self-imposed exile

nearly every day at one point or another, i write a little blog entry in my head. it's usually when i'm at work and ignoring people. or maybe when i'm driving home and talking to myself about the stories on npr. regardless, each time i tell myself that "i'm going to get back on that horse" once i get home. after several failures to follow through (and don't think i'm under the impression that anyone is angry with me here. i'm just musing upon my own falterings) i began to wonder what the hell is going on with me.

over these past months i've felt really isolated. it has been extremely difficult for me to connect to people. even in person, i'm somewhat detached and aloof. the simple question of "how are you today?" has been met with a long blank stare from me. "i don't know, how am i supposed to know?" i say to people. am i depressed? i don't think so. anxious? maybe a bit. for the most part i am just an observer of my everyday life, unlikely and unwilling to get excited about participation.

it would seem to me that i've hit a phase of autopilot. i buy art supplies with no intention of using them. when i go to the grocery store alone, i just roll past most of the food without putting anything in the cart except creamer for my coffee. music comes home with me and i never listen to it. i eschew the theatre and any other live performances. i feel less than sincere in dealing with people in general. not insincere, mind you. just vapid. if an overcast day were to take human form, it would be me.

on the up side of things, this also makes me a blank slate. what do you do with a blank slate when it's only been giving you writers' block up until now? wiped clean of any ambition or planning, i stagnated in place. i waited. i stared. i waited and drank coffee. and then...

i got sick of it. i laughed, i cried, i screamed. literally. mary said it best: "if this were your boyfriend, we'd have all told you to break up with him by now." though the statement was only in reference to one facet of things, it hit me like a brick. she was so right! my isolation is a bizarre side effect of an abusive relationship with my own life.

we're breaking up. thank you mary.

my next projects:
getting demoted at work, by my own choosing
directing teenagers
playing with my glue collection
connecting