when i said brake, i didn't mean all the time

so yes, it did snow here on thursday. by the time i was on the way home from morning coffee with friends, it went from just cold and raining to windy and sleet with itty bitty hail pellets. sometime shortly after that it started snowing and didn't stop until the next morning. in the great tradition of silver linings, i am a bit thankful. at last! i have a reason that we didn't do anything for the holiday!

after poking around the house for a long time in pajamas yesterday, i took a shower and got ready to go out in search of a burrito. if nothing else, quiktrip would have something to satisfy me in the form of a cheese taquito. i got all bundled up and went downstairs. i started the car and let it get warm. i tried to leave my parking space and heard a big creak. so it turns out that my handbrake was frozen in place just enough where i could back up with a loud noise and then put the car right back into its space. i checked all the tires and underneath to make sure there was nothing else wrong, so i'm figuring that i just need to wait it out.

i'll try again today. maybe if i let the car run for a while longer, the cable to the brake will release me from my parking space. unfortunately, my 'hood is one of the last places in town they'll even touch this weekend. since no one has to go into the office right now, there's no point to salting the streets around here. and since mary's parents live right past the county line, it's unlikely they'll get much done out there, either. lucky me - mary and i are in the two least likely places to get any help in having the roads cleared. fuck it, we're tough. i can get anywhere in my little car provided that i'm willing to go about ten miles an hour. i'm sure it'll be fine once i emerge onto the regular arterial streets; might even make it up to twenty. i'm a total old lady on the ice and don't understand why the hell everyone else is in such a hurry. if my car is light enough to slide, it's light enough to stop. the same can't be said for those fuckers in their big trucks who haven't bothered to weigh down the truck beds. don't they know there's still ice under that snow?!? let's just hope everyone else takes it easy. i've heard a billion sirens going to the hospital down the street in the past few days, and i don't think they were using them to celebrate holiday glee.

cross your fingers that my handbrake will unfreeze. i need a burrito, or at least something else with an -ito ending. they're calling to me! it has the "eat" sound right in the name! i must eat-o it! uhhh, wow. maybe i've been in my pajamas too long now.


fat girl party update:
the party was a bust, for now. we have to reschedule it for january. me, derek, and ryan ate chili and watched multiple episodes of the boondocks instead. still a good time. at least i got all my clothes folded again.

fat- uhhhh, i mean squeezy girls rock

yes, i know i'm not fat. in fact, one could look at the statistics and look at me and say "voila! at last we've found her! that's the average american woman!" it just so happens that my dimensions are pretty much the ones they always print in those articles trying to bash the skinny people. leave the skinny people alone, i say. if they're twigs, they either can't help it or they wanna give up the joys of key lime pie and just go jogging all damn day. stop fucking with them. they're little people (not THAT kind, liz) and that's the way it is. i've seen megan's immediate family and no matter how much food they inhale it's just not gonna have the fat chicks in it. so what? without her, i wouldn't be able to go into those stores with all the teeny tiny clothes and play dress-up with my own personal mannequin. take that, betsey johnson... oh, and take a look in the mirror while you're at it.

on the other hand, my kind is the squeezy type. we get called voluptuous or rubenesque. the word flashy is actually kinda sexy to me, perhaps because it alludes to being nekkid and prancing around while the wobbly bits shimmy. please don't call me queen-sized. it makes me feel like a pair of pantyhose. oh, and barrel-chested isn't so good either, due to the polka reference. (is there an anti-hyphenated theme going here?) personally, i think referring to myself as a fat girl is hilarious. it's a role i've embraced as preposterous and amiable. to think that someone who has, let's say, an extra cheese reserve in the belly is in the same category as a medical mystery makes me laugh. my blegs are leaking down towards the back of my knees, but i don't care anymore, and just because my frutt (or my sassy frass, if you will) and my butt are the same size doesn't make me a freak.

of course there is a dark side to being heavy and it does carry health risks. of course there is a dark side to driving a car and it does carry health risks. of course there is a dark side to eating sushi and it does carry health risks. of course there is a dark side to having having a life and it does carry health risks. let's talk about the funny part again, shall we?

in the grand tradition of being a teenager, i hated the way i looked back then. my fashion sense was totally fabulous - for the eighties, mind you - but everything else was wrong wrong wrong! a logical person might blame this on the media and all those trashy celebutard-filled magazines. (once again, that's hypenated. see?!?) any rational teenager would blame it on... well, whatever they could find that was handy. what's the catch? for quite a while, due to extreme measures of intervention on my part, i was a skinny girl! if only i had foamy the squirrel with me back then to tell me to just fucking get over it, i would've enjoyed life a lot more.

one day along the path to my "fat girls are awesome too" enlightenment, i decided to try on clothes that fit me. what? that's crazy! who would do that? i mean, after years of being told that i am the average for a woman, and yet i'm somehow not a medium size but more like an XXL in the boobs, it was an amazing difference. clothes that fit don't make you feel like a sausage; they look good on you. and let's face it, jeans don't lie. your wardrobe will be honest with you and tell you it's time to hit the store for an up or down size.

except for those damn cosby sweaters. they're going to lie to you no matter what just to save themselves. sweaters are difficult to trust on any given day.

if you have real friends who aren't afraid to make you mad, and they're willing to put up with your whining when you go shopping together, they'll express in words or gestures what the clothing can't. it might just be with an upturned nose or a sideways glance with a snort. you have to watch them closely to get their initial reaction when you walk out in new duds. just because you think it's comfortable doesn't mean you don't look like a watermelon in it. (thank you holly for saving me from that mistake.) or else ask a total stranger and remind them that they have nothing to lose by vocalizing their disdain for that dress. you'd be surprised how much detail you can get when you don't even know the person.

and don't be shy about demanding "hey, let's go to the fat girl's store!" they put it there for a reason, you know. which is to say, you can find clothes that fit you. or so what if you have to go to gap kids to get your jeans? they're cheaper there anyway. i'm not going to blame the media monster for being a fat girl. maybe i should blame the people who make clothes, but i don't really have time for any of that. i'm going to get myself a damn shirt. one that doesn't require duct tape to hold it shut in the front just because it's supposedly the correct size. as mary always says, no sees the tags but me.

all this is to say that someone will see the tags besides me. in celebration of my fat girl glee, i'm having some chickadees over to swap clothes. fat girl's wardrobe party! EEE! (maybe i should have invited drag queens, a ala king of the hill, so i could get some sequins in the mix.) although susan likes the term squeezy better, and i can totally hang with that one. squeezy is cuuuute. so anyway, in order to save some money and spruce up the old closet, i'm extending my nuwsed item policy to people i know and hoping i'll have something they can use. any reason to have people over and nosh on a snack while gossiping is good enough for me. in exchange i'll be looking for some nuwsed things to keep me out of the thrift stores for a few days. sheesh, i've gotten rid of so much over the past year that i just have to look and see what i've still got. tank tops, anyone?


random facts about me:
i like bottle caps.
grey is my favorite color.
my eyes are darker than anyone else i know.

last train to clarkies-ville

off to the post office, off to the library, off to the market. the week has become a carousel of things that i should be ashamed to find entertaining. being a middle-aged curmudgeon is truly more fun than i ever expected it to be. (let's not start that middle-aged argument again, eh? i'm not at the beginning and not at the end - therefore, technically it is the middle. so there!) my cards should come in this week about the time that tim and mary arrive in town, so i can be the lame dufus that oohs and ahhhs over business propaganda with my friends.

i also got the pleasure of attending the very last show at clark theatre over the weekend. the teens and little kids put on a great improv show, and i felt super cool that they were excited to see me there. on sunday they had a going away party for the building. there weren't as many tears as you would think; just some high-gravity hugging (slumped shoulders and sniffles) and reddish eyes at times. the building is terrific, but since the program is just being moved and not killed, they're taking it on the chin quite well.

besides, if we have to have a roommate at "the palace" due to budget cutbacks, i couldn't think of a better arrangement. no more driving between theatres for the staff, a more active building overall, and a united front for the kids and the adults. we're hoping to even integrate more types of arts into the program. and hey, they didn't even have to take a season off to get ready like we did, so the momentum and revenue will still keep going. my hugs go out to them for losing their own dedicated space, but i'm anticipating good things for all of us in the future. with any luck, the new stupid mayor can't fuck with us!

now comes the task of sorting all the incoming stuff from clark and getting the new space organized. i'm only thankful that we weren't allowed to squat in there for another season and make a big mess before they moved. (oh, and finally getting all that space in the gym doesn't hurt.) truth be told, adults can be just as messy as teens, and i am personally quite lazy. getting a fresh start all at once is a blessing. this is a project where i can put some of my new skills to use! i suppose i see it as less of a shutting down, and more of a coming together... with extra bathrooms, of course. no matter what else happens, you gotta go to the bathroom sooner or later. see? this is how we focus on the exciting part of the changes . i can't wait to see how the place evolves.

in other theatre news, i'm having a blast directing the ayn rand peeps. that crazy bitch is so damn serious that it's funny. in fact, we've made it really funny. by stylizing the characters, the show is turning out to be something more than just a super dry courtroom drama. think radio play and you'll get where we're going with it. what could have been such a downer by a depressing, self-proclaimed logical genius is morphing into a film noir soap opera that's much more interesting and entertaining than ayn rand was. we're cool like that.


what i'm pondering this week:
getting a haircut
new year's resolutions
digital archiving

words i like today - chapter two

this month's installment is brought to you by the folks i know who like to make up words because we get excited or agitated about random things:

• squee! - it's a happy mary word... and makes a great noise!
• monumentous - the mixing of monumental and momentous. from hoarders, because i love that show. did i already say that one?
  
• vengeant - one can be vengeful, or have vengeance. i had no idea this wasn't actually a word! it is now, damnit.
• gruntled - derek and i use this when neither satisfied nor dissatisfied, yet feeling more than a ho-hum status.
• disgustation - a state of being to describe when you've totally fucking had it. disdain and frustration and anger combine to reach disgustation.
• blah-bitty-blah - my general fill in word for stuff. it comes in really handy when i have absolutely no idea what i'm talking about or lose track of my own sentences.
• domexcavate - the purging of shit in your house that you probably didn't even know was there. this could also be called domestivation.
• frizzie - a juice and fizzy water drink, in honor of my new-fangled gadget that i bought for the house.
• craptastic - thank you once more, mary. this word could be bad in an extreme case, but almost always alludes to something that is so bad, awful, or tacky that it's good. in fact, it's terrific! no, it cannot be used to describe a cosby sweater. yes, it can be used to describe your hideous sheets.
• fercockety - again, i thought this was an actual word. again, i may have already listed this one. it's like being all kerfuffled and wonky.
• quoi - another state of being. it's a real word, but in this instance used to tell someone that you're completely taken aback and befuddled. you can also use it as a veto measure on someone's fashion sense or cooking skills... i say it to myself in this way sometimes.
• epiphanetic - i say this when i'm feeling inspired, usually right after i leave the bathroom. too much info for ya?

i doubt i've made up any new curse words (unless you count sofia coppola) that i can remember off the top of my head. that's more of a spontaneous thing that happens when i'm in pain from stubbing my toe or getting a paper cut. if anything cool comes out during the next impromptu "fuck!" variation, i'll let you know. i'm all about the slanguage.

you should totally tell me all about your favorite made up words and phrases. it's just the kind of thing we could collect into an informative pamphlet for megan's birthday. and yes, i know about urban dictionary and other sites like that. and yes, i do read nerdy wordy books and giggle out loud. so does megan. she's my linguist role model. i just hope she writes a book with lots of semicolons in it someday, just for me.


it might be risky:
should ayn rand be film noir radio play comedy?