me back. which is a fine and good thing, because it let us both go on to something else. yeah, come to think of it, i even had plenty of old boyfriend-types that didn't even end badly AT ALL. we both knew what was going on - or rather, what wasn't going on for either of us. we just let it fizzle out so we could awkwardly exit the relationship at the end without bad feelings or confrontation. and there really are other fish in the sea.

on occasions when we've run into one another afterwards, it's almost always good to see them again. i am happy if things are going well for them, and glad that we each moved on with our lives instead of trying to make a future where there wasn't one.

this is also sort of how i feel about my current residence. it's not a bad person, really, but we're not right for each other and i don't see a future together. why drag it out, right? i should just let it go on its way and find someone who loves it just the way it is. we'll see each other again, when i can smile and nod, being happy that it's gone on successfully without me. my ego can withstand the thought that i am definitely not "the one that got away" here. oh, i might have a pensive moment where i wonder how it's doing. maybe i'll sigh and laugh a little thinking of the great times we had together until it became apparent that things weren't working out the way we had planned. i'll remember why we broke up, but strive to not speak with any malice when reminiscing about our time together.

the real love of my life is derek anyway. where he goes, i will follow. am i a bad feminist for this? nahhh. fuck that noise. i'm kind of enjoying making him be the manly man in this. let him spend some time bringing home the bacon. i'll bring home the bacon bits. and goodness knows i've dragged his ass all over the country on a whim before. more than once.

mmmmmmm, bacon.


the goofiest site i visited this weekend:
namethatdriver.com