21 March 2017

barfing out consciousness

when the computer screen is very dirty and i have to blow cat hair out of the keyboard, i know i've been neglecting things.  not just things like keeping a random journal or whatever, but like, all the verbal diarrhea in my head.

the fact is, i get older and wonder sometimes what it is i have to say... to anyone at all.  i've gotten so much quieter over the years.  this has come as a complete shock to me, as i've always considered myself just intelligent enough on just enough subjects to qualify as a complete asshole.  i'm direct, i'm opinionated, and i sound angry a lot of the time.  it's no surprise to me when a friend tells me how intimidating i used to be to them, or when they relay some variation on how mean/bitchy/scary i appeared to be when we first met.  it's just my way.  that's not an apology for it, but rather, a recognition that my personality tends to have some sharp edges.  once you get past that, you figure out that i'm nothing but a hard candy shell with a squishy inside.  like a burnt marshmallow.

damn.  what exactly is the funk on this screen?  if you're thinking the same thing right now, we should both go find something to wipe off the whatnot.

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...and the keyboard.  that was at least one layer gone, whatever it is.  i mean, i don't actually recall taking a bunch of weird dusty shit and throwing it at the screen, but one never knows.  do they?  do you know what torture you've put your machines through over the years?  me neither.  that is to say, the torture i'm aware of is probably not as bad as the actual crap i've done to them, coffee included.

burnt marshmallow, right?  that's where i was.  i'll have to come back to that another time.  my burnt layer has a tendency to fall off and leave all the squish exposed when i'm least expecting it, and once the squish starts to drip, well... that's a whole other horror movie.

besides, i keep a little for myself so that i'll keep the motivation to get it out of my head.  i've heard it said that you shouldn't describe your plans for things - a story you're writing, a business you're planning, a thing you wanna get done - in too much detail.  the idea behind this is that if you spend all your time talking about a thing, you never actually get the thing to happen.  on the other hand, if you declare the thing should happen, that you really want it, but keep some things about it to yourself, you've committed to it publicly and have to hold yourself responsible, but you still have the details inside just bursting to get out and make some noise.  speaking from experience, this seems rather plausible to me.  the more "plans" i make aloud, the less i actually get done.  by saying "i'm gonna do such and such maybe sometime, and here's what should happen with it," i tend to negate my need to take action on the matter.  in my head, it's already been worked out and sorted, so my brain makes ever-increasingly dumb excuses as to why i can lay about and be lazy.  i'm already naturally lazy.  i don't need any help with that trait.

so what's the next thing i have planned?  according to my own advice, i should say something very general, but then leave the rest as a mystery.  so here it is...

next project:
new to-do list with big, long goals - HA!

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