stock pieces of advice

this is my version of a public service announcement. since everyone needs a little help in life, allow me to nag you here. and so i present a few tidbits that we all know, but you might need a reminder about in your daily life.

1. don't shop for groceries when you're hungry. you should especially avoid the aisle that has all the cream puffs and gelato... or the cheese case... or the avocados that are on sale and you don't even know how to make guacamole but you really like avocados and cream puffs. but not in the same bowl or anything. oh, you get the point, right?
2. LOOK UP once in a while. that sign you missed when you were staring in the floor just might be the one that tells you where to go. like whether or not it's okay to cross the street, or where you can pay for your stuff. if not, there will surely be an irritated person close by who is more than willing to tell you where you can go.
3. for fuck's sake, it's okay to be gassy sometimes even if you're a petite flower. dizzy proved that to us just a few days ago. if you don't let it go, you will eventually be reduced to a giant balloon. then we'll chase you around the room with a pin and try to pop you. you'd feel pretty silly whapping around the room as a big balloony gas bubble, i bet. just don't aim it at defenseless victims, please. and flames are definitely NOT required.
4. open then closet doors once in a while, or else you'll have no idea what's in there. get rid of a few things along the way so that when you move you can feel reasonably confident that you actually want some of that stuff, that you're not moving empty boxes cross country from nashville. or something like that. you have NO IDEA what's in there, do you?
5. tell your friends that you like them and why. i have personally cried twice in the past week from stunning compliments being given to me when i least expected them but most needed them. even if you're busy being a bummer - and perhaps even more so at those times - it's easy to tell someone they smell nice.
6. sleep, shit, shower, shave. if shaving is your thing. oh, and drink a glass of water every now and then, just to shut people up about how much water you don't drink but should.
7. do something really dorky. if people make fun of you for it, tell them to fuck off and flip your hair (whatever length it may be) at them in a pseudo-huff. if they can't laugh with you, they might as well laugh as far away from you as possible, or at least have the good sense to go ahead and fuck off. then laugh at them instead because they don't know what they're missing by not dorking out.
8. get yourself some really comfy pajama pants. the softer the better in this case. they're good for when you're sick. they're good for when you're sleepy. they're extra good for when you don't want to get dressed or leave the house for an entire day, but you'd rather not porky pig it around the living room because you never know who's going to peek in your windows.
9. indulge in some crappy pop culture here and there when you need to turn off your oeverworked brain. there is no shame in it. i have been told in my life that there is no such thing as a guilty pleasure. if you like something dumb, then go ahead and like it anyway. guilt is too large of a price to pay for listening to an old spice girls album. but it should only be one where they still had ginger. they really sucked after she left, you know.
10. stand up straight. all the cool kids do it.
11. (this one goes to eleven.) take care of your feet. this is more important than the thing about clean underwear. if you get in a wreck, it's totally okay to shit your pants, but you'll have no excuse for that nasty fungus. it's gross. sincerely. ask your massage therapist about nasty feet and see the reaction they give. they don't have to be the most beautiful feet in the world, but let's have a bit of pride in the hooves, shall we? the clean underwear thing is also a terrific idea, though. just in case.


the oddest thing i did today:
got a twitchy feeling at work and accidentally ended up spotting a chronic shoplifter before he could strike again. he even got thrown out of the store and made a ruckus. yay for me.