sticky lips mcgluey

today is a weird day. it might be more like a weird week.

i did get out my faboo reels of gooey tape and wrap packages. sure it was only things i had sold online, but i heart tape. adhesive in general totally rules. as i get more into the habit of sticking things to other things, i'll have to fire up he hot glue gun and undoubtedly injure myself. truth be told, a good old glue stick is my true fave. glue sticks are non-toxic, see? safety is important in my house. i'm a train wreck who has been known to get her lip stuck to the crazy glue tube. it was a really long time ago and i've learned my lesson since then. okay, so it was within the past couple months. like maybe last month. and i haven't used any crazy glue since then for fear of something worse happening. my only defense? the way it snuck up on me made sense at the time, and once i explain it to you, it'll all seem logical and you'll stop making fun of me.

my shower curtain did not have magnets built into the liner. it's more like just a giant plastic sheet (courtesy of those thrifty folks at ikea) with little animals and chicken monster thingies all over it. we've embellished the shower curtain with some sharpie work to add more color so it looks pretty cool. the only problem is that there seems to be some sort of backdraft wind gust going on in my bathroom. the chicken monsters would go on full attack when the water is turned on, so if you wanted to rinse off without having the curtain going all boa constrictor, you would have to hold an arm all the way out and shield yourself while batting repeatedly like a kitten with a ball of yarn in order to protect yourself from the onslaught de plastique. i'm not the type to throw out a perfectly good shower curtain just because it thought it was a body bag in motion. however, showering was becoming a chore and i didn't want to stink.

we made a trip to the craft store and got a fat roll of self-sticking magnetic strip. what a seemingly perfect solution... that was ultimately no match at all for the hurricane that whipped up the next time i went to take a shower. not only did the magnetic strip not hold to the side of the tub, it fell off entirely, causing soapy me to just about bite the dust and have one of those embarrassing "here's how she died in a stooopid home accident" stories be told about me after death. not wanting to end up as a tee-hee-hee sort of news footnote, further measures were required. however, i was going through an unmotivated period in my life.

i tried to reason with my bathroom. i turned the fan off and on. i left the door open at varying amounts. i even took a shower in the dark, just in case that would scare the breeze away. after a few months of being annoyed by this - i was going through an unmotivated period - it was finally time to make a trip to the craft store for some extra strong button magnets to fix the situation.

here's a warning for you: they can make magnets that really are extra strong. handle these magnets with some care if you're prone to accidents. don't tear into them with a sharp knife that'll get stuck to them. that plastic is thin. once you realize that you're about to slice off your elbow and let go of the whole package, they'll fly willy nilly all over the tub. don't yank them off the tub just because you lost your grip on them. you'll only succeed in flying backwards with a handful of magnets and bonking your head on the tile behind you while getting pelted in the eyeball with a magnet or two before they all get stuck to the bottom of the tub when you really wanted them on the shower curtain anyway. and just to let you know something else, you should plot out where you're going to put the magnets along the bottom of the curtain without having the cats help you. they are not there to help. they only want attention. lastly, once you put the glue on the magnet, make sure you have the glue side pointed towards the curtain. if you don't, you will have successfully just let glue dry for no reason on the wrong side and have to repeat the process again. on several magnets. after you thought you were done and flung the curtain aside to get out of an invisible puddle that was in the tub making your butt wet.

in all of this "hypothetical" magnet chaos, i DID manage to get the glue onto the right spots and finish the job. i even avoided a tragedy by pulling the tube out of my hair in a microsecond after dropping the lid and lurching sideways to get it before the drain could have a snack. it bobbed left, i weaved right, the tube of glue went up as my head went down. my catlike reflexes saved the day, as well as my hair, and i waited the appropriate however many felt right and like ti should probably be dry by now seconds before emerging triumphant.

i was trying to blow the glue back down the end of the tube so it wouldn't get clogged. it just irks me to waste money on a gobbedy tube of glue. i had already cut the tip a few times beforehand to solve the previous clogging issues. and those "single use" packs? there's always too much or not enough for whatever thing i'm working on at the moment. so of course if you just give a half squeeze to the glue tube to create some suction, it should all go right back in when you release the tube. just to be certain, you could help it along with a puff of air to get things rolling and all should be righted - voila! put the cap back on and you've got a fully useable leftover squeeze for when you really need some stick. voila, right? voila until the tube is hanging off your face like a truck stop dishwasher's cigarette.

if you have said unfortunate facial situation, do not scream. it will only induce humiliation when whomever is in the house comes to see what is wrong with you. even the cats will judge you for such folly. do not rip the tube off of your face while you're getting the bright idea to go and hunt down the nail polish remover that doesn't even have any acetone in it and wouldn't help anyway. just remain calm and think about which scarf goes best with the colors on the tube. you'll be wearing that scarf every day from now on.

okay, so maybe go ahead and rip it off. you might get lucky. you might be creatively inspired in that second of sheer pain to come up with an awesome story about your latest gnarly pimple and people will pretend they don't even notice it because they're trying to be polite. they're really too worried about their own pimples anyway. you might get away with no commentary at all. you might just live in secret shame and prolonged fear of crazy glue. NOW you can scream. again.

it'll all be worth it in the end, though. your shower curtain will be fixed and you still won't need to spend any extra money on a new tube of glue. aren't you glad you know how to budget?


my latest musical buys:
china forbes - '78
golfrapp - seventh tree
(p.s. has anyone heard much of juliette and the licks yet?)